(no subject)
I’m a heartless, selfish, superficial, hypocritical BITCH!
This is one of those times I don’t value the extent of my Bitchness. Now, depending on how well you know me you might try to contradict that statement…and some have.
How can you be heartless?! You’re all open-minded(I suppose); You’re in the helping profession(or I at least have a degree in it!…but I suppose child care can count, especially at the Community Health Center lol); You love the gays (Yeah, well….sometimes lol j/k).
You’re Not Selfish! You sit there and listen non stop all the time to all the gay relationship drama(Yeah, well, I can’t even do that anymore without going insane…UNLESS I’m only tied to one parry and not both lol); Honey you just bought Colt that outfit from Old Navy which really wasn’t cheap….out of nowhere, just cuz you wanted to do something for a friend….and those boots, as well(True, I do value my friends and would do anything for them and help if I can, and since I was able to purchase those items I splurged on my bff, and his drag queen alter ego lol
How the fuck are You superficial!? Ok, no input from the outside to add here lol I’m as vain as they come and I loathe the way I look, and as much as I hate that I may do it, I have tendencies to pull myself away from people based on superficial things. This goes in with me being a hypocrite.
Oh, that guy won’t date the fabulous girl because she’s not a size 2. Um, I’m not welcoming to advances of a guy, a really nice guy, because he doesn’t look like a soap star. Ok, you know how the recent sitcom theme has been the fat guy/skinny wife thing…I’m try to go with that….lol Actually, no, because I have no intention to get involved with anyone…especially someone I work with. I don’t know what to do and it’s freaking me out…like…A Lot! lol…seriously, I feel like I’m 16, it’s ridiculous! Lmao
He’s(Rob) been like, on me for a month pretty much…I think I worked there for a week before he finally started in on me lol I’ve usually just avoided it and changed the subject or something until he had to finally get back to work and leave me be lol However…he wasn’t letting me change the topic last Friday. And I made the mistake of wanting to stay after to try and decorate my classroom. I also decided maybe I should keep friendly and stuff cuz Diane and I came to the conclusion that Carla was gonna try to get everyone against me, and she talks to Rob a lot and we decided that she might try and get him against me…and I wasn’t about to let that happen, but I also knew it wouldn’t anyway cuz he’s like, obsessed with me lol But he came in my room when I was trying to figure out what to do with it. I decided to stay after on Friday since there’s no more Adams St. He asked if I wanted to go out and get a drink. Oy. Lol I feel bad shooting him down all the time. I tried to change the subject by saying something about the decorating, and he’s like, “NO! I’m NOT letting you change the topic again! And this time I’m not walking away until you say yes or no, since you never give me a straight answer.” Lol *sigh* I agreed lol We went to a bar downtown. I did NOT intend on drinking much….but the drinks just kept coming. Lol I was also texting Colt & Tony during this whole thing lol I told Tony I was actually in a straight bar hanging out with a straight guy and he’s like, “Good Luck. Just remember they like to play with boobs and they like to fuck” I’m like, Ok, Tony, it’s so not like that…at least on MY end! lol So, we ran into a couple friends of his, played a game of pool with them, then we all went to another bar. Again, drinks kept coming and I felt bad cuz he was buying it all….I went in that second bar cuz he gave me a $20 and said he’d be right back and to get a drink, and I went in and looked for an ATM to get my own cash out…but no ATM…I told him that when he got back and he’s like, :Uh, yeah, no ATM here” I’m used to seeing ATMs in ever bar I go into!…maybe it’s just a gay bar thing…? lol Oh, before we left and were deciding where to go he actually offered to go to a gay bar cuz he knows I hang in them, except he said Adams Street…uh, yeah…no…not any more! Lol
So, Colt doesn’t care that I’m freaking out he’s just saying “lol” or “oh” to everything lol And it’s like Tony’s life mission to find me a straight guy to fuck, so yeah, he was all for it lol
We’re at this bar for awhile and one of his friend, the girl(it was a couple) asks if I’m doing anything the next weekend cuz there’s some Octoberfest thing in Cuyahoga Falls that she wants us all to go to…omg lol And her boyfriend referred to Rob & I being out and a date, and we’re both, “This is Not a date!” lol And they kept asking how we knew each other cuz apparently they kept forgetting lol and she was so trying to sell him to me, “He’s a really good guy” blah blah blah over and over again when it was just her and I for like 5min when the guys went MIA lol She was cool though. Rob called her a cunt, playfully, and she would NOT talk to him, and I was like, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT! He’s like, “I can’t believe you’re taking HER Side” And I said something like, “Whatever! Sister Solidarity! You do NOT call a chick a CUNT!!” I actually said Sister Solidarity…LMAO Yeah…I was pretty damn drunk lol This was NOT a good thing…lol
