HOLY CRAPPING HELL I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM YOU IN FOREVER!
and. i do this exact thing: "I will take loads of abuse and forgive, come back for more, and blame myself for the entire situation by tearing away at myself wondering what I could have done differently to avoid disaster." the exact. same. thing. buh. where did my self esteem go?
i think i would've freaked out if i had been sober, but i would've have drawn the same conclusions, and i wouldn't have written about it. instead i would've posted some angsty away message and whined a lot and been really bitchy and irrational for the next day or two. in a strange and twisted kind of way, the booze helps me to get the most extreme emotions out of my system. were i sober, i'd pout around and wallow in self-pity for a while, with booze, i get hyperemotional, cry and cry and draw wild conclusions, and the next day when i look at it, i think, "jeez, that was dumb. but i can see where i was coming from, but i can also see that i was wrong." so there's a give and take element.
not so good, I guess. for the past year or so I've been compelled by some foolish impulse to change the world. I don't know how to do it, I'm pretty sure it's impossible, and it would mean giving up a lot of things that make a life complete...but nothing else seems to be "good enough" for me to pursue. I worry that it's a sign that I'm nuts. I dunno...maybe it'll pass in time, but it keeps me up at night and consumes my attention. I suppose this is signaling my becoming even weirder than before. I'm an English Lit major, I'm sure that helps keep me normal. some things haven't changed though: I still hate driving, don't know what to do with my life, haven't had a girlfriend or booze, bug people with my complaints and go into too much detail, and develop hopelessly unrealistic crushes. I'm more depressed, though...that doesn't help.
and. i do this exact thing: "I will take loads of abuse and forgive, come back for more, and blame myself for the entire situation by tearing away at myself wondering what I could have done differently to avoid disaster."
the exact. same. thing.
buh. where did my self esteem go?
i think i would've freaked out if i had been sober, but i would've have drawn the same conclusions, and i wouldn't have written about it. instead i would've posted some angsty away message and whined a lot and been really bitchy and irrational for the next day or two. in a strange and twisted kind of way, the booze helps me to get the most extreme emotions out of my system. were i sober, i'd pout around and wallow in self-pity for a while, with booze, i get hyperemotional, cry and cry and draw wild conclusions, and the next day when i look at it, i think, "jeez, that was dumb. but i can see where i was coming from, but i can also see that i was wrong." so there's a give and take element.
HOW THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN????
Reply
I suppose this is signaling my becoming even weirder than before. I'm an English Lit major, I'm sure that helps keep me normal. some things haven't changed though: I still hate driving, don't know what to do with my life, haven't had a girlfriend or booze, bug people with my complaints and go into too much detail, and develop hopelessly unrealistic crushes. I'm more depressed, though...that doesn't help.
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment