emotional availibility
this has been bugging me for a week, so you all get to hear about it...
as a speechcom major, most of the research i did dealt with interpersonal communications within different settings and situations, with example being the workplace, or small groups, but far and away, the most importance was placed on one-on-one interaction, more often than not, within dating partners. the BIG research i have done for this stuff focuses on two very basic topics: trust and avoidance/apprehension.
trust in dating relationships, hell, any relationship really, centers around openness, reciprocation, intimacy, and consistancy. this is pretty straightforward, it certainly wasn't anything i hadn't heard before - but you'd be amazed at the sheer amount of people who just expect people to trust them unconditionally without giving anything back. trust is give and take - one person will say something, the other person will say something back. rapport will be built, intimacy will grow, and the couple will start sharing the more important stuff, and voila! - trust in a dating relationship.
communication apprehension, is generally a direct result of being burned in the past, and "not wanting to ruin a good thing" (sound familiar?). there's usually a much larger concept at work behind the notion of not wanting to bring up a potentially touchy subject, and that notion is known as "the chilling effect." yes, the name is super lame, but here's how this works: someone thinks their boy/girlfriend is going to leave him or her, and refuses to bring up subjects that would CAUSE the boy/girlfriend to leave. the whole thing is based on perceived power differences and holding stuff back to avoid a fight or a breakup.
how do i know so much? i wrote some big huge research papers on them while i was in school. they were zero percent fun to write at the time, but looking back on them, i wrote some pretty good shit. yay team. and, if you're feeling curious as to these particular topics as they relate to relationship dynamics (because let's face it, they've both applied to all of us at some point or another), i've uploaded both of these papers for your downloading and reading enjoyment.
they can be found here:
The Chilling Effect as it Relates to Communication Apprehension
Trust in Dating Relationships
now, i've titled this entry "emotional availibility" and then spent a few paragraphs talking about relational theory and research papers and so on and so forth and how the fuck does this have to do with anything? i'm going to bitch about the emotional availibility of boys and cite my own papers to back myself up. awesome!
i've dealt with...quite a few boys in my life. some have been old souls. some have been poorly-disguised hippies. some have been all into politics. some have been gym-rats/athletes. and a very select few have been normal and sane and wonderful and amazing and raised right and this whole other host of adjectives, and i have been completely and utterly smitten.
a big chunk of time, towards the latter half of my college career was spent with a particular individual who: was in a frat, spent entirely too much time at the gym, was a bit of an asshole, could get women at the snap of a finger, and was a veritable sex machine. he was an awesome, awesome guy (still is), but to hear a description like that, someone would instantly peg him as being shallow, lame, and not worth any smart girl's time. and that someone would be wrong wrong wrong. this boy is man enough to tell me what he's thinking and what he's feeling about things. he can tell me that he misses me. he can tell me when he's insecure. he'll tell me my good points, and phrase my bad points in such a way that it's okay to hear them. he is emotionally available and it is fucking awesome.
but what about boys who aren't as emotionally available? maybe they just "aren't that into me" - after all, if they wanted me to know what was going on in their minds, or what they was feeling about something (me), they would have told me - right? maybe they're just late bloomers (i hate that term, but it fits), maybe they need lots and lots and lots of time to develop a strong friendship before they segue into intimacy. maybe they're just not that interested. who knows?
and it's interesting, this concept of emotional availibility, especially when juxtaposed with the concepts i mentioned earlier. as far as trust is concerned, a certain level of, well, trust must exist in order for another person to open up. now a particular boy i know, is aware of a few details about my life. one such detail is one of a medical sense, and another is more of an embarrassing personal story. i wouldn't have shared these stories if i didn't trust the boy, or if i wasn't trying to build trust in the boy. in terms of the research, here's how it all comes together:"It seems an obvious conclusion, that trust is based on quid pro quo exchanges; one person will disclose something about himself, the partner will reveal something about herself, and so it continues. It would make sense that one would not reveal certain details unless he or she felt comfortable doing so, and in order for that comfort zone to exist, a certain level of trust must exist as well.
