It hurts
Man, i hate to bitch and moan but i've had a lot on my mind, and usually it just kinda sinks into the back of my mind but today (and well the past week or so on and off) has just been bothering the fuck out of me. I swear, i know im smart and i at least have good idea of what im doing at school, but when i keep getting bitched at told that im never going to amount to anything, i get sick of it. Look, i've always had a good idea that i was pry never going to amount to anything and that has always been a core problem mentally in my life (i only mention it briefly seeing as how if i hover on it i'll get furtherly depressed and withdrawl-y) but when im in school and my teachers look to me and make me feel like i have nothing to offer, what am i to do? Try and prove them otherwise? I might as well try proving how cool i am to a bunch of wise ass 6th graders. Of course that coupled with the letter i recieved last night from my grandparents stating very deeply and sincerely how much they love me and how they dont have much time left on the earth so they gave me $1000 that they were saving til i turned 22. The letter was intensely emotional for me and on many levels i never thought i could experience. One seeing as how the mortality of the people i hardly ever got to see and never really spent much time on the idea that they were going to die finally struck me instantly, and in the letter it reminded me of how much they loved Jesus and God. I mean, i always knew they were christian and all that, but when they wrote me, it astounded me how much they relied on Him and how they just want me to grow up right in His eyes. I really dont know what came over me but i broke down just reading it. I dont know what im going to do with the money, i know im going to put it in the bank but i would feel weird spending it on anything that didnt fit what they said. Of course, all that coupled with the lack of sleep i've been getting lately seeing as how the school and the home crap has been getting to me and sleep is a luxary now. I hate to sound cheesey but Brittney is the only thing that makes me happy. When Brittney is happy, im happy. And of course i fucked that up today seeing as how i honestly didnt want to let her go just because once i let her go i have to go back to the empty house and my parents coming home to bullshit on and around me somemore while i have to write an assignment due thursday for english and at least some sort of letter back to my grandparents even though i have no idea what i would say. Anyhow, so i made Brittney late for ironically her doctors appointment (which i couldnt feel shittier about just because i really wanted her to go in the first place to get her ears checked out because i fuckin worry my balls off about her) so now shes in deep shit and her mom is pissed and its all my fault for my pathetic personal excuses. Fuck, i feel so bad. To tell you the truth im not even sure if im going to post this, seeing as how there really is only one person who reads this and i feel retarded pretty much telling her all of this in the third person. But i feel stupid telling anyone with a face about my shit because you know what happens? No one cares. No one. I just get mocked for having feelings like i always do and i have to go back in line. Everytime. Shit, sorry. Anyway, This has been in my head and i have no where else to put it anymore. I showed a bit of it to Brittney today when she kinda frustrated me and i felt so bad because i dont want her to see me like that. I've been trying to be good. ah hell.....anyway, i guess i feel better, but i still feel like shit.