Just Another Grain Of Sand.....
......in a Mountain of Trash.
That is HOW I feel right now. Having another Bout of Depression almost 2 weeks after the last one and it's not even PMS (Pre or Post)!
I guess I feel lonely especially now as I TRY to RUSH my costume for Cosfest. I'll be doing Saint Seiya Cosplay ALONE again and being FAT, UGLY and doing a non-popular title in Singapore, I just feel unwanted.
Even at Facebook, I SELDOM get replies from my local friends and if I do, it tend to be dumb ones from the moronic ones. SKIPPED on my Posts since it's all random Rambling and Depressing Childish Notes which won't make sense to them since I'm crazy about Saint Seiya again right now and I might say certain names in riddle (Guess who Mr. Snooze and Mr. Death are or the Bugger) in an attempt to not let some people know who I'm refering to. Bayu, Mira, Putri and many others are just my overseas friends and yet they took the trouble to add a word or 2 of encouragement or note in my posts.
I seldom see this among my local ones.
Maybe I'm just insignificant.
Always been deprived emotionly and to certain extend materialistically in my life and things took a turn for the worse last September when my (Grand)mother was FORCELY TAKEN away from me by her BASTARD Children. SHE IS *MY* MOTHER BASTARDS!!!! YOU BASTARDS GOT CHILDREN, GRANDCHILDREN AND CLOSE FRIENDS, I HAVE NOTHING LEFT FOR ME!
I want to cry but yet no tears comes out most days. I tried to be strong like Defteros or Albafica but yet I can't. They have a purpose in life far beyond just being a Good Person. I dun.
I always try to reach out for Help but NOBODY PHYSCIALLY reach up for my hands. Fine they have their own families and friends to take care off and I only got myself and a buncha kids who only "disturb" me when I desired them too. But I just need that little comforting Hug when we meet, just a word to say "You can do it!" and "I care" in my face.
But I get none.
Everyone busy with their own life and work while I'm crying here in the corner of the room.
Work Life at Science Centre had gone suckier as the years goes by as in truth, I'm still the Bottom Feeder in the Pyramid of Workers there. Friends come and go and each time I come back, I dun know the place anymore.
Friends became foe cause they choose to throw their extra baggage on me when I'm busy with work. I'm not like the rest dammit who LOVE to Chit-Chat non-stop with them rather than with the visitors. Whose Intelligetual is far inferior to mine even tho' I am not that highly educated (I only got GCE 'A' Level aka High School "Diploma" but spent 3+ years studying for Biotechnology Diploma and still keep a KEEN interest in Life Sciences and Medical Knowledges).
Superiors choose to believe those who spin lies just because they are closer to them, love to chit-chat with them instead of doing the job to be done in the Exhibition Hall and of the same race. Maybe the Chinese in me at work but most of the time in my line of job, who are usually the hardworking ones, the Malay Teen or the Chinese ones? Malay ones always do nothing much but ChitChat and spin tall tales and education is just not that important. Even those who're educated choose to maintain their air of laziness.
WHERE HAS THE PEOPLE I KNEW AND STILL KNOW BACK IN MY SECONDARY AND JUNIOR COLLAGE GONE TOO? Has the new Generation gone more LAZY and dummer?
Money had always been the reason for my depression and now it made worse thanks to my Elder Brother. HE PROMISED TO PROVIDE FOR ME EVEN AFTER MY (GRAND)MOTHER WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME! HE AND MY DAD ALLOW THOSE BASTARDS TO TAKE MY MOTHER FROM ME. My Purpose in Life is GONE! I lost count how many months he didn't give the allowance, NOW made worse cause I have no job and almost ZERO money in my Bank Account. I almost been starving myself from proper food these days. JUST RICE WON'T FEED ME DAMMIT! Been nursing a painful tummy lately and I highly doubt due to my last-minute works on my costume.
"Maybe you should take a break from cosplaying" you might say since it might be the cause of my depression right now. BUT skipping on it, will only make matter WORSE as Cosplaying, Trooping and Forum Discussions/Chatroom is my ONLY source of contact with REAL people right now.
I always been taught NOT to let go and I dun want to let go. Kiasu, Greedy call whatever you want of it but it's the way I was raised and the way I found comfort in this life.
Ya, funny I haven't slit my wrist yet or jump down from the 25th Floor but that is because I know Hades-sama won't be waiting for me on the other side. And I'm NOT ready to let go of Life. So live the life I must but it's the suffering that is getting on my nerve.
Maybe that is why I feel closer to Hades Alone right now.....Life is full of Suffering and even tho' you try to lessen it, without PHYSICAL support from others, nothing can be done to lessen the Suffering.