Still in a funk, but aware of gratitude
Gratitudes:
A very sweet friend called yesterday to check on me and that touched my heart. My son asked me to stretch him last night and that felt good to spend time with him and use my body in a positive way. Managed to eat vegetables for two meals yesterday. Saw my chiropractor and realized how out of whack my body is and received focused, positive attention.
Grumbles:
Okay, so I started to write the gratitudes first, but I am in SUCH a funk that even as I write them, they seem small and insignificant compared to the unhealthy, uncaring, violent behaviors I've been choosing and the raging hoard of mean thoughts storming my poor mental castle. Exhausting.
More gratitudes after writing that last paragraph:
Finally made contact with a woman who would like to give me more help with the clutter clearing. We had a lovely chat yesterday and she tipped me off to The Art of Stree-Free Productivity and an article in AmericanWay from January of this year called "Time Bandits" by Chris Tucker. An interesting quote from David Allen, the author: "Your ability to generate power is directly proportional to your ability to relax." Interesting reading. He advocates doing a massive "mind sweep" to "capture" all the incompletions or open loops.
After I went to the chiropractor, I thought I had time to go to the bookstore because I STILL need to find a good anatomy/physiology book (I found a decent one, but I am still visioning a book with clear overlays of different systems (including the Chinese Meridians!). Haven't found IT yet. I also picked up 3 reference books for my Sexuality final as well as Eat to Live because it comes highly recommended by someone I respect and love.
Grumbles: I keep eating!! Eating crap. Cheap crap. Sugar. Starch. Excess protein. And I notice the breakouts on my skin and the general sluggishness and the disrupted sleep and the malaise and the crushing hopelessness associated with my actions.
Gratidutes: I have many people in my life whose affect is unflaggingly positive and supportive and loving. It's wonderful and frightening. Not sure why it's frightening though.
General: Ate sugary almonds this morning. Now, I'm feeling sleepy and it's only 12:15. On the other hand, I have started the massive mind sweep to list everything I can think of that is unfinished. Oy.
Gratitude: Had the presence of mind and willingness to get out of the house and take a walk this morning.
Grumble: Toward the end of the walk, I was aware of some overwhelming, depressing thoughts and watched the energy in my body ebb and get heavy. The thoughts were the hopeless ones akin to what my mother's messages were when I was growing up which were that it was "too late" for her... and my thoughts were along the lines of "I can't" and "nothing will work" and all the doomsday thoughts that deeply believe that no matter what good stuff I do, no matter how much climbing I engage in, that essentially, I am doomed to slide back down into the pit of my genetics and upbringing. Ugh. Just reading that darkens my mood and adds psychic weight to my body. WTF!?
I feel compelled to end this entry with gratitude. So, I feel grateful for this forum and the ability to write this stuff down and for the possibility that you or someone else out there in LJ land was willing to read this and receive me and my decidedly less-than-flattering thoughts. It really is a blessing to have this shared journal format where we can find out about what is real for each other... and sometimes take the time to write or call or make some connection that lightens the burden... or enhances the joy.
Namaste, Gentle Readers.