on Dr Miller
I was heavily heavily pregnant when Dr Miller was shot. I read about it and burst into tears - not that I'd ever even heard of the man prior to that news story, but it struck me as horribly tragic. Not only to be shot in church, but to lose that wealth of knowledge and experience.
But what most got me was this.*
To backtrack a little - at week 18, when I finally got to see DoctorB and officially get myself an obstetrician, we discussed my refusal to get the genetic testing that is damn close to mandatory for week 12. That's the one that picks up probabilities for Downs Syndrome, a variety of trisomies and can lead to a bunch of other tests (CVS, amniocentesis). I refused it because it's primary use is to identify Downs syndrome and that was a non-issue for Linc and I. Before we started having sex, way back when, we discussed birth control and pregnancy and all those sorts of things - at that point in my life I was not going to have an abortion for anything other than those disabilities that are incompatible with life (to use a phrase my ob. used during that first consultation). Earlier in my life I knew I would have, but at that juncture i wasn't ready as such, but I wasn't as ill-equipped as I had been. In any case, i refused the testing and copped abuse not only from a locum but from four seperate receptionsts I spoke to while trying to find an obstetrician. Even the receptionist at DoctorB's office laid down a guilt trip (hint: never EVER ask a pregnant woman 'well, how do you know your baby is still alive?') (seriously), but I didn't then get 'oh, we won't be able to take you on afterall' from his office. They rushed an appointment for me and after my holiday I made my way to his office.
Turns out he is an obstetrician for a lot of young Jewish women, and the Orthodox community, which I think makes him a lot more respsectful of 'this is my choice for my personal beliefs'.
In any case we spoke about what was happening with the pregnancy and what I was planning for the birth. Then we got to the 'no 12 week scan' topic. And it wasn't an issue, except it meant there was a slightly higher chance that they'd find something on the 20 week scan that would have otherwise been picked up previously. He was quite anxious that I not refuse all scans/tests - I explained that it wasn't an aversion to scans or tests and in fact I really wanted the 20 week scan so I could find out the sex, but our decision that Downs Syndrome (or other disabilities) would not affect the pregnancy or our immediate plans. His anxiety was quite high though and he explained that the 20 week scan may find disabilities incompatible with life and in that situation he does recommend abortion rather than carrying the fetus to term.
The look on his face when he explained that delivering a full-term child who was either already dead or had no high brain function was difficult made me think he was not talking theoretically. When he elaborated that it was long, traumatic and awful for the family and the staff, it became clear that he was talking from experience.
He explained that he could provide continual care at that point as well. Meaning my regular obstetrician could have provided me with a late-term abortion if needed.
In other words, the care I could have received from my regular ob. at his office/hospital, covered in total by my private healthcare (or the public system if I didn't have private), a short drive from my home (longer than it needed to be because I moved between getting my ob. and having the baby) and without facing any protesters, someone had to drive across the country, face the most awful judgements and pay thousands of dollars for. And still get raked ofver the coals even when the circumstances are known.
And someone just made that so much harder by shooting one of the few people providing that service.
I've always been pro-choice. Being pregnant made me moreso, if that makes sense. I was carrying a child and i loved her from the first moment i knew she was there. But I cannot imagine the horror of that if i did not want to be pregnant, did not want a child, could not care for a child. The sheer agony if I had gotten pregnant when I was raped. It becomes your life, it affects your entire being. You are never ever ever the same again. I cannot fathom forcing someone to endure it because of my moral choices. The concept really bothers me, even as the concept of aborting a planned for and wanted child simply because it has Downs Syndrome bothers me. The difference being that I only make that choice for myself - others are not bound by my ethical choices.
Looking this up again was hard. Harder than when I was pregnant.
But what most got me was this.*
To backtrack a little - at week 18, when I finally got to see DoctorB and officially get myself an obstetrician, we discussed my refusal to get the genetic testing that is damn close to mandatory for week 12. That's the one that picks up probabilities for Downs Syndrome, a variety of trisomies and can lead to a bunch of other tests (CVS, amniocentesis). I refused it because it's primary use is to identify Downs syndrome and that was a non-issue for Linc and I. Before we started having sex, way back when, we discussed birth control and pregnancy and all those sorts of things - at that point in my life I was not going to have an abortion for anything other than those disabilities that are incompatible with life (to use a phrase my ob. used during that first consultation). Earlier in my life I knew I would have, but at that juncture i wasn't ready as such, but I wasn't as ill-equipped as I had been. In any case, i refused the testing and copped abuse not only from a locum but from four seperate receptionsts I spoke to while trying to find an obstetrician. Even the receptionist at DoctorB's office laid down a guilt trip (hint: never EVER ask a pregnant woman 'well, how do you know your baby is still alive?') (seriously), but I didn't then get 'oh, we won't be able to take you on afterall' from his office. They rushed an appointment for me and after my holiday I made my way to his office.
Turns out he is an obstetrician for a lot of young Jewish women, and the Orthodox community, which I think makes him a lot more respsectful of 'this is my choice for my personal beliefs'.
In any case we spoke about what was happening with the pregnancy and what I was planning for the birth. Then we got to the 'no 12 week scan' topic. And it wasn't an issue, except it meant there was a slightly higher chance that they'd find something on the 20 week scan that would have otherwise been picked up previously. He was quite anxious that I not refuse all scans/tests - I explained that it wasn't an aversion to scans or tests and in fact I really wanted the 20 week scan so I could find out the sex, but our decision that Downs Syndrome (or other disabilities) would not affect the pregnancy or our immediate plans. His anxiety was quite high though and he explained that the 20 week scan may find disabilities incompatible with life and in that situation he does recommend abortion rather than carrying the fetus to term.
The look on his face when he explained that delivering a full-term child who was either already dead or had no high brain function was difficult made me think he was not talking theoretically. When he elaborated that it was long, traumatic and awful for the family and the staff, it became clear that he was talking from experience.
He explained that he could provide continual care at that point as well. Meaning my regular obstetrician could have provided me with a late-term abortion if needed.
In other words, the care I could have received from my regular ob. at his office/hospital, covered in total by my private healthcare (or the public system if I didn't have private), a short drive from my home (longer than it needed to be because I moved between getting my ob. and having the baby) and without facing any protesters, someone had to drive across the country, face the most awful judgements and pay thousands of dollars for. And still get raked ofver the coals even when the circumstances are known.
And someone just made that so much harder by shooting one of the few people providing that service.
I've always been pro-choice. Being pregnant made me moreso, if that makes sense. I was carrying a child and i loved her from the first moment i knew she was there. But I cannot imagine the horror of that if i did not want to be pregnant, did not want a child, could not care for a child. The sheer agony if I had gotten pregnant when I was raped. It becomes your life, it affects your entire being. You are never ever ever the same again. I cannot fathom forcing someone to endure it because of my moral choices. The concept really bothers me, even as the concept of aborting a planned for and wanted child simply because it has Downs Syndrome bothers me. The difference being that I only make that choice for myself - others are not bound by my ethical choices.
Looking this up again was hard. Harder than when I was pregnant.