skiing TWO (electric boogaloo)
I know that there are some people who perform the act of snowboarding and receive some sort of enjoyment from it. I've seen them, they are an attractive people who eat healthy things for breakfast and drive vans. I thought that maybe I too could be one of those people. That is why I chose to partake of this activity on Sunday.
The day started well. I picked up Alyssa at an hour of the morning that I had previously thought was a myth. I mentioned this discovery to Alyssa and she was kind enough to educate me on other hours that exist even earlier. That was fascinating. We drove off sipping our coffee and chatting of pleasant things. The trunk of my car was well packed for any eventuality. I'd been sure to bring an extra change of dignity. In my head the day was already planned. I know what I'm doing out there, I've seen snowboarding in films and on TV. You stand on the board, swish your legs about and slap other snowboarders on the back when you get to the bottom. Some spoiled, blonde snowpunk named "Brett" will challenge me to race Deadman's Run, I'll beat him in my gentle, humble way and then take home the girl of my choosing. This isn't brain surgery.
We arrived, got our tickets and got dressed in our snowgear. Alyssa looks sleek, stylish and sexy in hers. I look like laundry.
At the rental place we are offered Helmets to go with our snowboards. Five extra bucks! What?! to protect our heads? Are you sir, suggesting that we are lame?! No helmets for us. I pick up my board. The dude behind the counter chirps, "We just sharpened the blade on that one." I consider this information. The five foot blade that I'll be strapped to has just been made sharper. I suppose telling a condemned man that his Guillotine has just been serviced is probably considered good news. "Thank you," I say.
We are at the bottom of the bunny hill. Our task is simple, stand in line with the four and six year olds, grab the plastic handles that are moving up the hill at .02 miles an hour. "Ha, ha, ha" I say, and grab the handle. I'm launched upon an incredible journey lasting 4 and half feet. Then I am introduced to my first fall of the day. "Hi, I'm Frank, I'll be your Fall, this is Steve, your humiliation, we'll be working together." Oh no, did Alyssa see that? No. She's on her back yelling at her sense of balance, "Stupid sense of balance start working right the hell now!" I'm helped up by a blonde six year old, she's dressed in pink with a matching snowboard. She's probably named Suzie Buttons or something. "Thank you small one," I say, "please don't help me again."
Alyssa and I get to the top of the bunny hill. The air is so much fresher and cleaner from twelve feet up. We are both strapped in and ready to go. Now there is really no reason to go into detail about what happened next. Suffice to say there were some "happenings," there was some language that I regret and have since publicly apologized for. I'm doing some community service now. I go into Kindergarten's across the country and warn children about the dangers of using the "F" word. There are some parents who will never buy my book. I'm ready to move on from this. The important part is; we did, in our own way, get to the bottom of the hill. We now felt that we were fully qualified to tackle the big one.
On the chairlift trip up we picked out the cool moves that we would soon be performing. I'm sensible, I'm not going to try anything with a flip until my second or third run. We were expertly trading advice. "Keep your weight over the board" said I, "Push on the toe" said Alyssa. I have my interview with "Extreme Snowboarder" running through my head, "Yeah, it only took me 20 minutes to learn, you just have to remember to push on your toe..."
Then we were at the top and peaking over the precipice. Suddenly it was, "Dr. SerWacki you are wanted in O.R. STAT..." "What...wha, I'm not a Doctor who are you..." "Doctor this man is going to die without you performing major brain surgery on him, Get your instruments and get in there!" "But...but, I'm just a Bunny artist, does he want me to draw him something, is he having a problem with his brushes?" "Nurse we are losing him!"
I'm not qualified for this! What the hell am I doing here? What is this on my feet?! Alyssa and I began our first run.
There is a difference between falling on skis and falling on a snowboard.
I've fallen on skis plenty of times. Skiing falls are cute, poofy falls which cover you in powder and make you giggle. "Oh look I fell, silly me!" you can say, dusting a light coating of flakes from your hat. This gives your friends the chance to point at you and say, "Ha, Ha, you have fallen on skis, how funny you look!" Then there are smiles and laughter all around. Elves and woodland creatures come out to join the fun.
You do not use words like "silly" when you fall on a snowboard. There are no Elves or squirrels. There is no laughter. Snowboarding falls are horrible acts of violence. If you are able to get up from a snowboarding fall you can't dust off the snow. You've hit the ground so hard the snow is inside you. You may need surgery.
I remember most of my falls, that's a good sign, it means I don't regret not spending that five bucks. Every fall was unique. There was the one where I slid ten feet on just the tip of my nose, there was the one where I was spinning so fast that onlookers thought I was strapped to a wagon wheel, there was a neat one where my lower body stopped but my upper body continued down the hill, the one with the tree, the one where I lost my hat and several ribs. The only thing in common with all of them was the sound I'd make when I hit the ground. It was the same sound the Balrog made when Gandalf smote his ruin upon the mountain. Of course the Balrog's ruin was only smoted the once. My ruin was smoted many times in succession. The Balrog got off easy.
We snowboarded for four hours and had to stop. We had both run out of body parts that we could afford to do without. So we made a unanimous decision to switch over to skis. The snowboard was glaring at me malevolently as it was traded away, but the skis looked at me with love. I love you too skis, lets never part again. We continued our day, skiing the slopes with unicorns and Fairies looking on.
A word about Alyssa. Alyssa is a black belt in Karate. If we were attacked by hillbillies on the way home I would grab my drawing pad and sketch while she removed their delicate bits. Alyssa does not even need to hit you with her fists and feet. She can do it using only her eyes. I'm not sure how she performs this. I THINK she actually beats you in the head using her eyelashes like clubs. She did it to me once years ago and my only memories are answering the paramedic's questions, "...yes, I can still wiggle my toes..." So I have come to expect a certain level of bad-assness when dealing with her. But there was this incident...we were on the chair lift chatting about parallel skiing and she said these actual words, "I like the little poof, poof, poof sound of the snow..." She said this while bobbing her head from shoulder to shoulder and making little dancing twinkerbell motions with her fingers. Now, I was very wise, I did not mention this to her and I hope you and I can keep this just between us. It was very cute. I thought that maybe I had accidentally gotten on the chair lift with little Suzie Buttons, but no, it was Alyssa. She had somehow become momentarily adorable, Deadly, but adorable. No one must ever tell her this.
When the day came to a merciful end we headed for home. We stopped for a bite to eat at an oasis and ordered pizza and beer. It was the greatest pizza and beer that any poor mortal has ever touched. I wanted to worship it and sacrifice sheep to it. It's Alyssa's fault that I'm not still there hugging it and whispering "Thank You." The two hour ride home was uneventful, Alyssa fell asleep after forty minutes, I fell asleep soon after. No worry, the cruise control was set. I wasn't really bothered by a car crash anyway.
Car crash? Come on...
The day started well. I picked up Alyssa at an hour of the morning that I had previously thought was a myth. I mentioned this discovery to Alyssa and she was kind enough to educate me on other hours that exist even earlier. That was fascinating. We drove off sipping our coffee and chatting of pleasant things. The trunk of my car was well packed for any eventuality. I'd been sure to bring an extra change of dignity. In my head the day was already planned. I know what I'm doing out there, I've seen snowboarding in films and on TV. You stand on the board, swish your legs about and slap other snowboarders on the back when you get to the bottom. Some spoiled, blonde snowpunk named "Brett" will challenge me to race Deadman's Run, I'll beat him in my gentle, humble way and then take home the girl of my choosing. This isn't brain surgery.
We arrived, got our tickets and got dressed in our snowgear. Alyssa looks sleek, stylish and sexy in hers. I look like laundry.
At the rental place we are offered Helmets to go with our snowboards. Five extra bucks! What?! to protect our heads? Are you sir, suggesting that we are lame?! No helmets for us. I pick up my board. The dude behind the counter chirps, "We just sharpened the blade on that one." I consider this information. The five foot blade that I'll be strapped to has just been made sharper. I suppose telling a condemned man that his Guillotine has just been serviced is probably considered good news. "Thank you," I say.
We are at the bottom of the bunny hill. Our task is simple, stand in line with the four and six year olds, grab the plastic handles that are moving up the hill at .02 miles an hour. "Ha, ha, ha" I say, and grab the handle. I'm launched upon an incredible journey lasting 4 and half feet. Then I am introduced to my first fall of the day. "Hi, I'm Frank, I'll be your Fall, this is Steve, your humiliation, we'll be working together." Oh no, did Alyssa see that? No. She's on her back yelling at her sense of balance, "Stupid sense of balance start working right the hell now!" I'm helped up by a blonde six year old, she's dressed in pink with a matching snowboard. She's probably named Suzie Buttons or something. "Thank you small one," I say, "please don't help me again."
