Perhaps
It occurs to me that perhaps I'm as commitment-phobic 'as the next guy' -- or, to be more precise, as the last guy and the current guy. I'm having some early-morning after-sex mind ramblings about my role in my recent relationships. When something happens once, or even twice, I generally think of it as coincidence. But when it happens many, many times one after another, I start getting an inkling that perhaps I'm more responsible than I thought.
I mean, over and over and over, ever since docorion and I broke up, I date people that don't want commitment, or just want sex, or already have a primary. Who decide to buy a house with me or live with me, then change their minds. It makes me start to wonder whether it's really ME that didn't wanted anything serious. I know how good I am at getting what I want in a relationship, and until now, I've never had much of a problem getting it. And, actually, I'm not convinced that I'm not getting exactly what I want. I have people who share canine care with me, a puppy to help raise. I have guys who I love, guys who love me (whether they admit it or not), guys who help me with my taxes and car repairs and comfort me when my anxieties get the best of me, guys who drive me around and frequently ask me to stay overnight. I even have an empty house with computer access and movies that I can hang out in until guy #2 gets home from work, making me dinner while I finish my lesson plans for the morning, cuddling me while we watch a romantic comedy (that HE picked out), rubbing my pussy while things are getting hot on the screen, making me cum as much as I can stand (and cumming himself over and over!) until we fall asleep, then cuddling until we start getting hot and heavy under the sheets (even talking about BDSM and showing me 'Sex Tips from a Dominatrix' just before dawn. Then he rides his motorcycle off to work, letting me fall back asleep until it's time for me to run off to work. And yet, as incredibly wonderful as all this is, I find myself hesitant to even try to get closer, to even try to make it last for as long as the fun is. Yes, this could be because he's a marine and moving in November. But I haven't even bothered to pay attention to where he's moving. And it could be because he has a 'girlfriend.' But given how often he calls, messages me, asks me to come over, hugs and kisses me in front of her (then she hugs and kisses me :)!), and accompanies me to new places, I suspect that that's not the reason, either. Guy #2 seems as poly as military men come (at least until their sweeties get their little fingers into the mix). Somehow, I'm realizing, there's more to my hesitation that there might at first appear.
I felt incredibly betrayed when docorion decided unilaterally, without informing me until afterward, that he was starting an exceedingly intense new relationship with a long-term friend which would have tremendous ramifications on our relationship and on me -- especially because I intuitively felt that the woman wouldn't respect my relationship with docorion and that her primary relationship was seriously on the rocks. In fact, I'm starting to get a glimpse of the fact that maybe it was really me and my subconscious that decided to end things with docorion. I mean, I know I'm very good at pushing people away, often without even realizing it, certainly without them realizing it. It certainly runs in the family. And I'm remembering more and more times when I started talking with docorion about ending our relationship even before he 'cheated' on me. It was really only after the actual breakup that I started wishing I had done things differently with him. (Sorry, docorion. Sorry, Tigris.)
Maybe I'm even more complicated than I think I am.
...or maybe I just need to go back to sleep...
zzzz
I mean, over and over and over, ever since docorion and I broke up, I date people that don't want commitment, or just want sex, or already have a primary. Who decide to buy a house with me or live with me, then change their minds. It makes me start to wonder whether it's really ME that didn't wanted anything serious. I know how good I am at getting what I want in a relationship, and until now, I've never had much of a problem getting it. And, actually, I'm not convinced that I'm not getting exactly what I want. I have people who share canine care with me, a puppy to help raise. I have guys who I love, guys who love me (whether they admit it or not), guys who help me with my taxes and car repairs and comfort me when my anxieties get the best of me, guys who drive me around and frequently ask me to stay overnight. I even have an empty house with computer access and movies that I can hang out in until guy #2 gets home from work, making me dinner while I finish my lesson plans for the morning, cuddling me while we watch a romantic comedy (that HE picked out), rubbing my pussy while things are getting hot on the screen, making me cum as much as I can stand (and cumming himself over and over!) until we fall asleep, then cuddling until we start getting hot and heavy under the sheets (even talking about BDSM and showing me 'Sex Tips from a Dominatrix' just before dawn. Then he rides his motorcycle off to work, letting me fall back asleep until it's time for me to run off to work. And yet, as incredibly wonderful as all this is, I find myself hesitant to even try to get closer, to even try to make it last for as long as the fun is. Yes, this could be because he's a marine and moving in November. But I haven't even bothered to pay attention to where he's moving. And it could be because he has a 'girlfriend.' But given how often he calls, messages me, asks me to come over, hugs and kisses me in front of her (then she hugs and kisses me :)!), and accompanies me to new places, I suspect that that's not the reason, either. Guy #2 seems as poly as military men come (at least until their sweeties get their little fingers into the mix). Somehow, I'm realizing, there's more to my hesitation that there might at first appear.
I felt incredibly betrayed when docorion decided unilaterally, without informing me until afterward, that he was starting an exceedingly intense new relationship with a long-term friend which would have tremendous ramifications on our relationship and on me -- especially because I intuitively felt that the woman wouldn't respect my relationship with docorion and that her primary relationship was seriously on the rocks. In fact, I'm starting to get a glimpse of the fact that maybe it was really me and my subconscious that decided to end things with docorion. I mean, I know I'm very good at pushing people away, often without even realizing it, certainly without them realizing it. It certainly runs in the family. And I'm remembering more and more times when I started talking with docorion about ending our relationship even before he 'cheated' on me. It was really only after the actual breakup that I started wishing I had done things differently with him. (Sorry, docorion. Sorry, Tigris.)
Maybe I'm even more complicated than I think I am.
...or maybe I just need to go back to sleep...
zzzz