maridrama
So all last week I had probably gotten 5 hours of sleep, no play, all work, low energy, high crankiness, going bonkers, etc. I didn't even have the weekend to sleep because it was big meeting on Saturday and special meal on sunday, plus reading period. So, of course friday night, being the end of classes, Harkness was abreast with a bustle of sound and activity. And I just wanted BED. Steve told me his house was quiet, I could sleep there. So I went. I sat in the living room where people were talking and drank water before bed. They were passing around a bubbler, and steve took a hit of it and because he apparently didn't know what a bubbler was and smoked it like a pipe instead of bong, he proceeded to hack and cough and burn his throat. Jesus. Then I went upstairs and got into bed and he sat down beside me and there was much noise from downsairs and this greatly distressed me and I considered going home but I just remembered how fucking freezing I had been on the bike ride over. We talked a little and I was stressing about being trapped in noisiness then at one point steve sat up and was like "OH my god, milly I'm so extremely high right now I don't know what's happening please don't leave me I need you here I don't know what was in that pot I'm really scared" and I kept asking why he was scared and he kept saying things like "LOOK milly, you don't understand," and "LISTEN, I'm really freaked out" and got confused so I made a sound and he said "OH my god, DON't laugh at me" and this was all so terrifying like he had turned into a monster out of nowhere and his yelling made me feel not safe, and I thought about oh man, here I am, sleep deprived and trapped in a noisy place when I have to get up early tomorrow and my boyfriend is suddenly someone I don't recognize because he took fucking DRUGS, and it all added up and suddenly I was sobbing and so of course this freaked him out too and he was saying I can't believe this is happening and layed on top of me I guess to comfort me, but every time I would breathe in for a sob he would jump 10 feet so I pushed him away and put on my coat and boots and everything and was going to leave but I thought about how freezing it was and unfair it was that I was the one who had to deal when I wasn't the one who'd taken the fucking drugs and how little sleep I was going to get anyway and decided to just stay there. I didn't know what to do, who he was, and I was so distressed I almost called my mom, and I do NOT call my mom.
I knew that the next time we saw each other could not be normal, and we had some urgent talking to do. The next evening I saw him and explained the situation from my perspective and that it was not an acceptable situation for me to be in and that it cannot happen again, and he seemed to understand and explained it from his perspecive which didn't piss me off too much, and even though I don't feel any better about the fact that it happened, I feel like I can go back to normal. It's just...I have problems with the fact that he uses these drugs in the first place, as we all know, and for it to go as far as making me feel unsafe--It brings up triggers and memories galore, there is a multitude of concern here. Fuck. I always date people who have made me cry in a bad way more than a few times. Is this normal? Fuck.
I knew that the next time we saw each other could not be normal, and we had some urgent talking to do. The next evening I saw him and explained the situation from my perspective and that it was not an acceptable situation for me to be in and that it cannot happen again, and he seemed to understand and explained it from his perspecive which didn't piss me off too much, and even though I don't feel any better about the fact that it happened, I feel like I can go back to normal. It's just...I have problems with the fact that he uses these drugs in the first place, as we all know, and for it to go as far as making me feel unsafe--It brings up triggers and memories galore, there is a multitude of concern here. Fuck. I always date people who have made me cry in a bad way more than a few times. Is this normal? Fuck.