April Fools
I feel like I’m getting closer to a renaissance of self. But, that inner change for me has to come from a place of deep pain or longing that I’m not altogether in touch with right now.
This afternoon I had to stay after school to attend a lecture about the affect of a person’s genetic makeup on their addiction to smoking and other substances. Apparently, your first experience with a cigarette is often a good indicator of your predisposition to addiction of it. I bumped into Stanzie (whom I hadn’t seen since my day of hookie, jicama, piercings, general Joes, and MC). We spent half of the lecture exchanging looks about my freshman smoking habits. Anywayz, The lecture let out a little after 8 and I snuck out of the hall as the students began to ask questions about future research opportunities. It was mostly dark outside as I started walking across the campus mall like I used to when I lived on Graustark. I dug my IPod out of the bottom of my purse for the first time in months, and without looking at what came up, released the hold button. Silverstein filled my headphones with that melodious tune: “Discovering the Waterfront”. I love that song. For just a few minutes, my head didn’t feel like a giant pulsing grape with a sinus infection. The moment was incredibly liberating. “I will promise myself I won’t care / Distracting myself from your stare / And I’ve seen this mistake once before / with your games I will never fall for…. Pretend it’s not forever / I’ll pull myself together / I’ll say that I’ll forget her / I’ll breathe. / And I’ll say she never hurt me / And look at it as learning / And laugh about the good and the bad.”
This week is the first week since Christmas I’m back in the black. And even though it’s only by $10 I’m dying to spend it on the new Twilight DVD and some new belly button rings… But I won’t! I’m moving in with Jeff in a month and a half and we’ll need all the money we can muster. I got so excited when I found out that the website had this neato little function that allowed me to put virtual furniture into our floor plan! I decorated the whole place. Its almost like naming a stray pet that your parents probably aren’t going to let you keep. Once you do it its really hard to say goodbye because its real and its yours… I’m keeping it! I hope. (Even if it puts me back in the red)
Jeff was the only person to attempt to April Fools me… he said that the apartment complex we just put down a deposit with gave our apartment away. I didn’t buy it but I was still horrified that he tried.
I just finished my homework that’s due tomorrow morning. Although I managed to make it through last fall without getting sick for once, the spring has brought me a sinus infection and two ear infections. I started my antibiotics yesterday and they don’t seem to be helping yet… damn. I haven’t gotten a good nights sleep in days. In fact, with the stress of Tammie’s promotion and all this financial moving out business, I spent Monday night lying in bed staring at the ceiling or thinking with my eyes closed from 12:22 AM- 8:20 AM. I finally got up and made a three index-card long list of things that Tammie needed to be trained on. I skipped my bio lecture for the first time this semester and got about two hrs sleep. In 8 hrs of lying in the dark I didn’t doze off once, my mind was racing so fast. (Kasey, be happy for me, damn it!) Tricky part is that the meds should make me drowsy.
Even though I don’t want to talk about it, I feel like it wouldn’t be honest to leave this slice of the day out. I found another file on my computer today that had a chatroom from back when the group was a giant family. I read over some of the words we all used and our mannerisms. That world is completely foreign to me. I remember feeling completely at home. As soon as I’d get home from school I’d watch TV or eat then I’d go to my room and log on to AOL and talk to everyone about anything and everything. I spent so many evenings in highschool not sleeping, and crying all night over some online drama. But, looking back I knew a sense of community then that I haven’t known since. It was a family with all of the love and the senseless arguing and mismatched pairs and strong personalities that made it up. I don’t even know why I’m talking about all this. I don’t want to stir it all up. It’s just strange how some little blurb like that can set off all of those emotions. I’ve said it before: If you’ve never been part of a community like that, you can’t understand what its like- online or not.
I don’t think I’m going to go to bed. But I think its time for me to sign off.