(no subject)
"I get all...numb
We're the same numb
And it brings our knees to the earth" - Deftones
If you think of your whole life as one day, what time is it for me? I don't think that can be answered because Its almost impossible to know when you die, which would be considered about Midnight right? But lets say I won't die until im old. Lets say I die around 80. I am 17 right now. So if 80 years was one day, that would mean I have been alive for 4 Hours and about 35 to 45 minutes. That leaves me with 19 and a half hours. If it felt like this after only 4 hours, think what it would feel like after 19 more.
Sometimes, I just wish I can pause. Just like it feels like there’s so much more time, it doesn't really leave a lot of openings to do things that can only be done at a certain time. And a lot of the time there isn't a time that that event will ever come to past.
I wish I could go into an alternate reality, or rather a complete fantasy. It would be much more comfortable if things all happened for a reason. None of this interference of insignificance. Problems wouldn't be if my mom is going to let me go with some friends, or worry if I will get in trouble for coming home late. But problems that were important.
I always have had an alternate fantasy playing in my head since I could remember, up until this very moment. But it sucks because when I come out of it, its rather disappointing. Because in the other world, I am important, you don't have to die to be a hero, I am relied on to be there, and I don't really feel that I need to rely in because betrayal is something that isn't necessary. Evil isn't only grey. Some is black and white. Persuasion to do wrong was much more difficult. Comradery was what your comrades wanted just as much as you. Lies and deceit were for the bad guys, not your friends.
But even as unperfect as my fantasy is with its wars, enemys, trials, and hard times. The constaint change of who's your friend, your worries of getting introuble for being out passed your curfew, all the homework you have to do by a certain date, Having to go to a wedding of someone you don't particuarly like, being asked to baby-sit when its the only day that week you have off, trying to be with the few people you like, but plans falling through or they are busy doing what they want. The everyday worries don't exist in my fantasy world... But as hard as I try, I will always be here. And of course, I make the best with it, and its not like my life sucks or anything either. Its just my fantasy life isn't easy, but having a fight I understand, I problem for a logical reason, knowing why something is wrong and it not being some wierd reason and the way to fix it has a reason. One day I hope to go into that world, and not come out-Fall into a dream, and my reality take place of dreams and my dreams come part of my reality.
March 14th, 2005 -Self Entry-
I dreamed that my life that was real was what I dreamed about, and what I day dreamed, the fantasy's that I live in my head was real. It was one of those few dreams that I pray to God to come true. I wish to get away, but in real life, that place doesn't exist. The feeling of that dream sits in the back of my head, and whenever that memory comes to past, the feeling that I aspire lingers.
-End Entry-
Even to this day, that feeling feels as strong as it did way back then. Yes, the story's have changed, or rather updated, I have added in my alternate world new people, who are much more important, at the same time, many have eventually faded. Some will never fade.
Only if I knew how to convince people to even consider looking my point of view. People mainly care about simple pleasures, sometimes in a higher selfishness then others. Everyone only believes what they see, we put trust in no one, not even ourselves a lot of the time. We put aside trust for a single moment. So many are impatiant to wait for something good, that when any oportunity to do something slightly satisfying arrives, its taken and then the thought "Meh, the consiquences are not going to be too bad." But thats where everythings wrong about that. Each action you do that probably isn't the best, usually weighs down on someone-They add up. Don't get me wrong, Im just as guitly as the next guy. But its difficult to live that way when so many look down on it.
Well There's my thought for today. Sorry to rant on odd subjects. I don't know what else to put right now. I got to get up early anyways. Oh, I forgot I had a drink *Sips the slightly warm hydration drink* Meh, its still good. *Quickly consumes whats left* (which was only a swallow) Now to get a glass of milk and ready myself to bed. Have a good night. Sweet dreams, yes, dream sweetly.
-Ryan-
We're the same numb
And it brings our knees to the earth" - Deftones
If you think of your whole life as one day, what time is it for me? I don't think that can be answered because Its almost impossible to know when you die, which would be considered about Midnight right? But lets say I won't die until im old. Lets say I die around 80. I am 17 right now. So if 80 years was one day, that would mean I have been alive for 4 Hours and about 35 to 45 minutes. That leaves me with 19 and a half hours. If it felt like this after only 4 hours, think what it would feel like after 19 more.
Sometimes, I just wish I can pause. Just like it feels like there’s so much more time, it doesn't really leave a lot of openings to do things that can only be done at a certain time. And a lot of the time there isn't a time that that event will ever come to past.
I wish I could go into an alternate reality, or rather a complete fantasy. It would be much more comfortable if things all happened for a reason. None of this interference of insignificance. Problems wouldn't be if my mom is going to let me go with some friends, or worry if I will get in trouble for coming home late. But problems that were important.
I always have had an alternate fantasy playing in my head since I could remember, up until this very moment. But it sucks because when I come out of it, its rather disappointing. Because in the other world, I am important, you don't have to die to be a hero, I am relied on to be there, and I don't really feel that I need to rely in because betrayal is something that isn't necessary. Evil isn't only grey. Some is black and white. Persuasion to do wrong was much more difficult. Comradery was what your comrades wanted just as much as you. Lies and deceit were for the bad guys, not your friends.
But even as unperfect as my fantasy is with its wars, enemys, trials, and hard times. The constaint change of who's your friend, your worries of getting introuble for being out passed your curfew, all the homework you have to do by a certain date, Having to go to a wedding of someone you don't particuarly like, being asked to baby-sit when its the only day that week you have off, trying to be with the few people you like, but plans falling through or they are busy doing what they want. The everyday worries don't exist in my fantasy world... But as hard as I try, I will always be here. And of course, I make the best with it, and its not like my life sucks or anything either. Its just my fantasy life isn't easy, but having a fight I understand, I problem for a logical reason, knowing why something is wrong and it not being some wierd reason and the way to fix it has a reason. One day I hope to go into that world, and not come out-Fall into a dream, and my reality take place of dreams and my dreams come part of my reality.
March 14th, 2005 -Self Entry-
I dreamed that my life that was real was what I dreamed about, and what I day dreamed, the fantasy's that I live in my head was real. It was one of those few dreams that I pray to God to come true. I wish to get away, but in real life, that place doesn't exist. The feeling of that dream sits in the back of my head, and whenever that memory comes to past, the feeling that I aspire lingers.
-End Entry-
Even to this day, that feeling feels as strong as it did way back then. Yes, the story's have changed, or rather updated, I have added in my alternate world new people, who are much more important, at the same time, many have eventually faded. Some will never fade.
Only if I knew how to convince people to even consider looking my point of view. People mainly care about simple pleasures, sometimes in a higher selfishness then others. Everyone only believes what they see, we put trust in no one, not even ourselves a lot of the time. We put aside trust for a single moment. So many are impatiant to wait for something good, that when any oportunity to do something slightly satisfying arrives, its taken and then the thought "Meh, the consiquences are not going to be too bad." But thats where everythings wrong about that. Each action you do that probably isn't the best, usually weighs down on someone-They add up. Don't get me wrong, Im just as guitly as the next guy. But its difficult to live that way when so many look down on it.
Well There's my thought for today. Sorry to rant on odd subjects. I don't know what else to put right now. I got to get up early anyways. Oh, I forgot I had a drink *Sips the slightly warm hydration drink* Meh, its still good. *Quickly consumes whats left* (which was only a swallow) Now to get a glass of milk and ready myself to bed. Have a good night. Sweet dreams, yes, dream sweetly.
-Ryan-