(no subject)
Holy hell, I live!
Well, after more or less dropping off the face of the internet for what...six, seven months? I have returned to a more normal level activity and am attempting to go about updating and rebooting my old pages, including this one.
I can pretty safely say I'm not the person I was many months ago. Since then, I have been through a really bad bout of depression, followed by postpartum depression, that left me bare and unable to deal with just about anything. I completely withdrew from people and any kind of social life I had, I stopped writing or drawing, I stopped participating in fandoms that I love, I just...quit everything because I was simply consumed with worry and stress and self-loathing.
I had my daughter on September 4th, at 32 weeks, which made her two months early. The premature later was preceeded by an absolute freak out on my part, which was innitated by my body apparently going into labor without me realizing it, and oldest daughter Natalie trying to drink a bottle of lysol.
All trauma and hysterics aside, my newest addition, Alana Faye Woodside was born via C-Section at 10:33 pm, weighing in at a miniscule 3lbs and 11 ounces.
I spent four days in the hospital recovering and going from depression immediately into postpartum depression. My daughter, being so small and simply unable to even attempt eating herself, stayed in the NICU for an agonizing two months. Kevin and I divided our time between the hospital, work, and our other child, leaving no time to do much else.
I have been seeing a therapist regularly and had a mess of medications prescribed to me. Which again left me with zero drive to do anything but sleep and mindlessly watch television when I was spending time with my children.
Family members were a mixed blessing. Some were very supportive, while others seemed to go out of their way to make everything worse.
But finally our little girl came home on Nov. 8th, having been on a feeding tube right up until the day of her release.
Then the holidays were upon us and that was a whirlwind of juggling the again not-so-helpful family and our priorities, which lead to many arguments, fights, and so on. Alana and Natalie are getting along great, and Natalie loves being a big sister.
Now we come to the end of January.
Saturday is moving day for us, as we have purchased a home (my father-in-law's former house) where my husband grew up. Four bedrooms, huge yard, fire place, basement and garage and all ours. Though the house is old and needs work, we are thrilled that we can actually do work on it, where as the home we have been rented was destined to remain painfully untouched due to our landlord's preference of keeping it as fuguly as possible. Well, it's about to be someone else's fucking problem, so ha!
Natalie is 2, going on 3 and is INSANELY smart. I am so proud. :) She also seems oddly fond of Tim Burton movies, which she just calls "bones" and requested to watch Corpse Bride so much she broke it. She is so my child. I am teaching her about the Hobbit and she is in love with all things fairy or princess related. As much as I thought I would choke on all the pink and sparkles this kid is all about, I actually kind of love it, and can endorse her love of princesses while teaching her not to grow up to be a snotty little princess like so many girls I grew up with that had the same obsessions. Plus she loves dirt, bugs, and her daddy's action figures which she calls "daddy's dollies." HA.HA.
I'm not fully out of the woods with my depression issues. I still struggle with self-loathing, and yes, even self-harm. Juggling to children is just about as hard as I figured it would be, if not harder, but I love my girls so much, I wouldn't trade them for anything. My husband and I are looking forward to starting over in our new place and putting this past God-awful year behind us all. We still have a long road to go, but despite our problems and ups and downs, we always come back and find each other again. It's taken a long time for him to get his head around my mental and emotional issues, but I feel like he's moving towards understanding and I feel like I am finally starting to come out of the other side of this nightmare.
I have returned to writing, though it is at far slower pace. I hope my art will eventually follow, but I can't rush it.
I haven't worked on any of my old projects that need finishing (what a surprise, huh?) Mostly because I need something NEW to revitalize me, and that new thing is apparently the Hobbit...(facepalm)
I really and truly did miss adventures in Middle Earth, and was such a huge fan of the trilogy and had read the books and enjoyed them back in the day when I first got them in my teens. You know, over 17 years ago. O_o
And I never, ever, ever would have guessed this movie would make me love it like it did. I mean...LOVE it. Not quite the obsessive way I love Johnny Depp, but pretty damn close. And never would I have guessed Peter FUCKING Jackson would make me want to see THORIN OAKENSHIELD and BILBO BAGGINS together. Naked. Doing gay things.
GOD DAMMIT, PETER, WHERE DO YOU KEEP FINDING THESE GORGEOUS MEN!? SERIOUSLY!!?!?!?
So yeah, that's been my current project, pretty much started within the last week. Get ready. There will be ALL KINDS of Middle Earth shenanigans all over this place and DA. There will be no escape.
As for all the Depp Slash I am used to and known for, it is sitting comfortably, waiting for it's time. After five years, I really think Johnny could use a break of me writing gay porn about him and himself...and occasionally other people, but mostly himself. A nice time of rest before Lone Ranger hits theaters this July will be good for me, and it will keep me preoccupied from over obsessing with Bilbo and the gang until Desolation of Smaug comes out in theaters this December. (squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!)
So that's been my life for the last eight months. Fascinating, eh?
Here's pics of the kiddos:
Well, after more or less dropping off the face of the internet for what...six, seven months? I have returned to a more normal level activity and am attempting to go about updating and rebooting my old pages, including this one.
I can pretty safely say I'm not the person I was many months ago. Since then, I have been through a really bad bout of depression, followed by postpartum depression, that left me bare and unable to deal with just about anything. I completely withdrew from people and any kind of social life I had, I stopped writing or drawing, I stopped participating in fandoms that I love, I just...quit everything because I was simply consumed with worry and stress and self-loathing.
I had my daughter on September 4th, at 32 weeks, which made her two months early. The premature later was preceeded by an absolute freak out on my part, which was innitated by my body apparently going into labor without me realizing it, and oldest daughter Natalie trying to drink a bottle of lysol.
All trauma and hysterics aside, my newest addition, Alana Faye Woodside was born via C-Section at 10:33 pm, weighing in at a miniscule 3lbs and 11 ounces.
I spent four days in the hospital recovering and going from depression immediately into postpartum depression. My daughter, being so small and simply unable to even attempt eating herself, stayed in the NICU for an agonizing two months. Kevin and I divided our time between the hospital, work, and our other child, leaving no time to do much else.
I have been seeing a therapist regularly and had a mess of medications prescribed to me. Which again left me with zero drive to do anything but sleep and mindlessly watch television when I was spending time with my children.
Family members were a mixed blessing. Some were very supportive, while others seemed to go out of their way to make everything worse.
But finally our little girl came home on Nov. 8th, having been on a feeding tube right up until the day of her release.
Then the holidays were upon us and that was a whirlwind of juggling the again not-so-helpful family and our priorities, which lead to many arguments, fights, and so on. Alana and Natalie are getting along great, and Natalie loves being a big sister.
Now we come to the end of January.
Saturday is moving day for us, as we have purchased a home (my father-in-law's former house) where my husband grew up. Four bedrooms, huge yard, fire place, basement and garage and all ours. Though the house is old and needs work, we are thrilled that we can actually do work on it, where as the home we have been rented was destined to remain painfully untouched due to our landlord's preference of keeping it as fuguly as possible. Well, it's about to be someone else's fucking problem, so ha!
Natalie is 2, going on 3 and is INSANELY smart. I am so proud. :) She also seems oddly fond of Tim Burton movies, which she just calls "bones" and requested to watch Corpse Bride so much she broke it. She is so my child. I am teaching her about the Hobbit and she is in love with all things fairy or princess related. As much as I thought I would choke on all the pink and sparkles this kid is all about, I actually kind of love it, and can endorse her love of princesses while teaching her not to grow up to be a snotty little princess like so many girls I grew up with that had the same obsessions. Plus she loves dirt, bugs, and her daddy's action figures which she calls "daddy's dollies." HA.HA.
I'm not fully out of the woods with my depression issues. I still struggle with self-loathing, and yes, even self-harm. Juggling to children is just about as hard as I figured it would be, if not harder, but I love my girls so much, I wouldn't trade them for anything. My husband and I are looking forward to starting over in our new place and putting this past God-awful year behind us all. We still have a long road to go, but despite our problems and ups and downs, we always come back and find each other again. It's taken a long time for him to get his head around my mental and emotional issues, but I feel like he's moving towards understanding and I feel like I am finally starting to come out of the other side of this nightmare.
I have returned to writing, though it is at far slower pace. I hope my art will eventually follow, but I can't rush it.
I haven't worked on any of my old projects that need finishing (what a surprise, huh?) Mostly because I need something NEW to revitalize me, and that new thing is apparently the Hobbit...(facepalm)
I really and truly did miss adventures in Middle Earth, and was such a huge fan of the trilogy and had read the books and enjoyed them back in the day when I first got them in my teens. You know, over 17 years ago. O_o
And I never, ever, ever would have guessed this movie would make me love it like it did. I mean...LOVE it. Not quite the obsessive way I love Johnny Depp, but pretty damn close. And never would I have guessed Peter FUCKING Jackson would make me want to see THORIN OAKENSHIELD and BILBO BAGGINS together. Naked. Doing gay things.
GOD DAMMIT, PETER, WHERE DO YOU KEEP FINDING THESE GORGEOUS MEN!? SERIOUSLY!!?!?!?
So yeah, that's been my current project, pretty much started within the last week. Get ready. There will be ALL KINDS of Middle Earth shenanigans all over this place and DA. There will be no escape.
As for all the Depp Slash I am used to and known for, it is sitting comfortably, waiting for it's time. After five years, I really think Johnny could use a break of me writing gay porn about him and himself...and occasionally other people, but mostly himself. A nice time of rest before Lone Ranger hits theaters this July will be good for me, and it will keep me preoccupied from over obsessing with Bilbo and the gang until Desolation of Smaug comes out in theaters this December. (squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!)
So that's been my life for the last eight months. Fascinating, eh?
Here's pics of the kiddos: