Nothing really bothers her, she just wants to love herself.
The next day and a half is going to be a headache. I am scheduled for a graveyard tonight, and swing tomorrow, giving me a whole 7 hours between shifts. Yes, that is 17 hours of work in a 24-hour period.
The headaches I ward off, by telling myself it's this final push and my weekend will start so much faster.
This weekend, I have 4 days off, because I picked up the last holiday. It's a soothing thought, and I am beside myself thinking about what it's like to sleep when it's dark out.
The hours Andy and I keep are, for some, horrendous. He works a late swing, but usually stays up all night to coincide with my schedule. When the world is alseep and the streets blanketed in darkness, we are wide awake, cruising through the silent roads on our bikes. It is one of the most free feelings ever.
I love the night, for all of it's healing properties. Even when I am off work, I stay up until just before the sun comes up. Going to sleep when there is still darkness is much easier on the psyche. I always find myself so wound up after my shifts - the combination of bright sunlight combined with the bustle of the morning traffic gets my blood pumping. It takes time and rituals to get my anxious body to sleep. It is worse when I am starting a day off. I am so enthralled by the idea of not working, that I exhaust myself before I even get to start it.
Work has simply been a trial of surviving. It's sad - I used to have fun there sometimes. Now everything seems tense and militant, and I feel that having fun or being friendly with coworkers is crossing some invisible line. I almost can't wait for the fake kinship of the holidays to start. Sometimes, I need a break from everything tense, and even if it's just sugar-coated for some time, it's still a little bit of ease. It feels like because we have more stupid office parties, we get more breathing room.
I talked to one of the leads in the department I had applied for - the position is closed, but she said there are a lot of opportunities to work on a swing (work il 1130) or mid-shift (work til 130 a). Either of this would be great for me, so I e-mailed her, explaining that I had a desire to start learning new skill sets and progress in my work. I also explained that I was looking for a particular schedule, and would probably be dead set on part time swing or mid shift. She said if I wanted, I could do a sort of no-pressure pre-interview, where I could talk to all of the leads about the job, their needs, and my needs - before ever having to apply. It's nice to know that I can develop a silent understanding, and, if the opportunity arises, ease into a job without the stress of a real application.
I already like this place.
I am so beside myself with the prospect of this change. I haven't been this excited about my life since I was able to transfer from a job at sears to this job, which paid four dollars more an hour. And I do like my job. I don't mind the work. I also didn't mind the job so much under old management. Now, though, things are too tense. There is no sense of fun or relaxation. It's militant. Miserable, cold, and brutal. I used to worry about making it through the night without adequate sleep. Now I worry about making it through the night without absorbing the negative energy.
I'm also so excited to return to school. I know I have a year to go, and until then, I have to focus on applications, saving money, and keeping up with my reading and writing. But I've been so happy, thinking about what it is like to discuss writing with a diverse group - to gain perspective on not only the literature, but the world. Education has always been a strong passion of mine, and now that I am coming back into myself, I realize that I cannot stand to let it go completely. This past year, being out of school altogether, has sucked a certain amount of joy out of my life. I think the most important tool we have as humans is knowledge. I believe it should be shared. That's why I want to share what I know with the world. I know words (okay, I knew them better once upon a time ago, but I'm getting it back). I know the amazing things books can do. So I go, study them, and later, teach them to community college students.
Ahhhh... such feelings of satisfaction. Of happiness in the thought of pursuing something meaningful to me.
I'm currently reading 'Escape' by Carolyn Jessop. It is about her time in the FLDS church, and her escape. This book is so amazing to me - it opens up a world to me I had barely known existed. The news stories I have read - and continue to read - regarding Warren Jeffs are now so close to me. I don't sit on the outside and wonder. I get a view of it, all of it... the beautiful and the ugly. The struggle between ones only perception of the world and ones inner voice. It is amazing to me that women - who are taught their suffering and oppression are a part of their path to righteousness - still maintain a sense of self. It is phenomenal to read about this woman learn about her true self and move past brainwashing.
Anyway, I am back to bed, for I will probably get about four hours of sleep tomorrow.
Now, I haven't done one of these switches without coffee yet. I have a feeling it's going to be very terrible.
The headaches I ward off, by telling myself it's this final push and my weekend will start so much faster.
This weekend, I have 4 days off, because I picked up the last holiday. It's a soothing thought, and I am beside myself thinking about what it's like to sleep when it's dark out.
The hours Andy and I keep are, for some, horrendous. He works a late swing, but usually stays up all night to coincide with my schedule. When the world is alseep and the streets blanketed in darkness, we are wide awake, cruising through the silent roads on our bikes. It is one of the most free feelings ever.
I love the night, for all of it's healing properties. Even when I am off work, I stay up until just before the sun comes up. Going to sleep when there is still darkness is much easier on the psyche. I always find myself so wound up after my shifts - the combination of bright sunlight combined with the bustle of the morning traffic gets my blood pumping. It takes time and rituals to get my anxious body to sleep. It is worse when I am starting a day off. I am so enthralled by the idea of not working, that I exhaust myself before I even get to start it.
Work has simply been a trial of surviving. It's sad - I used to have fun there sometimes. Now everything seems tense and militant, and I feel that having fun or being friendly with coworkers is crossing some invisible line. I almost can't wait for the fake kinship of the holidays to start. Sometimes, I need a break from everything tense, and even if it's just sugar-coated for some time, it's still a little bit of ease. It feels like because we have more stupid office parties, we get more breathing room.
I talked to one of the leads in the department I had applied for - the position is closed, but she said there are a lot of opportunities to work on a swing (work il 1130) or mid-shift (work til 130 a). Either of this would be great for me, so I e-mailed her, explaining that I had a desire to start learning new skill sets and progress in my work. I also explained that I was looking for a particular schedule, and would probably be dead set on part time swing or mid shift. She said if I wanted, I could do a sort of no-pressure pre-interview, where I could talk to all of the leads about the job, their needs, and my needs - before ever having to apply. It's nice to know that I can develop a silent understanding, and, if the opportunity arises, ease into a job without the stress of a real application.
I already like this place.
I am so beside myself with the prospect of this change. I haven't been this excited about my life since I was able to transfer from a job at sears to this job, which paid four dollars more an hour. And I do like my job. I don't mind the work. I also didn't mind the job so much under old management. Now, though, things are too tense. There is no sense of fun or relaxation. It's militant. Miserable, cold, and brutal. I used to worry about making it through the night without adequate sleep. Now I worry about making it through the night without absorbing the negative energy.
I'm also so excited to return to school. I know I have a year to go, and until then, I have to focus on applications, saving money, and keeping up with my reading and writing. But I've been so happy, thinking about what it is like to discuss writing with a diverse group - to gain perspective on not only the literature, but the world. Education has always been a strong passion of mine, and now that I am coming back into myself, I realize that I cannot stand to let it go completely. This past year, being out of school altogether, has sucked a certain amount of joy out of my life. I think the most important tool we have as humans is knowledge. I believe it should be shared. That's why I want to share what I know with the world. I know words (okay, I knew them better once upon a time ago, but I'm getting it back). I know the amazing things books can do. So I go, study them, and later, teach them to community college students.
Ahhhh... such feelings of satisfaction. Of happiness in the thought of pursuing something meaningful to me.
I'm currently reading 'Escape' by Carolyn Jessop. It is about her time in the FLDS church, and her escape. This book is so amazing to me - it opens up a world to me I had barely known existed. The news stories I have read - and continue to read - regarding Warren Jeffs are now so close to me. I don't sit on the outside and wonder. I get a view of it, all of it... the beautiful and the ugly. The struggle between ones only perception of the world and ones inner voice. It is amazing to me that women - who are taught their suffering and oppression are a part of their path to righteousness - still maintain a sense of self. It is phenomenal to read about this woman learn about her true self and move past brainwashing.
Anyway, I am back to bed, for I will probably get about four hours of sleep tomorrow.
Now, I haven't done one of these switches without coffee yet. I have a feeling it's going to be very terrible.