Oh yeah, during this whole night, the more I drank the more open I got. I talked about shit I DO NOT TALK ABOUT to ANYONE!!….I think the only people I’ve had these conversations with were Dave, Jarid, and Colt. I went in about the eating disorder thing and Everything! I was really drunk lol I basically remember everything but the drive from the abr to his place is a little hazy but I got most of it….Yes, his place lol While talking about the food issues, he said I needed to eat, so he pulled into Rally’s cuz I told him about the incident at Rally’s a few nights before with Colt, Tony & Cassie…but I refused to order anything so he didn’t bother and went to a gas station or something to get more alcohol. And uh, he said I shouldn’t think like that and made a comment how he doesn’t have a problem with my body lol I can just imagine him thinking, “Well, she doesn’t eat, but damn she can drink!” lol and then went with that lol He got a 6-pack of Smirnoff. He wanted to rn to his place to let his dogs out. Now, he said he wanted to stop there real quick to do that….I dunno why….like, if he was planning on going somewhere else. We had no intention of being out late at the start of all this, he had to be at work at like 5am, and I just dind’t even feel like being out in the first place. But by now it was around midnight lol This started at like 7 or 8, we figured 10 at the latest we’d be heading home lol He tells me I can’t go in cuz his place is a total mess, and he let the dogs out and I got out of the car to pet them…2 little pameraniums (ap? Lol). And then he now tells me I can come in if I want, but to be warned of the mess…I replied saying my apt looks like a tornado hit it. Went in a he gave me a Smirnoff…I forget if he was drinking anything, a beer maybe, I don’t think he had a Smirnoff. Just sitting on the couch listening to music on his comp, and talking…again, me being WAY too open in my drunkness! :\ lol
Time passes, I don’t remember all the conversation…I remember, I think, more about food issues, I remember talking about my grandpa and him talking about his dad that passed away, and then I dunno, maybe something about my gays lol And then I remember finishing a sentence almost falling asleep as I was talking, and I thought he had fallen asleep. And then he said something and I popped my eyes back open or something, and then we just kept dozing off, sort of. I dunno what time it was….3-4 somewhere maybe. He grabbed my hand and I was too tired to pull it away lol Then his dogs started flipping out so he got up and let them out. Then went to his bedroom and apparently told me to come on in if I wanted lol….I dind’t catch it at the time cuz I was mostly asleep…I laid down on the couch and a couple minutes later he asked if I wanted a pillow and brought one out, then sat back down on the couch and said he felt like being out there chillin with me and then said something like he dind’t mean to freak me out with the laying in bed comment. I didn’t even know what he was talking about. He got a little touchy, but not in a raunchy way lol I was also mostly asleep as well. I dind’t really sleep at all, completely anyway, and then his alarm went off cuz he had to be at work. We left and he went and unlocked the building, dropped me off then went back to work, and also told me to call if I wanted to watch movies Sat night or something. Yeah. Didn’t call him lol Oh, cuz at the second bar with his friends, I was texting of course (Cuz it was been discovered that my new nervous habit is playing with my cell phone and texting people lol). And he doesn’t text cuz he had texts turned off cuz it was costing him too much lol but he typed up a message on his phone and put it in front of me, then went up to the bar to get a drink. I was like, wtf. Then I looked at it…”I’d send you a message but I don’t have your number” So, in my drunkness, I put my number in his phone and called mine so I’d have his lol
So. Here’s my Dilemma. Ok, well, I don’t really have a dilemma. Cuz I have no interest in anything remotely resembling a relationship…again, especially with someone I work with lol But besides that, I’m not physically attracted to him, however he’s a really nice guy….Shannon(his friend from the bar) was trying to sell him to me on that aspect…not needed, I Know he’s a really good guy….and it’d be good for friends, but he’s all about more and I’m not and it’s freaking me out lol Freaking me out also because of what I said I the beginning of this, about the trying something even without the distinct physical attraction, because he is really nice. I saw him for a minutes yesterday toward the end of my day when I only had 1 kid left. I barely said anything to him.
