Lovestruck Thoughts On All Hallow's Eve
On the 30th day of April 2006, I declared to the whole wide cyberworld that I am deeply in love.
Most of the time, I find it funny whenever I say that I am in love. When majority of people that I encounter say that, they say it to people -- living, sensient creatures who have the free will to reciprocate or reject those feelings. It would be very nice if something like that happened to me as well. But as far as I am concerned, the only declaration of love that I did is a bit farfetched from saying those words to someone special.
But all that didn't matter to me. I was in love, even if I was only in love with the mere idea that every fangirl fabricated in their respective minds. It all came down to one point: I wanted to make my ideas - even the most surreal down to the super idiotic ones - come to life. I wanted my love to breathe and pulsate, metaphorically. And to do that, I had to express those ideas with whatever ability I have.
That was the start of sixthwinemaiden. She who discovered that perhaps the world is not yet about to come crashing down on her. Tomorrow, maybe, but not on that day. She who found that every bit of thought - may it be random or not - sustained her, and unconsciously molded her into the person that she is now.
That was the day when writing became my breathing and my pulsation.
As I tread further down my imaginary slopes and flats, I realize that this basic history of mine repeats itself. Whether it may involve my emotionally-driven relationship with Inui Sadaharu and Kaidou Kaoru, or my hopeless obsession with a certain Nakagauchi Masataka, or my undying adoration for Sato Yuichi - the cycle goes on. I fall for them, find myself getting sucked in a wormhole back to reality, and find myself back in their sweet clutches.
People sneer at this kind of fanatical thought. I don't need to be paranoid-delusional to feel how they feel -- all of my fantasizing and obviously shallow thoughts won't do me any good. That sooner or later, I would have to grow out of this before I end up acting like a kid in the midst of all the adult angst. Yes, they have a point. They occupy the classic grey side of black and white, so to speak. But, I don't know. I can't find the slightest willpower to agree on that. I feel that I owe every bit of who I am now to these influences.
I guess the old cheesy saying bites hard. No matter what you do, you will always find yourself going back to that someone whom you love the most. Of course, there's a slight variation.
I just can't let go of this world, just as how this deserves my most beloved icon of all.