Alyssa and I get to the top of the bunny hill. The air is so much fresher and cleaner from twelve feet up. We are both strapped in and ready to go. Now there is really no reason to go into detail about what happened next. Suffice to say there were some "happenings," there was some language that I regret and have since publicly apologized for. I'm doing some community service now. I go into Kindergarten's across the country and warn children about the dangers of using the "F" word. There are some parents who will never buy my book. I'm ready to move on from this. The important part is; we did, in our own way, get to the bottom of the hill. We now felt that we were fully qualified to tackle the big one.
On the chairlift trip up we picked out the cool moves that we would soon be performing. I'm sensible, I'm not going to try anything with a flip until my second or third run. We were expertly trading advice. "Keep your weight over the board" said I, "Push on the toe" said Alyssa. I have my interview with "Extreme Snowboarder" running through my head, "Yeah, it only took me 20 minutes to learn, you just have to remember to push on your toe..."
Then we were at the top and peaking over the precipice. Suddenly it was, "Dr. SerWacki you are wanted in O.R. STAT..." "What...wha, I'm not a Doctor who are you..." "Doctor this man is going to die without you performing major brain surgery on him, Get your instruments and get in there!" "But...but, I'm just a Bunny artist, does he want me to draw him something, is he having a problem with his brushes?" "Nurse we are losing him!"
I'm not qualified for this! What the hell am I doing here? What is this on my feet?! Alyssa and I began our first run.
There is a difference between falling on skis and falling on a snowboard.
I've fallen on skis plenty of times. Skiing falls are cute, poofy falls which cover you in powder and make you giggle. "Oh look I fell, silly me!" you can say, dusting a light coating of flakes from your hat. This gives your friends the chance to point at you and say, "Ha, Ha, you have fallen on skis, how funny you look!" Then there are smiles and laughter all around. Elves and woodland creatures come out to join the fun.
You do not use words like "silly" when you fall on a snowboard. There are no Elves or squirrels. There is no laughter. Snowboarding falls are horrible acts of violence. If you are able to get up from a snowboarding fall you can't dust off the snow. You've hit the ground so hard the snow is inside you. You may need surgery.
I remember most of my falls, that's a good sign, it means I don't regret not spending that five bucks. Every fall was unique. There was the one where I slid ten feet on just the tip of my nose, there was the one where I was spinning so fast that onlookers thought I was strapped to a wagon wheel, there was a neat one where my lower body stopped but my upper body continued down the hill, the one with the tree, the one where I lost my hat and several ribs. The only thing in common with all of them was the sound I'd make when I hit the ground. It was the same sound the Balrog made when Gandalf smote his ruin upon the mountain. Of course the Balrog's ruin was only smoted the once. My ruin was smoted many times in succession. The Balrog got off easy.
We snowboarded for four hours and had to stop. We had both run out of body parts that we could afford to do without. So we made a unanimous decision to switch over to skis. The snowboard was glaring at me malevolently as it was traded away, but the skis looked at me with love. I love you too skis, lets never part again. We continued our day, skiing the slopes with unicorns and Fairies looking on.
A word about Alyssa. Alyssa is a black belt in Karate. If we were attacked by hillbillies on the way home I would grab my drawing pad and sketch while she removed their delicate bits. Alyssa does not even need to hit you with her fists and feet. She can do it using only her eyes. I'm not sure how she performs this. I THINK she actually beats you in the head using her eyelashes like clubs. She did it to me once years ago and my only memories are answering the paramedic's questions, "...yes, I can still wiggle my toes..." So I have come to expect a certain level of bad-assness when dealing with her. But there was this incident...we were on the chair lift chatting about parallel skiing and she said these actual words, "I like the little poof, poof, poof sound of the snow..." She said this while bobbing her head from shoulder to shoulder and making little dancing twinkerbell motions with her fingers. Now, I was very wise, I did not mention this to her and I hope you and I can keep this just between us. It was very cute. I thought that maybe I had accidentally gotten on the chair lift with little Suzie Buttons, but no, it was Alyssa. She had somehow become momentarily adorable, Deadly, but adorable. No one must ever tell her this.
When the day came to a merciful end we headed for home. We stopped for a bite to eat at an oasis and ordered pizza and beer. It was the greatest pizza and beer that any poor mortal has ever touched. I wanted to worship it and sacrifice sheep to it. It's Alyssa's fault that I'm not still there hugging it and whispering "Thank You." The two hour ride home was uneventful, Alyssa fell asleep after forty minutes, I fell asleep soon after. No worry, the cruise control was set. I wasn't really bothered by a car crash anyway.
Car crash? Come on...