And today I had my Health Center orientation, along with my Director, another Kid Space employee, someone from Help Me Grow who has a child in KidSpace and someone from Medical Records lol It was an all day thing, and the second half of it included a field trip to a building on the other side of town that’s a residential housing facility for addicts and stuff, and where a small version of Kid Space used to be before they expanded. And WHO was the one to be driving us all to that building…oh yes…it was Rob lol I dind’t say much to him, barely made any kind of contact with him. After the orientation, around 3:30, I had to go home, then go back to Kid Space at 5 to close. Rob came in around 5:30 shortly before DeAnna left, I had DeAnna’s daughter Alyssa and then La’Shawna. He comes into the room and asks me if I want to go to his place and watch a movie….omg…and I actually thought I mighta got rid of him. Not that I necessarily want to…altogether anyway. I mean, I don’t wanna make him hate me, but I thought about it. lol I’m good at pushing people away. I thought about doing it, but I’d feel too bad. I can’t be that mean to him…he’s too nice lol And I never answered him. He dind’t get off work til 7:30 and I left at 6. I left without trying to go find him or anything. I figured if he actually called me, I’d go. He called. I didn’t go lol I was gonna. But I didn’t feel like leaving, I was tired cuz the orientation as at 8am and I got up at 6. Plus, seriously, I’ve gained weight and I can’t fit into ANYTHING anymore, and what I can fit into I Hate! Lol And he basically called me from outside my apt and he was out there and I was such a Bitch…”I never said I’d go” of course I said it cue and not bitchy, but still lol And I was actually about ready to suck it up and walk out the door, when he told me he was going…nope wasn’t there anymore, I looked out the window. *shrug*
Seriously. I don’t know what to do! And I was attempting to talk to Colt about it today…and yeah, that was WASTE of time….I swear, trying to talk to him about anything serious is like talking to Dave, I HATE it…I have to be right there to listen to their bullshit, but I go to them with my own issues and God forbid I get 5min of attention! ARGH! Whatever lol And Tony’s just sarcastic about everything and would just be pishing to get me laid lol I told him, Tony, from the other 2 guys from Adams St & The Belt who were on me that you wanted me to go home with….that was cuz of how hot you said they were….tell me you want me to go home with Rob…actually, knowing Tony he’ll still say yes cuz he’s a really nice guy lol
But, I’m Stuck. I dunno…I hate this.
And also…my new theme song is “Burned” by Hilary Duff lol
Oh, but after Colt irritated me today with his lack of listening to my issues today(plus after I actually confront him about my “buying your friendship” issues after his xbox shit, which I dunno if I mentioned on here, but it’s not really worth it, so yeha, whatever lol), I went on Myspace and he finally changed his top friends around on his olt profile…as I was SHOCKED to see lil old me at #3…only behind P!NK and Tony lol I was even in front of Cassie! I was SHOCKED about that one! lol Cassie was #4 lol He didn’t change his Tatiana friends, which I’m on, but way at the bottom, of I think 24…I’m like 3rd to last I think lol But, I’d rather be at the top of Colt than Tatiana…cuz before I was only on Tatiana and I was like, “I’m just the drag hag not worthy for Colt’s top friends, just Tatiana’s lol” Anyway, that was exciting lol
Also, I HATE TIME WARNER!!!! I WANT MY FUCKING INTERNET TO STAY CONNECTED FOR MORE THAN 5MIN AND TO BE CONNECTED WHEN I’M HOME TO USE IT!! It’s on in the middle of the night or when I’m at work…I’ll wake up and if it’s on it’ll go off before I leave for work, and I’m lucky if it’s on when I get home….it’s usually not. And the weekends is REALLY horrible cuz I’m home all day and can’t go online!! ARGH!!