An intimate relationship cannot exist if the participants refuse to reveal parts of themselves. Self-disclosure encourages love, liking, caring, trust, and understanding. The level of intimacy reached within a given relationship seems to depend on the kind of information disclosed (Hook, 2003).
The idea of disclosing certain information being associated with comfort and trust is also applicable in sexual self-disclosure: “…individuals self-disclose more about their sexual likes and dislikes when there is a high level of self disclosure about other topics in the relationship, and when they perceive their partner to self-disclose his or her sexual likes and dislikes” (Byers, 1999). If one is trusted with a certain amount of information by their romantic partner, he or she is likely to reciprocate that kind of self disclosure, and share information of a similar nature or importance. This sharing of information leads to the cultivation of trust in any interpersonal relationship." from Trust
so - reciprocation leads to trust, which leads to more reciprocation, and intimacy and good times. but what i have to work with here, is a complete lack of reciprocation. i can talk my damn head off about personal topics, but unless he throws something similar back at me, i just feel like i'm wasting my time. however:"A solid relationship must exist with disclosures that are both positive and negative, so that partners may learn and grow from their experiences as well as their disagreements. Withholding grievances or negative issues may be due in part to a fear of confrontation, but it also prevents the relationship from progressing." from Chilling Effect
here's essentially what happens if i don't bring this up. if i don't say "hey, here is my problem" then things don't progress, and we're trapped in a totally superficial "relationship". however, it seems like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place in situations like this. i'm too chickenshit to ask them to really communicate, because i don't want things to be awkward, and i don't want to fuck things up by creating a problem. but by not saying anything, i'm risking everything.
i'm trying to build trust, by giving boys an "in" as far as my personal life and thoughts and so on, expecting them to give back in an equal fashion - but i feel like i'm talking to a wall. and by not saying "i feel like i'm talking to a wall" i'm giving boys all this dependence power (the definition is in the paper). boys, reciprocate. let me in, i won't bite unless you want me to.
as a speechcom major, most of the research i did dealt with interpersonal communications within different settings and situations, with example being the workplace, or small groups, but far and away, the most importance was placed on one-on-one interaction, more often than not, within dating partners. the BIG research i have done for this stuff focuses on two very basic topics: trust and avoidance/apprehension.
trust in dating relationships, hell, any relationship really, centers around openness, reciprocation, intimacy, and consistancy. this is pretty straightforward, it certainly wasn't anything i hadn't heard before - but you'd be amazed at the sheer amount of people who just expect people to trust them unconditionally without giving anything back. trust is give and take - one person will say something, the other person will say something back. rapport will be built, intimacy will grow, and the couple will start sharing the more important stuff, and voila! - trust in a dating relationship.
communication apprehension, is generally a direct result of being burned in the past, and "not wanting to ruin a good thing" (sound familiar?). there's usually a much larger concept at work behind the notion of not wanting to bring up a potentially touchy subject, and that notion is known as "the chilling effect." yes, the name is super lame, but here's how this works: someone thinks their boy/girlfriend is going to leave him or her, and refuses to bring up subjects that would CAUSE the boy/girlfriend to leave. the whole thing is based on perceived power differences and holding stuff back to avoid a fight or a breakup.
how do i know so much? i wrote some big huge research papers on them while i was in school. they were zero percent fun to write at the time, but looking back on them, i wrote some pretty good shit. yay team. and, if you're feeling curious as to these particular topics as they relate to relationship dynamics (because let's face it, they've both applied to all of us at some point or another), i've uploaded both of these papers for your downloading and reading enjoyment.
they can be found here:
The Chilling Effect as it Relates to Communication Apprehension
Trust in Dating Relationships
now, i've titled this entry "emotional availibility" and then spent a few paragraphs talking about relational theory and research papers and so on and so forth and how the fuck does this have to do with anything? i'm going to bitch about the emotional availibility of boys and cite my own papers to back myself up. awesome!
