My personal psychologist had a really interesting train of thought for me a while back when I was first starting to confront my inability to accept that people care about me (easily my biggest sticky issue, and I've had a lot of backslides):
"Have these people in your life ever said that no, they can't or don't want to spend time with you right then? (yes) So, since you know that in the past they *have* said no when they can't or don't want to spend time with you, shouldn't that make it that much more meaningful when they say that yes, they do?" (The general upshot being that when I start worrying that they're only doing it to humor me but don't really want to themselves, I'm supposed to remember that they have turned me down in the past, so that's evidence of such humoring being not something they do.)
I know I've been on the receiving end of this kind of pressure. I also know sometimes I've been the one who inflicted it on myself. But that's why I think it's so important to nudge our culture toward being one where "no" really means "no" and that's really and truly okay - because then it also makes it a whole lot more likely that "yes" really means "yes".
"Have these people in your life ever said that no, they can't or don't want to spend time with you right then? (yes) So, since you know that in the past they *have* said no when they can't or don't want to spend time with you, shouldn't that make it that much more meaningful when they say that yes, they do?" (The general upshot being that when I start worrying that they're only doing it to humor me but don't really want to themselves, I'm supposed to remember that they have turned me down in the past, so that's evidence of such humoring being not something they do.)
I know I've been on the receiving end of this kind of pressure. I also know sometimes I've been the one who inflicted it on myself. But that's why I think it's so important to nudge our culture toward being one where "no" really means "no" and that's really and truly okay - because then it also makes it a whole lot more likely that "yes" really means "yes".
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