*max caulfield voice* life is.... weird
since my last update, not much has changed, except-
- mia and i bought a house in las cruces
- i have a crazy fucking shitty job
- my dad died unexpectedly in his sleep on june 6th, 2023. the timing was really bad for reasons i won't even bother writing down. i am tortured by his absence every moment of the day.
i don't know where to go from here. i feel like i have no control over myself and my trajectory is pitiful. i am probably going to end up like my dad if i don't stop smoking and drinking, but besides a few nights here and there, there's nothing compelling enough to make me stop entirely. i wish i could. i have so much guilt and anxiety about it and this has been going on for years. it started when i was in grad school and alone in my apartment. i was so terrified of someone breaking into my apartment that i started drinking a beer or two some nights to help me sleep. otherwise i would toss and turn and have nightmares. one or two beers a night turned into mostly every night. i have kept that trajectory since grad school. it's not normal and it's not okay to have a beer or two every night. the smoking is even more mortifying. i truly know i can stop and i have with ease. i'm just selfish and stupid and get bored without it and cannot find suitable replacements.
if my dad knew what was going to happen to him, he would have stopped or at least tremendously cut back. he did not want to die. on the contrary, i've never seen him so hopeful and excited for the future. he did not deserve what happened to him. he deserves to be here with his family and enjoying all the plans we made. for his sake, i hope there's no consciousness after death so that he can't see and know what his death has done to our family. he would be tortured.
mia and i are spending a week in vegas for thanksgiving. i hope i can find enough peace in my brain to enjoy it.
- mia and i bought a house in las cruces
- i have a crazy fucking shitty job
- my dad died unexpectedly in his sleep on june 6th, 2023. the timing was really bad for reasons i won't even bother writing down. i am tortured by his absence every moment of the day.
i don't know where to go from here. i feel like i have no control over myself and my trajectory is pitiful. i am probably going to end up like my dad if i don't stop smoking and drinking, but besides a few nights here and there, there's nothing compelling enough to make me stop entirely. i wish i could. i have so much guilt and anxiety about it and this has been going on for years. it started when i was in grad school and alone in my apartment. i was so terrified of someone breaking into my apartment that i started drinking a beer or two some nights to help me sleep. otherwise i would toss and turn and have nightmares. one or two beers a night turned into mostly every night. i have kept that trajectory since grad school. it's not normal and it's not okay to have a beer or two every night. the smoking is even more mortifying. i truly know i can stop and i have with ease. i'm just selfish and stupid and get bored without it and cannot find suitable replacements.
if my dad knew what was going to happen to him, he would have stopped or at least tremendously cut back. he did not want to die. on the contrary, i've never seen him so hopeful and excited for the future. he did not deserve what happened to him. he deserves to be here with his family and enjoying all the plans we made. for his sake, i hope there's no consciousness after death so that he can't see and know what his death has done to our family. he would be tortured.
mia and i are spending a week in vegas for thanksgiving. i hope i can find enough peace in my brain to enjoy it.