Can't Seem to Let Go..
Well, I've had this journal now for so many years.. and even though I don't really use it much anymore, I can't seem to let go. I've considered starting a new blog, because actually I like Gmail's version better, but I see it as kind of cheating on my old blog. I wish I could like, transfer all my old crap to Gmail, and make a permanent switch or something.. Even though I've pretty much out grown this blog, I guess sometimes I do feel the need to talk to "someone" about whats going on, even if it is a computer.
The short of it is, my life is going pretty well. I'm getting married in almost less than 5 months, as January 23rd approaches, and I can't believe that at all. It seems like we literally JUST got engaged, and now the time is almost upon us! I always knew that it would go fast, everyone told me it does, and I'm really glad it is. I'm ready for it, I've been ready for it, so lets get this show on the road! Planning and everything is going fine, I'm seriously waiting for that moment that apparently everyone has where they are flipping out over something, and I had that a little bit when I realized that my two color ideas were crap and literally had nothing else to work with but I figured it out with the help of my girls. So now its just down to giving other people money to do things for me! Not stressful at all. Everything on that front is fine, Matt is fine, just starting his second semester of 2nd year of vet school.. so after this one he'll be half done. Also seems like just yesterday that he was starting school. Our lives are going by rather quickly here, which is all I could hope for in this city.
Ahhhh yes if a day doesn't go by where I don't like living here, I don't really notice those. This morning I was propositioned by a homeless old lady for cigarettes and food as I waited for the bus. You know, its the little things that really make you love living somewhere.... But I guess down to the business of my job.
There are a couple of things I want to be clear about. 1) I took this job only because it was literally the only place that gave me an interview and a job offer. Literally the only place. 2) I know in a shitty economy I should be thankful for having a job, I fucking get it. 3) I don't like my job. I know that my complaint is the usual complaint from basically everyone in America, but I'm doing something that I don't think I can literally stand to do for another 2 years. Literally. Its getting harder, not easier, to do the things that I do, and I'm starting to suffer emotionally. I'm suffering emotionally because first and foremost, 90% of my job consists of the malicious harm of animals. I think that it was easier for me in the beginning, I don't know if I was in shock or what, but its getting harder and harder for me every day to justify what we do. As a scientist, I know animal research is necessary, we wouldn't have literally anything if we didn't do it, but *I* don't want to be the one anymore. I don't. Secondly, my emotional suffering continues when I realize that while from the outside one might look at my career and say, oh, well, once Matt is done with school just switch jobs. Yea, well its not that easy. During my, what will be 4 years here, I will have gained 4 years of experience doing something that I DO NOT want to do. So unless I leave here wanting the exact same job somewhere else, I'm literally trained for NOTHING else. That's not true, but I have no experience in any other field, so I'm a weak candidate for, say, teaching. Which is why I'm desperately trying to get ANY teaching under my belt during these 4 years just to prove that, no, I don't want to do my job forever and I WAS harboring a teaching interest all those years. But as I have to work my job full time, you can imagine how well my quest for a part time teaching job is going. "Well, I can work 5 pm -9 pm weekdays and on the weekends! But thats it. Oh, you won't hire me? Weird." So now I'm dealing with being A) trapped in a job that is slowly killing my ability to get up in the morning and move around and B) I can't do anything about it by trying to get another small job to get more experience in another field and C) feel as though as a result of those two things I will be stuck in this field forever and D) that causes me to cry a lot. So that is the progression. And I have people telling me everyday "Oh, well, thats so exciting what you do Erin, sounds like a great job!!!" and "You should be thankful for even *having* a job, Erin, really" and "WOW RESEARCHER!!! THATS SO COOL I WISH I COULD DO IT!!!" Yea, well, fuck all you's because you have no idea what my life is. Maybe thats also one of the worst parts. Nobody understands me. They write me off as just complaining about work when really its so much more than "ugh, work another day". I wouldn't MIND working another day if it didn't involve me doing the things that I do! If you're wondering why I'm being purposefully vague, its not to save your feelings, oh no. If I have to suffer, I sure as hell wouldn't care about sugar coating it for the rest of you's. Its to make sure by some strange chance that if PETA were to read this I wouldn't get in trouble.