Anyway, I’m gonna shut the fuck up now lol
This is one of those times I don’t value the extent of my Bitchness. Now, depending on how well you know me you might try to contradict that statement…and some have.
How can you be heartless?! You’re all open-minded(I suppose); You’re in the helping profession(or I at least have a degree in it!…but I suppose child care can count, especially at the Community Health Center lol); You love the gays (Yeah, well….sometimes lol j/k).
You’re Not Selfish! You sit there and listen non stop all the time to all the gay relationship drama(Yeah, well, I can’t even do that anymore without going insane…UNLESS I’m only tied to one parry and not both lol); Honey you just bought Colt that outfit from Old Navy which really wasn’t cheap….out of nowhere, just cuz you wanted to do something for a friend….and those boots, as well(True, I do value my friends and would do anything for them and help if I can, and since I was able to purchase those items I splurged on my bff, and his drag queen alter ego lol
How the fuck are You superficial!? Ok, no input from the outside to add here lol I’m as vain as they come and I loathe the way I look, and as much as I hate that I may do it, I have tendencies to pull myself away from people based on superficial things. This goes in with me being a hypocrite.
Oh, that guy won’t date the fabulous girl because she’s not a size 2. Um, I’m not welcoming to advances of a guy, a really nice guy, because he doesn’t look like a soap star. Ok, you know how the recent sitcom theme has been the fat guy/skinny wife thing…I’m try to go with that….lol Actually, no, because I have no intention to get involved with anyone…especially someone I work with. I don’t know what to do and it’s freaking me out…like…A Lot! lol…seriously, I feel like I’m 16, it’s ridiculous! Lmao
He’s(Rob) been like, on me for a month pretty much…I think I worked there for a week before he finally started in on me lol I’ve usually just avoided it and changed the subject or something until he had to finally get back to work and leave me be lol However…he wasn’t letting me change the topic last Friday. And I made the mistake of wanting to stay after to try and decorate my classroom. I also decided maybe I should keep friendly and stuff cuz Diane and I came to the conclusion that Carla was gonna try to get everyone against me, and she talks to Rob a lot and we decided that she might try and get him against me…and I wasn’t about to let that happen, but I also knew it wouldn’t anyway cuz he’s like, obsessed with me lol But he came in my room when I was trying to figure out what to do with it. I decided to stay after on Friday since there’s no more Adams St. He asked if I wanted to go out and get a drink. Oy. Lol I feel bad shooting him down all the time. I tried to change the subject by saying something about the decorating, and he’s like, “NO! I’m NOT letting you change the topic again! And this time I’m not walking away until you say yes or no, since you never give me a straight answer.” Lol *sigh* I agreed lol We went to a bar downtown. I did NOT intend on drinking much….but the drinks just kept coming. Lol I was also texting Colt & Tony during this whole thing lol I told Tony I was actually in a straight bar hanging out with a straight guy and he’s like, “Good Luck. Just remember they like to play with boobs and they like to fuck” I’m like, Ok, Tony, it’s so not like that…at least on MY end! lol So, we ran into a couple friends of his, played a game of pool with them, then we all went to another bar. Again, drinks kept coming and I felt bad cuz he was buying it all….I went in that second bar cuz he gave me a $20 and said he’d be right back and to get a drink, and I went in and looked for an ATM to get my own cash out…but no ATM…I told him that when he got back and he’s like, :Uh, yeah, no ATM here” I’m used to seeing ATMs in ever bar I go into!…maybe it’s just a gay bar thing…? lol Oh, before we left and were deciding where to go he actually offered to go to a gay bar cuz he knows I hang in them, except he said Adams Street…uh, yeah…no…not any more! Lol
So, Colt doesn’t care that I’m freaking out he’s just saying “lol” or “oh” to everything lol And it’s like Tony’s life mission to find me a straight guy to fuck, so yeah, he was all for it lol
We’re at this bar for awhile and one of his friend, the girl(it was a couple) asks if I’m doing anything the next weekend cuz there’s some Octoberfest thing in Cuyahoga Falls that she wants us all to go to…omg lol And her boyfriend referred to Rob & I being out and a date, and we’re both, “This is Not a date!” lol And they kept asking how we knew each other cuz apparently they kept forgetting lol and she was so trying to sell him to me, “He’s a really good guy” blah blah blah over and over again when it was just her and I for like 5min when the guys went MIA lol She was cool though. Rob called her a cunt, playfully, and she would NOT talk to him, and I was like, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT! He’s like, “I can’t believe you’re taking HER Side” And I said something like, “Whatever! Sister Solidarity! You do NOT call a chick a CUNT!!” I actually said Sister Solidarity…LMAO Yeah…I was pretty damn drunk lol This was NOT a good thing…lol
Oh yeah, during this whole night, the more I drank the more open I got. I talked about shit I DO NOT TALK ABOUT to ANYONE!!….I think the only people I’ve had these conversations with were Dave, Jarid, and Colt. I went in about the eating disorder thing and Everything! I was really drunk lol I basically remember everything but the drive from the abr to his place is a little hazy but I got most of it….Yes, his place lol While talking about the food issues, he said I needed to eat, so he pulled into Rally’s cuz I told him about the incident at Rally’s a few nights before with Colt, Tony & Cassie…but I refused to order anything so he didn’t bother and went to a gas station or something to get more alcohol. And uh, he said I shouldn’t think like that and made a comment how he doesn’t have a problem with my body lol I can just imagine him thinking, “Well, she doesn’t eat, but damn she can drink!” lol and then went with that lol He got a 6-pack of Smirnoff. He wanted to rn to his place to let his dogs out. Now, he said he wanted to stop there real quick to do that….I dunno why….like, if he was planning on going somewhere else. We had no intention of being out late at the start of all this, he had to be at work at like 5am, and I just dind’t even feel like being out in the first place. But by now it was around midnight lol This started at like 7 or 8, we figured 10 at the latest we’d be heading home lol He tells me I can’t go in cuz his place is a total mess, and he let the dogs out and I got out of the car to pet them…2 little pameraniums (ap? Lol). And then he now tells me I can come in if I want, but to be warned of the mess…I replied saying my apt looks like a tornado hit it. Went in a he gave me a Smirnoff…I forget if he was drinking anything, a beer maybe, I don’t think he had a Smirnoff. Just sitting on the couch listening to music on his comp, and talking…again, me being WAY too open in my drunkness! :\ lol
Time passes, I don’t remember all the conversation…I remember, I think, more about food issues, I remember talking about my grandpa and him talking about his dad that passed away, and then I dunno, maybe something about my gays lol And then I remember finishing a sentence almost falling asleep as I was talking, and I thought he had fallen asleep. And then he said something and I popped my eyes back open or something, and then we just kept dozing off, sort of. I dunno what time it was….3-4 somewhere maybe. He grabbed my hand and I was too tired to pull it away lol Then his dogs started flipping out so he got up and let them out. Then went to his bedroom and apparently told me to come on in if I wanted lol….I dind’t catch it at the time cuz I was mostly asleep…I laid down on the couch and a couple minutes later he asked if I wanted a pillow and brought one out, then sat back down on the couch and said he felt like being out there chillin with me and then said something like he dind’t mean to freak me out with the laying in bed comment. I didn’t even know what he was talking about. He got a little touchy, but not in a raunchy way lol I was also mostly asleep as well. I dind’t really sleep at all, completely anyway, and then his alarm went off cuz he had to be at work. We left and he went and unlocked the building, dropped me off then went back to work, and also told me to call if I wanted to watch movies Sat night or something. Yeah. Didn’t call him lol Oh, cuz at the second bar with his friends, I was texting of course (Cuz it was been discovered that my new nervous habit is playing with my cell phone and texting people lol). And he doesn’t text cuz he had texts turned off cuz it was costing him too much lol but he typed up a message on his phone and put it in front of me, then went up to the bar to get a drink. I was like, wtf. Then I looked at it…”I’d send you a message but I don’t have your number” So, in my drunkness, I put my number in his phone and called mine so I’d have his lol
So. Here’s my Dilemma. Ok, well, I don’t really have a dilemma. Cuz I have no interest in anything remotely resembling a relationship…again, especially with someone I work with lol But besides that, I’m not physically attracted to him, however he’s a really nice guy….Shannon(his friend from the bar) was trying to sell him to me on that aspect…not needed, I Know he’s a really good guy….and it’d be good for friends, but he’s all about more and I’m not and it’s freaking me out lol Freaking me out also because of what I said I the beginning of this, about the trying something even without the distinct physical attraction, because he is really nice. I saw him for a minutes yesterday toward the end of my day when I only had 1 kid left. I barely said anything to him.
And today I had my Health Center orientation, along with my Director, another Kid Space employee, someone from Help Me Grow who has a child in KidSpace and someone from Medical Records lol It was an all day thing, and the second half of it included a field trip to a building on the other side of town that’s a residential housing facility for addicts and stuff, and where a small version of Kid Space used to be before they expanded. And WHO was the one to be driving us all to that building…oh yes…it was Rob lol I dind’t say much to him, barely made any kind of contact with him. After the orientation, around 3:30, I had to go home, then go back to Kid Space at 5 to close. Rob came in around 5:30 shortly before DeAnna left, I had DeAnna’s daughter Alyssa and then La’Shawna. He comes into the room and asks me if I want to go to his place and watch a movie….omg…and I actually thought I mighta got rid of him. Not that I necessarily want to…altogether anyway. I mean, I don’t wanna make him hate me, but I thought about it. lol I’m good at pushing people away. I thought about doing it, but I’d feel too bad. I can’t be that mean to him…he’s too nice lol And I never answered him. He dind’t get off work til 7:30 and I left at 6. I left without trying to go find him or anything. I figured if he actually called me, I’d go. He called. I didn’t go lol I was gonna. But I didn’t feel like leaving, I was tired cuz the orientation as at 8am and I got up at 6. Plus, seriously, I’ve gained weight and I can’t fit into ANYTHING anymore, and what I can fit into I Hate! Lol And he basically called me from outside my apt and he was out there and I was such a Bitch…”I never said I’d go” of course I said it cue and not bitchy, but still lol And I was actually about ready to suck it up and walk out the door, when he told me he was going…nope wasn’t there anymore, I looked out the window. *shrug*
Seriously. I don’t know what to do! And I was attempting to talk to Colt about it today…and yeah, that was WASTE of time….I swear, trying to talk to him about anything serious is like talking to Dave, I HATE it…I have to be right there to listen to their bullshit, but I go to them with my own issues and God forbid I get 5min of attention! ARGH! Whatever lol And Tony’s just sarcastic about everything and would just be pishing to get me laid lol I told him, Tony, from the other 2 guys from Adams St & The Belt who were on me that you wanted me to go home with….that was cuz of how hot you said they were….tell me you want me to go home with Rob…actually, knowing Tony he’ll still say yes cuz he’s a really nice guy lol
But, I’m Stuck. I dunno…I hate this.
And also…my new theme song is “Burned” by Hilary Duff lol
Oh, but after Colt irritated me today with his lack of listening to my issues today(plus after I actually confront him about my “buying your friendship” issues after his xbox shit, which I dunno if I mentioned on here, but it’s not really worth it, so yeha, whatever lol), I went on Myspace and he finally changed his top friends around on his olt profile…as I was SHOCKED to see lil old me at #3…only behind P!NK and Tony lol I was even in front of Cassie! I was SHOCKED about that one! lol Cassie was #4 lol He didn’t change his Tatiana friends, which I’m on, but way at the bottom, of I think 24…I’m like 3rd to last I think lol But, I’d rather be at the top of Colt than Tatiana…cuz before I was only on Tatiana and I was like, “I’m just the drag hag not worthy for Colt’s top friends, just Tatiana’s lol” Anyway, that was exciting lol
Also, I HATE TIME WARNER!!!! I WANT MY FUCKING INTERNET TO STAY CONNECTED FOR MORE THAN 5MIN AND TO BE CONNECTED WHEN I’M HOME TO USE IT!! It’s on in the middle of the night or when I’m at work…I’ll wake up and if it’s on it’ll go off before I leave for work, and I’m lucky if it’s on when I get home….it’s usually not. And the weekends is REALLY horrible cuz I’m home all day and can’t go online!! ARGH!!
Anyway, I’m gonna shut the fuck up now lol