lessons learned, bridges burned to the ground

[proxysearch]

Who: proxysearch and mentis_reae
When: Monday, January 16th, early evening.
Where: Re-l's apartment.
Summary: Finally sitting down and talking about everything they've been avoiding.
Warnings: None.

Comments

[proxysearch]

"Sleeping?" She raised an eyebrow. Her tone was slightly teasing, despite the tense situation. "You should have just come --" Home, she wanted to say. She swallowed the word. "...here. It probably would have been at least slightly more comfortable." Hypocritical, but true. She watched him a moment with the cat, giving a faint smile at the two of them. At least he was getting lots of attention these days as the proud father of four kittens. Lucky bastard.

Re-l glanced back to the TV a moment, reaching over to grab the remote and mute it. She could keep an eye on the ticker at the bottom, but Newcomer news was always at the end as it was. It would never be important enough. "One Newcomer is dead and they've found one other body. There have been numerous injuries but none of them particularly life-threatening, thankfully. That, or if they were sustained, they were healed fairly quickly."

She turned back to him. "It could have been a hell of a lot worse. The response time of the Newcomer community as a whole was pretty astounding." Which brought her to her next point. "You saved him, didn't you?"

[mentis_reae]

At once, Edgeworth felt an illness in the pit of his stomach, a dryness in his mouth. It wasn't just the fact that she knew that he'd been responsible - "been to thank, Miles," not "responsible"; the saving of any life is for the better - for that one life preserved, but the fact that she knew that it was him. A man so vital to Edgeworth that he didn't even need to be referred to by name...

But maybe - He seized onto the hope. Maybe she thought it was someone else. Edgeworth had saved no other lives that day, but maybe news reports had gotten confused. Maybe she thought that he'd saved Sam, or Sirius, or someone likewise so important to the both of them that he could be just "him." Yes - that was a distinct possibility...

"Whom?" he asked, looking away from her, hanging his coat up, and he hoped beyond hope that the name that fell from her lips would be one he could scoff at.

[proxysearch]

His hesitation was all of the confirmation she needed. He hadn't once stopped to look at her, avoiding every part of her so he wouldn't have to face the truth. Maybe he was just uncomfortable being put on the spot. She knew Miles Edgeworth, though, and he never once avoided these things. But then...this was a man who had tried to send him away forever.

She folded her arms across her chest. "Manfred von Karma." She didn't know if the anger welling up in her stomach was because of the man whose name she had just spoken or because Edgeworth himself was attempting to avoid this line of questioning.

[mentis_reae]

Why had he even bothered to hope that she wouldn't find out? The connection was obvious enough, made clear by the name, and also the manner, and also the man's attitude, and his own, and their courtroom tactics, and even by that damned foolish cravat that hung about his neck that once he'd tied there in imitation of his mentor. And Re-l...She was no fool. Indeed, quite the opposite. Why had he ever hoped that she might overlook this?

Because you hate it when she thinks you're weak. Which was a reason, perhaps, but not an excuse. Because if anyone should have known about him - known to stay away from him...But that was the other side of it, wasn't it? She wouldn't stay away. But...But she needed to know, now. She...needed to know more. He needed to confess his guilt before her.

"No." The word came out harsh, and it felt pulled, rather than propelled, from his throat. "No. I didn't save him. I...tried to kill him."

[proxysearch]

That wasn't the answer she expected and it showed almost immediately. The mask of simple indifference was immediately broken and she looked surprised, though a knot settled in her stomach at the very idea of him killing someone. She almost started to speak, instead deciding against it for the moment.

No. She wasn't going to yell. She wasn't going to get upset. He said he tried. That, in itself, is a horrible thought...but he has to have an explanation and he's going to have to clarify what he means by it anyway.

Recovering, she lifted a hand and gestured to the couch beside her. "Sit." He wasn't going to manage to avoid the conversation now.

[mentis_reae]

He couldn't meet her eyes, but he watched that hand as it gestured and took the seat indicated. Ergo followed him as he slumped into it, jumping up onto the couch, and for a moment he was deeply grateful; with Re-l to his left and that cat to his right, he felt slightly less...remote. Slightly less like he was standing deep in the center of a void.

He took in a breath and tried to find the correct words. He couldn't find them. Instead, all he managed was a thin but polite, "If it's not...too much trouble, might I beg a glass of water?"

He sounded completely pathetic. Utterly pathetic. But how could he confess to her?

[proxysearch]

He still wouldn't look right at her. That was the part that both angered and upset her, made her feel like he really had done something wrong. Months ago, he had confessed to something else, and even then...it hadn't been like this. It only made her more anxious than anything else and she decided to stay with that emotion instead of the frustration that threatened to bubble over. She didn't want to be angry with him.

After a moment, she nodded, standing and crossing into the kitchen. "You don't need to phrase it like that, you know." As though he was in an interrogation room with her. She filled the kettle she had up with water and set it on the stove before she got him what he wanted.

She returned to him and gave him his glass before she sat, letting him think on what he wanted to say first. She wasn't going to press him for questions just yet.

[mentis_reae]

He took it and drank several small sips before setting it aside. The time afforded by her absence, unfortunately, had not really helped him find the words that he needed to say. It was simply that...What did he want from her? Did he want condemnation and hatred? Did he want her to arrest him on the spot for attempted murder, as was right and meet in the law? Or - God - did he want her to take him in her arms and tell him that it would be all right, that he was all right, that she believed in him and loved him...

He felt a sudden surge of emotion and pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose to hide the wetness in his eyes.

"I...Right. Yes." He took in a breath. "Do you...know how my powers work?"

[proxysearch]

Perhaps she should have asked what had happened back home sooner. Maybe she should have had him tell her everything that first day so she knew if something had really been amiss. He'd been so focused on getting his head back into the game that she never stopped to question or think that maybe, just maybe, he had been avoiding something. Larry hadn't told her when von Karma had tried to send him to prison, only that he did. She should have asked him sooner.

She kept herself as neutral as she could, fully knowing that her introduction to Manfred von Karma and her conversation with Larry, not discounting her history with Miles Edgeworth himself, had already heavily skewed her opinion on the situation. And so she simply nodded at his question. "You told me that it was something like bringing order to chaos. Fixing things."

[mentis_reae]

"Yes."

He tried to order his thoughts. He tried to imagine that he was a witness, giving testimony, but that just made him recall the two times he'd taken the stand, both because of this man, once as a child and once as an adult - as an adult, or near enough...That wasn't working. So he tried to remember Armando's words instead - to smile even when you were beaten, even when you felt as though everything was beyond repair.

Armando, you're absurd.

"Putting things in their proper order." He nodded. "That...was the problem." He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I had entered the building, seeing to reinforce the structure from the inside while searching for survivors. I found the stairway partially collapsed but still sufficiently intact to support my weight. I scaled the stairs and came upon Manfred von Karma there, trapped beneath rubble and possibly mortally wounded."

And then I thought about leaving him there. He opened his mouth to explain that guilt, but he had to stop and take a drink of water instead, trying to tamp down his nausea. Finally, he managed, "I considered leaving him and moving on. I...Sign enough that I should not have...I don't - In any case...Yes."

[proxysearch]

So he didn't actually lift a finger to kill him. He simply considered it. She almost wanted to laugh at how she had worried that he might have threatened von Karma, or that he might have done something... But no, he simply weighed his options and entertained the notion of leaving him behind. Edgeworth might have found his behavior appalling but she did not.

She shook her head to try and cut the tension. "What you did was hesitate. It's something anyone would do in your position." She frowned. "Do you think that if it was the Joker or Roman Sionis that anyone else might have thought to jump to their aid? Most people I know would leave them to die." She reached over and put her hand on his. "What he did to you back home was..." Immoral. Deplorable. Vile. "...cruel. Even though you are a lawyer, even though you're a man of the law, you are also human. In a time of crisis, you hesitated. And then you made the decision to help him."

That was something she was proud of. He pushed past his anger and any thought he had of revenge and still helped someone who had hurt him. "You proved yourself to be the better person. And even if you don't believe that, I can tell you that it's true." She frowned further. "Don't persecute yourself because of it."

[mentis_reae]

But he only pulled his hand back, feeling deeply unworthy of her touch. God, he wanted her to absolve him of this. He wanted to hear those kindly words, strictly instructing him not to be so harsh on himself - but he didn't deserve them.

"No. That's not all." He pressed the hand he'd pulled away from her to his face. "If that were all, it would be bad enough, but...No. Another individual came upon the scene and moved the debris. I attempted to utilize my power to heal him, but it..." He took in a breath, trying to steady himself. "It went...wrong."

He tried to remember that moment. "It...When I heal, I have to think about what things should be. This bone should be whole; therefore, it becomes whole. This vein should be untorn, and so it becomes complete once more. When I tried to heal him, though, I simply...I could not stop thinking about how he should not be here. How the court had passed a sentence of death, and how that was right and meet - how it wasn't - fair that he was here when so many others were not..." He pressed his hand against his eyes.

"I - believe I made his heart stop."

[proxysearch]

At first, she believed his stubborn insistence that she was wrong came merely from the notion that he deserved to be punished for his dislike of von Karma and nothing more. And she was fully prepared to talk him back down, to make him understand that he didn't do anything criminal. But then...

It went...wrong.

She can't hide the shock that washes over her face, but it has less to do with what he had done and more from the very concept that he could have done something wrong without meaning to. While his powers were probably difficult to master, and indeed, they must have been, something as simple as "chaos into order" seemed unlikely to be faulty. Still, as he explained, she realized that it was easily a power that he could lose control over.

Re-l brought her emotions under control to ask: "But he's still alive, isn't he? You fixed it anyway, right?"

[mentis_reae]

"The paramedics did. He's in the hospital now, quite the worse for wear for my efforts to help." He couldn't look at her. "I couldn't undo it. Once it had been done. Once I convinced myself that a heart not beating was more right and true than..." He couldn't finish the sentence, choking out a rough, odd noise that contained an emotion that was part guilt and part despair and part loathing. He had to take a moment to steady his breathing, swallowing hard, wanting to look at her face but afraid to do so.

Please despise me for this, Ms. Mayer. Please.

"Life is chaotic, after all." He swallowed and leaned back against the couch, his eyes still pressed shut. "It seems my power can correct for that. And it seemed that I tried to."

[proxysearch]

But she didn't despise him. How could she? Even if he wanted von Karma to die, even if he wanted him to disappear or to suffer painfully through his death once more...he couldn't bring himself to do it. He couldn't do it on his own terms, as he didn't leave von Karma to die in the rubble. What had happened was a mistake. That was all it was. The evidence was here in his guilt and in his distress. He still couldn't look at her.

Re-l stood so she could place one knee on the couch and she took him by the shoulders to get his attention. And once she had that, she lifted one hand to his face to keep his focus on her. "Life is chaotic. You're right. But you didn't intend to kill him, as much as you might have wanted him to pay for all of the things he's done to you and to your father. And yes, he does deserve all of those things. But that does not mean that you intended to kill him. In your heart of hearts, Miles Edgeworth, you did not want him to die there. You wouldn't react this way if you didn't feel guilty."

God. Please don't cry. You are one of the strongest men I know. She squeezed his shoulder gently. "What happened was an accident. You didn't know that it would happen. You tried to help him and no one can fault you for that." Did he even know that his powers would respond like that? "It wasn't your fault. You didn't mean to do it. I know you didn't mean to do it."

[mentis_reae]

"I..." It would have been so much easier if she hated him for what he did. God, it would have been better if she had arrested him, then and there, so that he could pay his penance to society for his foul and cowardly and malicious act. Instead, she was touching him and speaking to him softly, assuring him that he wasn't guilty and wasn't to blame...

"I just wanted him to go away. I just wanted..." He shook his head and reached out and gripped her shoulder tightly and finally lifted his eyes to hers. There was without question dampness in his eyes, and fear, and unhappiness, and sorrow, but he was nevertheless searching her face, hopeful that she truly meant what she said. Finally, his gaze dropped away, and he asked quietly, "What do you know about...all of that?" He swallowed. "And - who told you?"