Misery
So something happened that I didnt anticipate, and now I'm depressed and sobbing on and off like, 24-7 lately.
So, last Thursday I decided to text Rob. Because a couple days prior an ex of his decided to start emailing me on myspace, like, begging me t friend her cuz, "I'm see really nice" lol...and asked me if the day care I work for is the one by the Community Health Center, and that she dated someone that worked at the CHC, a maintance guy. So, I email her back and ask if it was Rob...sure enough lol Plus, I knew she looked familiar, and that was because she's on Rob's Myspace friends list lol So, I decided on Thursday night to text Rob to tell him.
Alright.
The last time I talked to Rob was early in Dec, over text of course. So this was just a couple weeks later. I text him, "So your ex girlfriend emailed me on Myspace the other day." his reply? "Who is this?" Wow. lol I almost didn't reply...lol But I did..."Um, Samantha" lol He says, "Oh shit my bad, which ex?" lol I told him. He asks how I am. Then asks "So do you have a boyfriend yet?" My reply..."Ew...who said I wanted one!" lol He's like, "No one, just wondering. Wanna see a pic of my girlfriend?" I didn't reply. I was gonna leave that conversation at that. Plus I was also in the process of walking up to Family Dollar to add something to my final week's end secret santa gift for Deanna at work...picture frames and candles lol I wanted to go to the mall to get something...better lol...but I couldn't get there and didnt' wanna attempt to figure out the bus schedule. Also part why I texted Rob...get to chatting, "I need to go to the mall..." anmd hope for a ride lmao...I dunno why but I felt like seeing him or at least talking to him....I blame LIndsey...the ex...cuz up until that I hadn't thought too much about him...a little just cuz of work, but nothing major until LIndsey emailed me...lol But then he asked if I wanted to see a pic of his ex...and I about lost it. I dind't anticipate that. I ignored him.
He text me back a couple minutes later and asked "Where'd you go?" I was a smart ass and said Family Dollar lol He asked why I'd been so antisocial lately...cuz I tod him I was earlier when he asked how I was doing. I dind't answer that question...I didn't wanna get into it with him anymore. The conversation eventually hit a hault and I just threw myself into the shopping, and on the way home I about lost it. WTF!!
And I've been on and off losing it ever since. I was bitching to Colt & Tony about it (but not much cuz they have their own issues...more to Tony than Colt...on Friday night) and then yesterday Dave called me, and I was on the phone with him for like 4hrs, no joke lol...and I kept coming back to this Rob shit. I can't stopping thinking about him! Seriously! I go to bed thinking about him, and wake up thinking about him! WTF! I needed some kind of closure, or Something...and I emailed him like, a novel lol, on myspace. WHen I was tlaking to him on text that night, telling him I was Christmas shopping, he asked what I got him for Christmas. WHen I emailed him onm Froday I was like, "You asked last night what I got you fir Christmas...here ya it is...I'm Sorry." ANd from there I just went on and on and on. I listen to music that we bonded over and I bawled...think about a movie we watched together...I bawled...at work on Friday, the Strawberry Shortcake book he bought me on Sweetest Day...I looked at it...I bawled. W-T-F!?!?!?!
WHY! I NEVER anticipated ANY of this...I pushed his ass away, I didn't want any part of it, mostly...and then I talk to him after not having really talked to him in a few weeks, and he doesn't have my number anymore cuz he dind't know who i was, and then he asks if I wanna see a pic of his girlfriend. I lost it. Am I jealous? I don't even know. I don't get it. And I don't know what I want to accomplish by sending him that email. Do I expect his to ditch his new girlfriend and come running to me...or just some simple closure that would hopefully make me not want to sob every 5min. This is INSANE!! This is NOT me! I PISSED at myself for being like this. I don't do this. I don't get like this. I'm not supposed to care about this shit...I've PRIDED myself on not caring about this shit for as long as I can remember! And then I let my guard down a little bit with a guy...who I'm not even physicall attracted to...and then freak out when I feel like he's getting too serious or we're getting too close for my liking and comfort(cuz I'm commitment phobic and shit)...and then am pissed when he has a girlfriend like a month later. I wonder if he'd had this new gf if he ahdn't been canned from the CHC...although it's probably good he's not there anymore...I'd just be stringing him along again. I obviously took him for granted. That goes without saying. So, with that, because I took him for granted, and now he's not here and available for my times of needing affection and whatnot...I'm pissed and depressed...and realize I probably threw away something that had potential to be good. Everytime though, that I thought I'd be able to get over my lack of physical attraction, I just wasn't able to. And now I'm on that again, and just realizing that the other attraction was enough. I miss him. This whole thing is pissing me off, and scaring me, but I suppose it had to happen sometime...no matter how much kept myself away from it cuz I didn't wanna deal with any of that shit...then I met Rob...and I gave in to his persuing.
He has yet to read that email. I knwo he doesn't get online a lot, but I think he usually manages once or twice a week. Gotta love Mysapce for telling you whether or not an email has been read yet or not lol I'm almost afraid for him to though...lol But oh well...he needs to read it soon...this is making me Nuts! Seriously, I wake up crying. My eyes open, then I start to sob...I dunno if I wish he was beside me or what, but I pretty much think about the night he spent the night at my place, then I start sobbing for like 5min before I calm down. It rediculous! I also mentioned a song cuz I was listening to it in the middle of typing the email..."Listen To Your Heart" by Roxette...gotta love the 80s lol It was a song we talked about a few times. I was in the car with him one night and it came on the radio...I lsitened to the lyrics "Listen to your heart when he's calling to you, listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do I don't know where you're going and I dont' know why but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye"...and I laughed under my breath a little. He was like, "Waht are you chucking about?" I just said, "nothing" he's like, "What?!" I was like, "Nothing, just the song" and he had some semblence of a chuckle as well...I think he got it. And then Madonna's "Open Your Heart" came on..Jesus Christ! Is fate trying to force me to commit to this fucker or wtf! lol But I referenced Listen to Your HEart in the email...basically saying I shoulda listened, but I honestly also didn't know what exactly it was telling me either...but for the most part...I shoulda listened before saying goodbye.
ANyway...on the upside...at least I have people to distract me. Me & Colt are Fab. And fuckign DAVE called me yesterday (cuz I sent him a Christmas card with like, a book letter lol...mentioning Rob so he had to call for the sexual details, he was excited LMAO...) and we were on the phone for like 4 hours...my phone almost died...that hasn't happened in a LONG time! lol I haven't alked to him since like Sept-ish when he called me last time, and before that, of course, June, when he simultaneously shut each other out lol It was good. Heh, and he told me he and Colt were in teh same driving class a few weeks ago...Colt never mentioned that to me lol...course, I hadn't seen him in forever, and by the time I finally did I'm sure he completely forgot about lol But he was like, "So, when I get my license again, if I were to come pick your ass up and drag you up here one weekend would you spend the night??"...he was so excited lol I'm like, "Um...sure" lol And Friday night Colt & Tony came to Adams St for a bit...when we were leaving Colt walked around the corner outside while Tony was talking to Cassie & her girlfriend, and I followed Colt and he just started sobbing about everything going wrong in his life right now, which made me start to cry, in part from empathy and sympathy for him and also my own issues(whcih is nothing compared to his, but still lol)...we were drying our eyes, and had lingering sniffling, and ton'y slike, "Why the fuck are you guys like, hiding aroudn the corner crying and shit" I'm just like, "Shut up and let us vent how we need to vent" lol
Still...my gays aren't mcuh distraction from this Rob shit. And even if he did read my email and be like, "Well, if you want to I still want to" I don't even know what I'd want to do. Cuz honestly, i dont' know what I want, and I told him that. But I don't think I'd get a reply like that from him because I pretty much told him he deserved WAY better than me, and hopefully he's got that now. I didn't wanna wish him well completely with the new gf...but I did a little, in my own special neurotic way lol But even if he did say he wanted me or something...I think I'ms till WAY to insecure with myself to let it go beyond what it ever has. I really don't know what i want him to say. I'm afraid he'd say something along those lines, but I'm aslo afraid he'll say the opposite...but then something in the between would piss me off too. I think right now, because of how I've been the last few days, I want him to want me....but that also terrifies me, too. Ugh.
I hate my fucked up emotions and psychosis and neurosis regarding this whole relationship bullshit!!
Oh well. Anyway...I'm gonna go now...and sulk lol
T.T.F.N. :-*
So, last Thursday I decided to text Rob. Because a couple days prior an ex of his decided to start emailing me on myspace, like, begging me t friend her cuz, "I'm see really nice" lol...and asked me if the day care I work for is the one by the Community Health Center, and that she dated someone that worked at the CHC, a maintance guy. So, I email her back and ask if it was Rob...sure enough lol Plus, I knew she looked familiar, and that was because she's on Rob's Myspace friends list lol So, I decided on Thursday night to text Rob to tell him.
Alright.
The last time I talked to Rob was early in Dec, over text of course. So this was just a couple weeks later. I text him, "So your ex girlfriend emailed me on Myspace the other day." his reply? "Who is this?" Wow. lol I almost didn't reply...lol But I did..."Um, Samantha" lol He says, "Oh shit my bad, which ex?" lol I told him. He asks how I am. Then asks "So do you have a boyfriend yet?" My reply..."Ew...who said I wanted one!" lol He's like, "No one, just wondering. Wanna see a pic of my girlfriend?" I didn't reply. I was gonna leave that conversation at that. Plus I was also in the process of walking up to Family Dollar to add something to my final week's end secret santa gift for Deanna at work...picture frames and candles lol I wanted to go to the mall to get something...better lol...but I couldn't get there and didnt' wanna attempt to figure out the bus schedule. Also part why I texted Rob...get to chatting, "I need to go to the mall..." anmd hope for a ride lmao...I dunno why but I felt like seeing him or at least talking to him....I blame LIndsey...the ex...cuz up until that I hadn't thought too much about him...a little just cuz of work, but nothing major until LIndsey emailed me...lol But then he asked if I wanted to see a pic of his ex...and I about lost it. I dind't anticipate that. I ignored him.
He text me back a couple minutes later and asked "Where'd you go?" I was a smart ass and said Family Dollar lol He asked why I'd been so antisocial lately...cuz I tod him I was earlier when he asked how I was doing. I dind't answer that question...I didn't wanna get into it with him anymore. The conversation eventually hit a hault and I just threw myself into the shopping, and on the way home I about lost it. WTF!!
And I've been on and off losing it ever since. I was bitching to Colt & Tony about it (but not much cuz they have their own issues...more to Tony than Colt...on Friday night) and then yesterday Dave called me, and I was on the phone with him for like 4hrs, no joke lol...and I kept coming back to this Rob shit. I can't stopping thinking about him! Seriously! I go to bed thinking about him, and wake up thinking about him! WTF! I needed some kind of closure, or Something...and I emailed him like, a novel lol, on myspace. WHen I was tlaking to him on text that night, telling him I was Christmas shopping, he asked what I got him for Christmas. WHen I emailed him onm Froday I was like, "You asked last night what I got you fir Christmas...here ya it is...I'm Sorry." ANd from there I just went on and on and on. I listen to music that we bonded over and I bawled...think about a movie we watched together...I bawled...at work on Friday, the Strawberry Shortcake book he bought me on Sweetest Day...I looked at it...I bawled. W-T-F!?!?!?!
WHY! I NEVER anticipated ANY of this...I pushed his ass away, I didn't want any part of it, mostly...and then I talk to him after not having really talked to him in a few weeks, and he doesn't have my number anymore cuz he dind't know who i was, and then he asks if I wanna see a pic of his girlfriend. I lost it. Am I jealous? I don't even know. I don't get it. And I don't know what I want to accomplish by sending him that email. Do I expect his to ditch his new girlfriend and come running to me...or just some simple closure that would hopefully make me not want to sob every 5min. This is INSANE!! This is NOT me! I PISSED at myself for being like this. I don't do this. I don't get like this. I'm not supposed to care about this shit...I've PRIDED myself on not caring about this shit for as long as I can remember! And then I let my guard down a little bit with a guy...who I'm not even physicall attracted to...and then freak out when I feel like he's getting too serious or we're getting too close for my liking and comfort(cuz I'm commitment phobic and shit)...and then am pissed when he has a girlfriend like a month later. I wonder if he'd had this new gf if he ahdn't been canned from the CHC...although it's probably good he's not there anymore...I'd just be stringing him along again. I obviously took him for granted. That goes without saying. So, with that, because I took him for granted, and now he's not here and available for my times of needing affection and whatnot...I'm pissed and depressed...and realize I probably threw away something that had potential to be good. Everytime though, that I thought I'd be able to get over my lack of physical attraction, I just wasn't able to. And now I'm on that again, and just realizing that the other attraction was enough. I miss him. This whole thing is pissing me off, and scaring me, but I suppose it had to happen sometime...no matter how much kept myself away from it cuz I didn't wanna deal with any of that shit...then I met Rob...and I gave in to his persuing.
