(no subject)
I haven't updated in some time. Things have been strange, but not all negative. I stopped partying -- again -- been like four months. I'm also much less social when I don't have "lubricant", if you will. I'm sorry for that. I think it's a positive change though. School ended well, looking forward to fall. I moved out of Kelly's about four months ago, which was hard and painful, but a needed change for both of us. I feel like I have to play little diplomat about the whole situation with everyone; my family was really upset about it. I suspect it will be haunting, as it should be, for quite some time.
I am just trying to figure out life, per usual. I've started back in therapy, trying to explain to myself why I'm such a fuck up with the little things, I guess. I can keep and job, pass school, probably will have a decent career. I wake up not incredibly unhappy. Things is, I feel like I'm just trying to pass the time till life is done ticking when I'm not stoned or drunk or some combination. And I'm a fucking shitty friend, a shitty partner, a shitty sister, a shitty daughter. It's like I'd rather just let people down before they have the chance. My Grandmother was looking forward to seeing me all Spring, come summer I tell her I'm going to visit. Well, I get anxious, change my mind and cancel at the last minute. What the fuck, Courtney Bell, what the fuck. Anyhow, I'm trying to see her at the end of the summer now, but it's like I even manage to somehow disappoint an old lady.
I just need to get over this anxiety shit. It's nobody's issue but my own, yet it seems to infiltrate everywhere!
Anyhow, on the most superficial level, I'm well. Been back into cycling, lost a shit ton of weight simply from not smoking pot and riding my bike around. I'm seeing someone new, Amy. It's going well, surprisingly, but it's a challenge to be exposed, especially given the sobriety if you will. She's patient with me, seems to not care/notice how much of a fuck I am about things. I'm sort of ambivalent to discuss that further, given the forum. It's been healthly so far; that's something I can rarely say. I'm leaving my position at Riverside, or at least going very part-time because it's not the same anymore. I had to move houses, and I'm just not attached to my new clients as I was to my old group of ladies. I'm going to waitress at a little bar/grill that's a few blocks from my house. It'll be better money, but waitressing sucks.
Well, I'm late for work.
Love,
Courtney
I am just trying to figure out life, per usual. I've started back in therapy, trying to explain to myself why I'm such a fuck up with the little things, I guess. I can keep and job, pass school, probably will have a decent career. I wake up not incredibly unhappy. Things is, I feel like I'm just trying to pass the time till life is done ticking when I'm not stoned or drunk or some combination. And I'm a fucking shitty friend, a shitty partner, a shitty sister, a shitty daughter. It's like I'd rather just let people down before they have the chance. My Grandmother was looking forward to seeing me all Spring, come summer I tell her I'm going to visit. Well, I get anxious, change my mind and cancel at the last minute. What the fuck, Courtney Bell, what the fuck. Anyhow, I'm trying to see her at the end of the summer now, but it's like I even manage to somehow disappoint an old lady.
I just need to get over this anxiety shit. It's nobody's issue but my own, yet it seems to infiltrate everywhere!
Anyhow, on the most superficial level, I'm well. Been back into cycling, lost a shit ton of weight simply from not smoking pot and riding my bike around. I'm seeing someone new, Amy. It's going well, surprisingly, but it's a challenge to be exposed, especially given the sobriety if you will. She's patient with me, seems to not care/notice how much of a fuck I am about things. I'm sort of ambivalent to discuss that further, given the forum. It's been healthly so far; that's something I can rarely say. I'm leaving my position at Riverside, or at least going very part-time because it's not the same anymore. I had to move houses, and I'm just not attached to my new clients as I was to my old group of ladies. I'm going to waitress at a little bar/grill that's a few blocks from my house. It'll be better money, but waitressing sucks.
Well, I'm late for work.
Love,
Courtney