Art, parties and Ghosts
Change is on the horizon, lots of stuff for better or worse will be happening at work over the coming months and things are also beginning to change on a personal level with things beginning to open up and hopefully becoming more interesting.
Had a rather heavy and painful chat the other weekend with Loulou and my artwork, although it was ultimately illuminating and shook me out of my malaise. It also reawakened my desires to go back to painting and doing art again which had got lost and submerged though a combination of self consciousness, hedonism, depression and bone idleness. Since then I have been really keyed up and inspired. We went to a new art shop at the back of the Angel, it can’t have been open long and is three stories high. It’s been years since I went into an art supplier to buy materials and I was shocked by how vast the range was and how affordable the prices are. If I can get back into my art everything else will follow and it will open up the world and the opportunities I always wanted. Especially now I have some amazing contacts and know the right people, if I can come up with goods I stand a really good chance of making it. I don’t want to waste any more years living the wrong life and art has been the only constant in my life.
So it was this chat that really woke me up to doing art again, although there was another instance - I didn’t link it at the time but I think also affect me in a small way. We were at a house party in Tottenham a few Fridays ago and it was great, we all had a fabulous time, there was lots of drink and we took some drugs which was just want we needed to let go and have a blow out.
Around five in the morning I was sat in the chill out room just idly pondering, I remember enjoying myself but not quite getting enough out of the reality and the nowness of the situation. The reality was somewhat disappointing. Now there are many different realities, the reality you experience in the day is a lot difference to the reality you experience at night and it’s nothing to do with drink or stimulants. It is misnomer to think that taking substances gives you a false reality or there is a lack of depth to reality; it just gives you a different one or a different angle of the same one.
However in this warm haze thinking about it all I was aware that it just wasn’t hitting the spot and although I was deep in thought and deep in emotions there wasn’t the depth I have experienced outside of that or focused on something ‘worthwhile’ or ‘definite’ (looking back now I mean art, people, or contemplating what happens after life - I am aware this sounds wanky and I didn’t want to use the praise ‘meaning of life’), taking drugs is brilliant and something I will do from time to time as I think it can be health, but ultimately I realised that who I am, I will always need to be focused on something more.
Really I need to switch off; I was there to enjoy myself not to contemplate existence and explore my flaws, I am too much of a hedonist to curtail my quest for fun and excesses but if I was actually doing something more important with my life or was generally operating at a higher level I would have been able to enjoy it for what it was and not realize that I was unfulfilled and used the opportunity for pleasure as one for niggling doubts.
So a combination of the chat with Louise and my thoughts at the party and realising hedonism just isn’t enough, has reignited my desire and passion to go back to my art again. We are currently working on the back room so I can start doing my art in there, it’s quite daunting in a way because I haven’t really done painting since I left uni but I am also excited by it and feeling driven. Getting back into my art will also bring more exciting opportunities and really change everything. Especially as I have some good contacts now, so if my talent holds up I could really have a decent future.
Funnily enough a week or two after this party I was watching a very interesting documentary on the ghosts on the London Underground and all the supernatural things that goes on down there and this was inspiring as well in a way. The supernatural has been the only other constant in my life alongside art (well there is the breast fetish but I really won’t go into that now) Having spent most of my life thinking of existence and meanings and life in general and constantly being in contact with people in these circles. But over the years and being preoccupied with everyday drudgery of work life and not having enough money, well I had sort of half cease to see exactly how exciting, interesting or relevant this field could be.
Anyway I am aware I am starting to digress, so I will just mention a few instances of sightings that stood out for me:
One night after the tube had shut and the night shift were on duty, a member of staff noticed a man on CCTV standing on the deserted platform. They sent someone down to remove him from the station as no member of the public should be in there at all. When he went onto the platform he couldn’t see anyone there it was deserted and the only way out was to walk past him yet no one had done so. He radioed up to the control room that the platform was clear and there was no one there when they radioed back “but he is stood right next to you, we can see you both on the monitor.” when I heard that story a shiver went down my spine, how terrifying would it be being on a dark platform in the middle of the night with no one there but your colleagues tell you on the CCTV screen there is a man standing right next to you!
At Kennington there is a loop that trains stand in at night whilst they wait to pull into the station, sometimes for 15 minutes at a time. It is not accessible to the public however on a couple of occasions when the train is stationary the train crew have heard one of the interconnecting carriage doors opening and then slamming shut, this is followed shortly afterwards by another interconnecting door opening and closing. The driver in the cab realised the sounds were getting nearer and nearer and heading towards him. Apparently someone was killed in the loop whilst trying to gain access to a stationary train some years ago.
At Beaconstree station there is the ghost of a young lady with long blonde hair down her back, she has been seen a few times stood on the platform of traveling up an escalator late at night, however when she turns around she has no face at all.
Passengers on the Northern Line, late at night have reported sitting in a carriage and looking at the reflection in the window opposite have seen in the reflection someone sitting right next to them when the seat is empty.
We are lucky (if that is the right word) in this country that we do have so many ‘ghosts’ (apparently we have more ghosts per square mile than any other country in the world) and unusual phenomena, I wonder why this is. Though this is not the entry to analyse what ‘ghosts’ are or indeed why and how - I can do that another time; it was just a really gripping documentary.
God I can’t believe I have left it so long to update my blog, I do make a rod for my own back really, especially when I say what my next entry will be; then if I am not in the mood or want to go on about something else then I am trapped and it causes a backlog of entries, or I just lose motivation thinking no one reads it. So much I need to write about, for a start I need to start documenting my dreams which are getting very vivid at times; it would be interesting trying to deconstruct them. I am also going to do some friends locked entries to really cut loose on certain subjects which I don’t always feel I can do at the moment. Things are certainly changing though.
Had a rather heavy and painful chat the other weekend with Loulou and my artwork, although it was ultimately illuminating and shook me out of my malaise. It also reawakened my desires to go back to painting and doing art again which had got lost and submerged though a combination of self consciousness, hedonism, depression and bone idleness. Since then I have been really keyed up and inspired. We went to a new art shop at the back of the Angel, it can’t have been open long and is three stories high. It’s been years since I went into an art supplier to buy materials and I was shocked by how vast the range was and how affordable the prices are. If I can get back into my art everything else will follow and it will open up the world and the opportunities I always wanted. Especially now I have some amazing contacts and know the right people, if I can come up with goods I stand a really good chance of making it. I don’t want to waste any more years living the wrong life and art has been the only constant in my life.
So it was this chat that really woke me up to doing art again, although there was another instance - I didn’t link it at the time but I think also affect me in a small way. We were at a house party in Tottenham a few Fridays ago and it was great, we all had a fabulous time, there was lots of drink and we took some drugs which was just want we needed to let go and have a blow out.
Around five in the morning I was sat in the chill out room just idly pondering, I remember enjoying myself but not quite getting enough out of the reality and the nowness of the situation. The reality was somewhat disappointing. Now there are many different realities, the reality you experience in the day is a lot difference to the reality you experience at night and it’s nothing to do with drink or stimulants. It is misnomer to think that taking substances gives you a false reality or there is a lack of depth to reality; it just gives you a different one or a different angle of the same one.
However in this warm haze thinking about it all I was aware that it just wasn’t hitting the spot and although I was deep in thought and deep in emotions there wasn’t the depth I have experienced outside of that or focused on something ‘worthwhile’ or ‘definite’ (looking back now I mean art, people, or contemplating what happens after life - I am aware this sounds wanky and I didn’t want to use the praise ‘meaning of life’), taking drugs is brilliant and something I will do from time to time as I think it can be health, but ultimately I realised that who I am, I will always need to be focused on something more.
Really I need to switch off; I was there to enjoy myself not to contemplate existence and explore my flaws, I am too much of a hedonist to curtail my quest for fun and excesses but if I was actually doing something more important with my life or was generally operating at a higher level I would have been able to enjoy it for what it was and not realize that I was unfulfilled and used the opportunity for pleasure as one for niggling doubts.
So a combination of the chat with Louise and my thoughts at the party and realising hedonism just isn’t enough, has reignited my desire and passion to go back to my art again. We are currently working on the back room so I can start doing my art in there, it’s quite daunting in a way because I haven’t really done painting since I left uni but I am also excited by it and feeling driven. Getting back into my art will also bring more exciting opportunities and really change everything. Especially as I have some good contacts now, so if my talent holds up I could really have a decent future.
Funnily enough a week or two after this party I was watching a very interesting documentary on the ghosts on the London Underground and all the supernatural things that goes on down there and this was inspiring as well in a way. The supernatural has been the only other constant in my life alongside art (well there is the breast fetish but I really won’t go into that now) Having spent most of my life thinking of existence and meanings and life in general and constantly being in contact with people in these circles. But over the years and being preoccupied with everyday drudgery of work life and not having enough money, well I had sort of half cease to see exactly how exciting, interesting or relevant this field could be.
Anyway I am aware I am starting to digress, so I will just mention a few instances of sightings that stood out for me:
One night after the tube had shut and the night shift were on duty, a member of staff noticed a man on CCTV standing on the deserted platform. They sent someone down to remove him from the station as no member of the public should be in there at all. When he went onto the platform he couldn’t see anyone there it was deserted and the only way out was to walk past him yet no one had done so. He radioed up to the control room that the platform was clear and there was no one there when they radioed back “but he is stood right next to you, we can see you both on the monitor.” when I heard that story a shiver went down my spine, how terrifying would it be being on a dark platform in the middle of the night with no one there but your colleagues tell you on the CCTV screen there is a man standing right next to you!
At Kennington there is a loop that trains stand in at night whilst they wait to pull into the station, sometimes for 15 minutes at a time. It is not accessible to the public however on a couple of occasions when the train is stationary the train crew have heard one of the interconnecting carriage doors opening and then slamming shut, this is followed shortly afterwards by another interconnecting door opening and closing. The driver in the cab realised the sounds were getting nearer and nearer and heading towards him. Apparently someone was killed in the loop whilst trying to gain access to a stationary train some years ago.
At Beaconstree station there is the ghost of a young lady with long blonde hair down her back, she has been seen a few times stood on the platform of traveling up an escalator late at night, however when she turns around she has no face at all.
Passengers on the Northern Line, late at night have reported sitting in a carriage and looking at the reflection in the window opposite have seen in the reflection someone sitting right next to them when the seat is empty.
We are lucky (if that is the right word) in this country that we do have so many ‘ghosts’ (apparently we have more ghosts per square mile than any other country in the world) and unusual phenomena, I wonder why this is. Though this is not the entry to analyse what ‘ghosts’ are or indeed why and how - I can do that another time; it was just a really gripping documentary.
God I can’t believe I have left it so long to update my blog, I do make a rod for my own back really, especially when I say what my next entry will be; then if I am not in the mood or want to go on about something else then I am trapped and it causes a backlog of entries, or I just lose motivation thinking no one reads it. So much I need to write about, for a start I need to start documenting my dreams which are getting very vivid at times; it would be interesting trying to deconstruct them. I am also going to do some friends locked entries to really cut loose on certain subjects which I don’t always feel I can do at the moment. Things are certainly changing though.