(no subject)
1 month till I take that BIG test.
I feel the need to write down some thoughts.
Studying is going pretty well. I'm on target so far. It's only the third day so I'm not feeling tired or anything. In a way, it's kind of enjoyable. I'm picking up on stuff that I really never did before. It's coming back a lot faster and the details are sinking in better. I guess repetition is the key. I honored Pharmacology which was a nice unexpected surprise. The averages were always so high that I figured it would be very difficult to get a good grade in the class.
Amidst the talk about marriage, dealing with past lovers and trying to understand current situations in life, I find my thoughts wavering a lot. Maybe it's the hormonal imbalances of the monthly flow, but generally in the past two weeks I've noticed how I've changed my mind several times about decisions that I thought I had already made.
For example, the thought - I am ready for marriage- which about a month ago seemed solid in my mind, just feels weird now. Some days I guess I handle it better than others but sometimes I think I'm psychotic.
Maybe, I'm just ready for a serious relationship again. Maybe. Other times, it's so easy for me to slip into someone's arms for a carefree evening and night of uninhibited fun. Is it possible to reconcile those two desires? Is it alright to be with someone for fun when you're searching for something deeper? Would you transfer your desire for something more seroius to that person and get hurt in the end?
My answer to those questions are : no, no, and yes.
But others seem to disagree. One of my friends suggests that marriage will take away this freedom of being single and I'll regret not having more fun.
Of course, it's always difficult for me to be sexually involved with someone without getting all my feelings involved which is also another reason I can't just do it for fun- no strings attached.
Also, one of my friends last weekend, while being extraordinarily smashed, said something very crude to me and suggested some very inappropriate things. I felt hurt and also felt angry that he viewed me solely as a sexual object and not as a real person.
I got over it. Purely for the fact that he was disgustingly wasted and even though he called several times to just "talk" but not really apologize, that's his personality and I can't hold on to my anger over his immature behavior. I'm not sure if that's condoning his behavior or not but this is how I felt best to deal with it. I must say though, there were several times in the past few days (PMS almighty) that I wanted to tell him how upset I was and lash out for his behavior.
All gone.
Sigh. Life is hard. Life seems harder now when there are so many decisions to make. Don't get me wrong, I love life and am glad to be alive. But it's a little tiring on occasion and sometimes seems so pointless amidst the ups and downs and rocky roads and smooth sailings.
I feel the need to write down some thoughts.
Studying is going pretty well. I'm on target so far. It's only the third day so I'm not feeling tired or anything. In a way, it's kind of enjoyable. I'm picking up on stuff that I really never did before. It's coming back a lot faster and the details are sinking in better. I guess repetition is the key. I honored Pharmacology which was a nice unexpected surprise. The averages were always so high that I figured it would be very difficult to get a good grade in the class.
Amidst the talk about marriage, dealing with past lovers and trying to understand current situations in life, I find my thoughts wavering a lot. Maybe it's the hormonal imbalances of the monthly flow, but generally in the past two weeks I've noticed how I've changed my mind several times about decisions that I thought I had already made.
For example, the thought - I am ready for marriage- which about a month ago seemed solid in my mind, just feels weird now. Some days I guess I handle it better than others but sometimes I think I'm psychotic.
Maybe, I'm just ready for a serious relationship again. Maybe. Other times, it's so easy for me to slip into someone's arms for a carefree evening and night of uninhibited fun. Is it possible to reconcile those two desires? Is it alright to be with someone for fun when you're searching for something deeper? Would you transfer your desire for something more seroius to that person and get hurt in the end?
My answer to those questions are : no, no, and yes.
But others seem to disagree. One of my friends suggests that marriage will take away this freedom of being single and I'll regret not having more fun.
Of course, it's always difficult for me to be sexually involved with someone without getting all my feelings involved which is also another reason I can't just do it for fun- no strings attached.
Also, one of my friends last weekend, while being extraordinarily smashed, said something very crude to me and suggested some very inappropriate things. I felt hurt and also felt angry that he viewed me solely as a sexual object and not as a real person.
I got over it. Purely for the fact that he was disgustingly wasted and even though he called several times to just "talk" but not really apologize, that's his personality and I can't hold on to my anger over his immature behavior. I'm not sure if that's condoning his behavior or not but this is how I felt best to deal with it. I must say though, there were several times in the past few days (PMS almighty) that I wanted to tell him how upset I was and lash out for his behavior.
All gone.
Sigh. Life is hard. Life seems harder now when there are so many decisions to make. Don't get me wrong, I love life and am glad to be alive. But it's a little tiring on occasion and sometimes seems so pointless amidst the ups and downs and rocky roads and smooth sailings.