Back to our regularly scheduled program...
While the thought of having time off is nice, implementation for me doesn't prove to be as smooth as the fantasy. I am grateful for a few days of no alarm clock to wake me up. However...
However, it is abundantly, a-fucking-BUNdantly clear that sleeping in is NOT the answer to my sleep deprivation issues. Going to sleep EARLIER is what I need. Let's face it, no matter how much I try and convince myself or train myself otherwise, my body is a morning body. Bottom line, I feel happier, calmer, more centered in the early morning hours and if I sleep through them, my experience is a physical sense of lethargy, a sort of light fog that hovers about me the rest of the day. They say in program that self-knowledge avails us nothing. So, big whoop about the KNOWING. The power and magic is in the ACTION. More power and more magic manifests upon repeated, committed action. So, what am I willing to DO about this revelation? Am I willing to commit to going to sleep by 10 PM tonight? What do I need to do to pull that off?
In other news, my sons returned from their back-east visit in good spirits and with early holiday prezzies from the rellies. Since their step-brother is getting shipped off to Iraq (thanks again Georgie boy...), they did Thanksgiving on Thursday and Christmas on Friday. The visit was short, but sounded like it was sweet. I hope their step-brother takes good care in the war zone and returns home healthy and unscathed.
God, last night I was tortured by compulsive obsessive thoughts of pumpkin pie and hot chocolate. Holy fuck were those thought compelling. I felt so schizophrenic! On one hand, I'm a food addict and have repeated experience and evidence to support that "just a little bit" is not part of my reality when it comes to flour and sugar products. I don't want a slice and a cup... I want a whole tin and multiple cups... and whatever else I can snag in the nasty net of my addictive mind. On the other hand, I know I do NOT want these substances. The first bite, the first taste is usually sort of a rush, then the experience plunges rapidly downhill from there. The rest of the self-stuffing just becomes a futile attempt to recreate the moment of perceived bliss. Mindless, mechanical, driven, insane. And I end up feeling ill, getting heartburn, stuffing myself too full, berating myself mentally, exhausting myself trying to figure out how to undo the mess, hating myself for the out-of-control behavior, hiding, doing whatever to covertly consume other gustatory novelties, returning to the mode of slow, secret, eating-disordered suicide. How attractive is THAT?
So, this morning, it dawns on me that a year ago, I was pregnant and both excited and freaked out. A year and about a month ago, I suddenly was NOT pregnant. And then the procedure to deal with it... Ick. Grief. No wonder I am fucking fixated on winter comfort foods... Anything not to feel the grief because I *should* be over it. Sheesh! Fucking ick.
Subject change again...
One of the best things about yesterday was the dancing. I feel so frustrated and angry that the Mountain View Sweat Your Prayers is coming to a close because one of the instructors is moving. Grrrr! I am trying to get the space for regular informal dance sessions anyway. I need to find out if Lori would be willing to make "guest appearances" to do a Sweat Your Prayers every so often... First things first. I need to secure the space and that means finding out if there are at least 6 folks committed to showing up each week. That would just cover the space rental. More baby steps toward my dance path.
AND, just for today, I have eaten enough pumpkin pie for a few lifetimes. I've consumed enough chocolate (in multiple forms) for several lifetimes. I do not need either of these things today. I have my weighed and measured meals with me. They are healthy, tasty, and prepared with love. I have plenty. I am blessed.
I hope the sun comes out so I can walk this afternoon... My body NEEDS to walk. Daily, dammit.
However, it is abundantly, a-fucking-BUNdantly clear that sleeping in is NOT the answer to my sleep deprivation issues. Going to sleep EARLIER is what I need. Let's face it, no matter how much I try and convince myself or train myself otherwise, my body is a morning body. Bottom line, I feel happier, calmer, more centered in the early morning hours and if I sleep through them, my experience is a physical sense of lethargy, a sort of light fog that hovers about me the rest of the day. They say in program that self-knowledge avails us nothing. So, big whoop about the KNOWING. The power and magic is in the ACTION. More power and more magic manifests upon repeated, committed action. So, what am I willing to DO about this revelation? Am I willing to commit to going to sleep by 10 PM tonight? What do I need to do to pull that off?
In other news, my sons returned from their back-east visit in good spirits and with early holiday prezzies from the rellies. Since their step-brother is getting shipped off to Iraq (thanks again Georgie boy...), they did Thanksgiving on Thursday and Christmas on Friday. The visit was short, but sounded like it was sweet. I hope their step-brother takes good care in the war zone and returns home healthy and unscathed.
God, last night I was tortured by compulsive obsessive thoughts of pumpkin pie and hot chocolate. Holy fuck were those thought compelling. I felt so schizophrenic! On one hand, I'm a food addict and have repeated experience and evidence to support that "just a little bit" is not part of my reality when it comes to flour and sugar products. I don't want a slice and a cup... I want a whole tin and multiple cups... and whatever else I can snag in the nasty net of my addictive mind. On the other hand, I know I do NOT want these substances. The first bite, the first taste is usually sort of a rush, then the experience plunges rapidly downhill from there. The rest of the self-stuffing just becomes a futile attempt to recreate the moment of perceived bliss. Mindless, mechanical, driven, insane. And I end up feeling ill, getting heartburn, stuffing myself too full, berating myself mentally, exhausting myself trying to figure out how to undo the mess, hating myself for the out-of-control behavior, hiding, doing whatever to covertly consume other gustatory novelties, returning to the mode of slow, secret, eating-disordered suicide. How attractive is THAT?
So, this morning, it dawns on me that a year ago, I was pregnant and both excited and freaked out. A year and about a month ago, I suddenly was NOT pregnant. And then the procedure to deal with it... Ick. Grief. No wonder I am fucking fixated on winter comfort foods... Anything not to feel the grief because I *should* be over it. Sheesh! Fucking ick.
Subject change again...
One of the best things about yesterday was the dancing. I feel so frustrated and angry that the Mountain View Sweat Your Prayers is coming to a close because one of the instructors is moving. Grrrr! I am trying to get the space for regular informal dance sessions anyway. I need to find out if Lori would be willing to make "guest appearances" to do a Sweat Your Prayers every so often... First things first. I need to secure the space and that means finding out if there are at least 6 folks committed to showing up each week. That would just cover the space rental. More baby steps toward my dance path.
AND, just for today, I have eaten enough pumpkin pie for a few lifetimes. I've consumed enough chocolate (in multiple forms) for several lifetimes. I do not need either of these things today. I have my weighed and measured meals with me. They are healthy, tasty, and prepared with love. I have plenty. I am blessed.
I hope the sun comes out so I can walk this afternoon... My body NEEDS to walk. Daily, dammit.