i've dealt with...quite a few boys in my life. some have been old souls. some have been poorly-disguised hippies. some have been all into politics. some have been gym-rats/athletes. and a very select few have been normal and sane and wonderful and amazing and raised right and this whole other host of adjectives, and i have been completely and utterly smitten.
a big chunk of time, towards the latter half of my college career was spent with a particular individual who: was in a frat, spent entirely too much time at the gym, was a bit of an asshole, could get women at the snap of a finger, and was a veritable sex machine. he was an awesome, awesome guy (still is), but to hear a description like that, someone would instantly peg him as being shallow, lame, and not worth any smart girl's time. and that someone would be wrong wrong wrong. this boy is man enough to tell me what he's thinking and what he's feeling about things. he can tell me that he misses me. he can tell me when he's insecure. he'll tell me my good points, and phrase my bad points in such a way that it's okay to hear them. he is emotionally available and it is fucking awesome.
but what about boys who aren't as emotionally available? maybe they just "aren't that into me" - after all, if they wanted me to know what was going on in their minds, or what they was feeling about something (me), they would have told me - right? maybe they're just late bloomers (i hate that term, but it fits), maybe they need lots and lots and lots of time to develop a strong friendship before they segue into intimacy. maybe they're just not that interested. who knows?
and it's interesting, this concept of emotional availibility, especially when juxtaposed with the concepts i mentioned earlier. as far as trust is concerned, a certain level of, well, trust must exist in order for another person to open up. now a particular boy i know, is aware of a few details about my life. one such detail is one of a medical sense, and another is more of an embarrassing personal story. i wouldn't have shared these stories if i didn't trust the boy, or if i wasn't trying to build trust in the boy. in terms of the research, here's how it all comes together:"It seems an obvious conclusion, that trust is based on quid pro quo exchanges; one person will disclose something about himself, the partner will reveal something about herself, and so it continues. It would make sense that one would not reveal certain details unless he or she felt comfortable doing so, and in order for that comfort zone to exist, a certain level of trust must exist as well.
An intimate relationship cannot exist if the participants refuse to reveal parts of themselves. Self-disclosure encourages love, liking, caring, trust, and understanding. The level of intimacy reached within a given relationship seems to depend on the kind of information disclosed (Hook, 2003).
The idea of disclosing certain information being associated with comfort and trust is also applicable in sexual self-disclosure: “…individuals self-disclose more about their sexual likes and dislikes when there is a high level of self disclosure about other topics in the relationship, and when they perceive their partner to self-disclose his or her sexual likes and dislikes” (Byers, 1999). If one is trusted with a certain amount of information by their romantic partner, he or she is likely to reciprocate that kind of self disclosure, and share information of a similar nature or importance. This sharing of information leads to the cultivation of trust in any interpersonal relationship." from Trust
so - reciprocation leads to trust, which leads to more reciprocation, and intimacy and good times. but what i have to work with here, is a complete lack of reciprocation. i can talk my damn head off about personal topics, but unless he throws something similar back at me, i just feel like i'm wasting my time. however:"A solid relationship must exist with disclosures that are both positive and negative, so that partners may learn and grow from their experiences as well as their disagreements. Withholding grievances or negative issues may be due in part to a fear of confrontation, but it also prevents the relationship from progressing." from Chilling Effect
here's essentially what happens if i don't bring this up. if i don't say "hey, here is my problem" then things don't progress, and we're trapped in a totally superficial "relationship". however, it seems like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place in situations like this. i'm too chickenshit to ask them to really communicate, because i don't want things to be awkward, and i don't want to fuck things up by creating a problem. but by not saying anything, i'm risking everything.
i'm trying to build trust, by giving boys an "in" as far as my personal life and thoughts and so on, expecting them to give back in an equal fashion - but i feel like i'm talking to a wall. and by not saying "i feel like i'm talking to a wall" i'm giving boys all this dependence power (the definition is in the paper). boys, reciprocate. let me in, i won't bite unless you want me to.