Ramble On....(Losing My Freakish-ness and Other Tragedies)
I am such a freak. Since I was thirteen years old, I though that was cool. I was proud to be different, because there were always other people who were equally different (not in the same way, of course), so I didn't feel alone.
I went to a high school that was so diverse that anyone could find their own clique. Hell, I bet there was a loner clique. Then I went to Antioch College, a clothing-optional campus, where in the summer I could wear my bikini top and short-shorts to class and no one would look at me twice. In my home town of Berkeley, I would wear my black-and-red striped stockings with my miniskirt, or get all elegantly Gothed up and no one would judge me for it.
I'm used to having my own sense of style, and being outspoken. I'm used to thinking that if someone doesn't like what I think or the way I dress, then they don't deserve to know me in the first place. But that was all until I moved here.
Suddenly, I'm walking around with my shoulders tensed up, concerned about what people think about me. I'm wearing boring clothes that I don't feel good or interesting in. In classes, I don't talk, because I fear that in the middle of my sentence, I'll get all flustered or just forget what I was going to say altogether. For the first time, I'm worried that not enough people will share my views on the gender binary, or the socio-economic system, or race, or loving your body (fat-positive issues, etc.).
During my first job, at an electronics store, I had a couple bosses who were sexist. I had an intelligent conversation with one of them, and he said he wasn't used to talking to such a smart woman. I laughed, and decided that smashing a desk chair on his head would put me at a financial disadvantage. He was also Maori, and loved to make jokes about how Maori were criminals. I understand the whole self-deprecating humour thing, cause Jews do it, too. But it got old after a while.
Then I worked at a video store, where my boss and another coworker made comments about how you couldn't trust Indians (the Asian kind), because they were manipulative with money or something. Sounded a bit like the stereotype for Jews. And another coworker told me very sincerely about how the Maori used to eat Europeans when they ran out of pigs. I found that especially interesting, since pigs didn't exist in New Zealand until Europeans brought them here.
The whole time, these people would state the disclaimer, "I'm not racist, but...." Hahahahaha! Love it. If you honestly feel the need to say that, just don't bother. You're being a hypocrite already. If I was going to say something about Indians being dishonest or something, I'd say, "I know I'm a bit racist, but this is what I've noticed," or something like that. And seriously, if I'm a bit racist, then the people mentioned above must be oozing racism!
I suppose that's the price I pay for being sheltered from the more bigoted aspects of society my whole life. At the video store I mentioned, there was also a guy there who went on about how he would see gay men making out on K Road (red light district in Auckland). He said it like it was the most disgusting thing in the world. I said, "what's wrong with that?" thinking it might just be a Public Display of Affection issue. Some people just can't handle PDAs that well. He said, "Gays can do whatever they want in their own home, but I don't want to see that shit. It's not natural."
I asked him if it would bother him to see two women making out, and he said no. I pointed out the double standard, and suggested that perhaps his aversion to gays had to do with the possibility that their presence threatened his masculinity. Of course, I wasn't trying to convince him of anything by that point; I was merely amusing myself by seeing how he would react to that hypothesis.
Yeah, I'm not too tolerant of intolerance. Luckily, my violence has only taken the form of fantasies so far. If you could read my mind, you'd probably think I was a bloodthirsty, self-righteous lunatic. If you had a conversation with me, the latter would be confirmed =)
I went to a high school that was so diverse that anyone could find their own clique. Hell, I bet there was a loner clique. Then I went to Antioch College, a clothing-optional campus, where in the summer I could wear my bikini top and short-shorts to class and no one would look at me twice. In my home town of Berkeley, I would wear my black-and-red striped stockings with my miniskirt, or get all elegantly Gothed up and no one would judge me for it.
I'm used to having my own sense of style, and being outspoken. I'm used to thinking that if someone doesn't like what I think or the way I dress, then they don't deserve to know me in the first place. But that was all until I moved here.
Suddenly, I'm walking around with my shoulders tensed up, concerned about what people think about me. I'm wearing boring clothes that I don't feel good or interesting in. In classes, I don't talk, because I fear that in the middle of my sentence, I'll get all flustered or just forget what I was going to say altogether. For the first time, I'm worried that not enough people will share my views on the gender binary, or the socio-economic system, or race, or loving your body (fat-positive issues, etc.).
During my first job, at an electronics store, I had a couple bosses who were sexist. I had an intelligent conversation with one of them, and he said he wasn't used to talking to such a smart woman. I laughed, and decided that smashing a desk chair on his head would put me at a financial disadvantage. He was also Maori, and loved to make jokes about how Maori were criminals. I understand the whole self-deprecating humour thing, cause Jews do it, too. But it got old after a while.
Then I worked at a video store, where my boss and another coworker made comments about how you couldn't trust Indians (the Asian kind), because they were manipulative with money or something. Sounded a bit like the stereotype for Jews. And another coworker told me very sincerely about how the Maori used to eat Europeans when they ran out of pigs. I found that especially interesting, since pigs didn't exist in New Zealand until Europeans brought them here.
The whole time, these people would state the disclaimer, "I'm not racist, but...." Hahahahaha! Love it. If you honestly feel the need to say that, just don't bother. You're being a hypocrite already. If I was going to say something about Indians being dishonest or something, I'd say, "I know I'm a bit racist, but this is what I've noticed," or something like that. And seriously, if I'm a bit racist, then the people mentioned above must be oozing racism!
I suppose that's the price I pay for being sheltered from the more bigoted aspects of society my whole life. At the video store I mentioned, there was also a guy there who went on about how he would see gay men making out on K Road (red light district in Auckland). He said it like it was the most disgusting thing in the world. I said, "what's wrong with that?" thinking it might just be a Public Display of Affection issue. Some people just can't handle PDAs that well. He said, "Gays can do whatever they want in their own home, but I don't want to see that shit. It's not natural."
I asked him if it would bother him to see two women making out, and he said no. I pointed out the double standard, and suggested that perhaps his aversion to gays had to do with the possibility that their presence threatened his masculinity. Of course, I wasn't trying to convince him of anything by that point; I was merely amusing myself by seeing how he would react to that hypothesis.
Yeah, I'm not too tolerant of intolerance. Luckily, my violence has only taken the form of fantasies so far. If you could read my mind, you'd probably think I was a bloodthirsty, self-righteous lunatic. If you had a conversation with me, the latter would be confirmed =)