He has yet to read that email. I knwo he doesn't get online a lot, but I think he usually manages once or twice a week. Gotta love Mysapce for telling you whether or not an email has been read yet or not lol I'm almost afraid for him to though...lol But oh well...he needs to read it soon...this is making me Nuts! Seriously, I wake up crying. My eyes open, then I start to sob...I dunno if I wish he was beside me or what, but I pretty much think about the night he spent the night at my place, then I start sobbing for like 5min before I calm down. It rediculous! I also mentioned a song cuz I was listening to it in the middle of typing the email..."Listen To Your Heart" by Roxette...gotta love the 80s lol It was a song we talked about a few times. I was in the car with him one night and it came on the radio...I lsitened to the lyrics "Listen to your heart when he's calling to you, listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do I don't know where you're going and I dont' know why but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye"...and I laughed under my breath a little. He was like, "Waht are you chucking about?" I just said, "nothing" he's like, "What?!" I was like, "Nothing, just the song" and he had some semblence of a chuckle as well...I think he got it. And then Madonna's "Open Your Heart" came on..Jesus Christ! Is fate trying to force me to commit to this fucker or wtf! lol But I referenced Listen to Your HEart in the email...basically saying I shoulda listened, but I honestly also didn't know what exactly it was telling me either...but for the most part...I shoulda listened before saying goodbye.
ANyway...on the upside...at least I have people to distract me. Me & Colt are Fab. And fuckign DAVE called me yesterday (cuz I sent him a Christmas card with like, a book letter lol...mentioning Rob so he had to call for the sexual details, he was excited LMAO...) and we were on the phone for like 4 hours...my phone almost died...that hasn't happened in a LONG time! lol I haven't alked to him since like Sept-ish when he called me last time, and before that, of course, June, when he simultaneously shut each other out lol It was good. Heh, and he told me he and Colt were in teh same driving class a few weeks ago...Colt never mentioned that to me lol...course, I hadn't seen him in forever, and by the time I finally did I'm sure he completely forgot about lol But he was like, "So, when I get my license again, if I were to come pick your ass up and drag you up here one weekend would you spend the night??"...he was so excited lol I'm like, "Um...sure" lol And Friday night Colt & Tony came to Adams St for a bit...when we were leaving Colt walked around the corner outside while Tony was talking to Cassie & her girlfriend, and I followed Colt and he just started sobbing about everything going wrong in his life right now, which made me start to cry, in part from empathy and sympathy for him and also my own issues(whcih is nothing compared to his, but still lol)...we were drying our eyes, and had lingering sniffling, and ton'y slike, "Why the fuck are you guys like, hiding aroudn the corner crying and shit" I'm just like, "Shut up and let us vent how we need to vent" lol
Still...my gays aren't mcuh distraction from this Rob shit. And even if he did read my email and be like, "Well, if you want to I still want to" I don't even know what I'd want to do. Cuz honestly, i dont' know what I want, and I told him that. But I don't think I'd get a reply like that from him because I pretty much told him he deserved WAY better than me, and hopefully he's got that now. I didn't wanna wish him well completely with the new gf...but I did a little, in my own special neurotic way lol But even if he did say he wanted me or something...I think I'ms till WAY to insecure with myself to let it go beyond what it ever has. I really don't know what i want him to say. I'm afraid he'd say something along those lines, but I'm aslo afraid he'll say the opposite...but then something in the between would piss me off too. I think right now, because of how I've been the last few days, I want him to want me....but that also terrifies me, too. Ugh.
I hate my fucked up emotions and psychosis and neurosis regarding this whole relationship bullshit!!
Oh well. Anyway...I'm gonna go now...and sulk lol
T.T.F.N. :-*