The bottom line is that lately I'm feeling so tired, and I have trouble getting up, and I feel dead inside at work, like a lifeless cog, even at home I find myself just kind of sitting and not feeling anything sometimes. Its like a huge cloud of apathy and depression has taken over and I can't fight it anymore because I'm too tired. I think this is serious, what I'm feeling, and I think the only solution is to not do this anymore.
But I carry on. Help.
The short of it is, my life is going pretty well. I'm getting married in almost less than 5 months, as January 23rd approaches, and I can't believe that at all. It seems like we literally JUST got engaged, and now the time is almost upon us! I always knew that it would go fast, everyone told me it does, and I'm really glad it is. I'm ready for it, I've been ready for it, so lets get this show on the road! Planning and everything is going fine, I'm seriously waiting for that moment that apparently everyone has where they are flipping out over something, and I had that a little bit when I realized that my two color ideas were crap and literally had nothing else to work with but I figured it out with the help of my girls. So now its just down to giving other people money to do things for me! Not stressful at all. Everything on that front is fine, Matt is fine, just starting his second semester of 2nd year of vet school.. so after this one he'll be half done. Also seems like just yesterday that he was starting school. Our lives are going by rather quickly here, which is all I could hope for in this city.
Ahhhh yes if a day doesn't go by where I don't like living here, I don't really notice those. This morning I was propositioned by a homeless old lady for cigarettes and food as I waited for the bus. You know, its the little things that really make you love living somewhere.... But I guess down to the business of my job.
There are a couple of things I want to be clear about. 1) I took this job only because it was literally the only place that gave me an interview and a job offer. Literally the only place. 2) I know in a shitty economy I should be thankful for having a job, I fucking get it. 3) I don't like my job. I know that my complaint is the usual complaint from basically everyone in America, but I'm doing something that I don't think I can literally stand to do for another 2 years. Literally. Its getting harder, not easier, to do the things that I do, and I'm starting to suffer emotionally. I'm suffering emotionally because first and foremost, 90% of my job consists of the malicious harm of animals. I think that it was easier for me in the beginning, I don't know if I was in shock or what, but its getting harder and harder for me every day to justify what we do. As a scientist, I know animal research is necessary, we wouldn't have literally anything if we didn't do it, but *I* don't want to be the one anymore. I don't. Secondly, my emotional suffering continues when I realize that while from the outside one might look at my career and say, oh, well, once Matt is done with school just switch jobs. Yea, well its not that easy. During my, what will be 4 years here, I will have gained 4 years of experience doing something that I DO NOT want to do. So unless I leave here wanting the exact same job somewhere else, I'm literally trained for NOTHING else. That's not true, but I have no experience in any other field, so I'm a weak candidate for, say, teaching. Which is why I'm desperately trying to get ANY teaching under my belt during these 4 years just to prove that, no, I don't want to do my job forever and I WAS harboring a teaching interest all those years. But as I have to work my job full time, you can imagine how well my quest for a part time teaching job is going. "Well, I can work 5 pm -9 pm weekdays and on the weekends! But thats it. Oh, you won't hire me? Weird." So now I'm dealing with being A) trapped in a job that is slowly killing my ability to get up in the morning and move around and B) I can't do anything about it by trying to get another small job to get more experience in another field and C) feel as though as a result of those two things I will be stuck in this field forever and D) that causes me to cry a lot. So that is the progression. And I have people telling me everyday "Oh, well, thats so exciting what you do Erin, sounds like a great job!!!" and "You should be thankful for even *having* a job, Erin, really" and "WOW RESEARCHER!!! THATS SO COOL I WISH I COULD DO IT!!!" Yea, well, fuck all you's because you have no idea what my life is. Maybe thats also one of the worst parts. Nobody understands me. They write me off as just complaining about work when really its so much more than "ugh, work another day". I wouldn't MIND working another day if it didn't involve me doing the things that I do! If you're wondering why I'm being purposefully vague, its not to save your feelings, oh no. If I have to suffer, I sure as hell wouldn't care about sugar coating it for the rest of you's. Its to make sure by some strange chance that if PETA were to read this I wouldn't get in trouble.
The bottom line is that lately I'm feeling so tired, and I have trouble getting up, and I feel dead inside at work, like a lifeless cog, even at home I find myself just kind of sitting and not feeling anything sometimes. Its like a huge cloud of apathy and depression has taken over and I can't fight it anymore because I'm too tired. I think this is serious, what I'm feeling, and I think the only solution is to not do this anymore.
But I carry on. Help.