And on with the suckage...
First off; I'm doing better than I was in my last entry. I've calmed down. Just a bit of a panic attack. I'm better. Not moving until the 5th, but I'm all right. I could KILL for a decent hamburger right now, though.
Anyway, on to the purpose of this post. I decided, during my 'free period' of Netflix, to put a few movies in my queue that I probably wouldn't usually have done... Like Bloodrayne. I like the games; nice, ultra-violence, spiffy-looking set of red-headed polygons in a corset, big swords... good times. I'm not sure if I can finish watching the movie, and I'm only about 25 minutes into it. Let me count the ways that it sucks, so far:
1: Uwe Boll directed it. I'm not sure that this man has EVER directed a movie worth watching. Despite this, he has purchased the rights to every game-based property he could. Thank the dark gods that he never got his hands on the Resident Evil or Silent Hill franchises.
2: He set it in, what appears to be, the mid-to-latter Middle Ages. For those of you who have never played the games, Bloodrayne takes place, IIRC between World Wars, and also IIRC, Rayne isn't all that old by this point. I could be wrong about her age, and perhaps this movie is some sort of attempt at an origin story.
3: Ben Kingsley as the Big Bad! WTF, people? There are so many other actors that would have been better suited for this role, that probably would have worked sheaper than the honorable Mr. Kingsley... Hell, one of them was in this movie. See below.
4: Udo Kier as something OTHER THAN the Big Bad! Udo Kier is one of the better, if not one of the best, 'heavies' of his generation. He would have been excellent as the Big Bad in this movie. He was one of the Noble Vamps in the first Blade film, he was in both Blood for Dracula AND Flesh for Frankenstein, Andy Warhol's segues into the horror genre. This man has 'bad guy' in HUGE letters all over his resume... and he was, if my eyes caught it right, a monk.
5: Generally weak story, overdone acting, even from some, IMO, excellent actors & actresses.
There's a couple of good points, but not necessarily ones that make a good movie. Kristanna Loken looks excellent as Rayne; black and red corsetry looks really good on her. Michelle Rodriguez looks pretty goot in a waist cincher and chemise... And Rayne's wrist-mounted doomy-swords are pretty cool; I wouldn't say no to a pair, historical accuracy be damned. That's about it. Maybe, with some better casting, and a different director, it would be a much better movie; it's hard to go wrong with sexy, red-headed vampires on a Mission of Vengeance, but this bastich seems to manage to fuck it right up.
Maybe this explains why the movie not only went straight to video, but came bundled with the games it was based on, in PC format, at no extra charge. Hell, I may end up buying it for the games, and either only watch the film on 'So bad they're go... no, wait, it's just bad' film nights, or use it like an AOL disk.
EDIT: And since when do Monks get Weapon Proficiency: Longbow?
Anyway, on to the purpose of this post. I decided, during my 'free period' of Netflix, to put a few movies in my queue that I probably wouldn't usually have done... Like Bloodrayne. I like the games; nice, ultra-violence, spiffy-looking set of red-headed polygons in a corset, big swords... good times. I'm not sure if I can finish watching the movie, and I'm only about 25 minutes into it. Let me count the ways that it sucks, so far:
1: Uwe Boll directed it. I'm not sure that this man has EVER directed a movie worth watching. Despite this, he has purchased the rights to every game-based property he could. Thank the dark gods that he never got his hands on the Resident Evil or Silent Hill franchises.
2: He set it in, what appears to be, the mid-to-latter Middle Ages. For those of you who have never played the games, Bloodrayne takes place, IIRC between World Wars, and also IIRC, Rayne isn't all that old by this point. I could be wrong about her age, and perhaps this movie is some sort of attempt at an origin story.
3: Ben Kingsley as the Big Bad! WTF, people? There are so many other actors that would have been better suited for this role, that probably would have worked sheaper than the honorable Mr. Kingsley... Hell, one of them was in this movie. See below.
4: Udo Kier as something OTHER THAN the Big Bad! Udo Kier is one of the better, if not one of the best, 'heavies' of his generation. He would have been excellent as the Big Bad in this movie. He was one of the Noble Vamps in the first Blade film, he was in both Blood for Dracula AND Flesh for Frankenstein, Andy Warhol's segues into the horror genre. This man has 'bad guy' in HUGE letters all over his resume... and he was, if my eyes caught it right, a monk.
5: Generally weak story, overdone acting, even from some, IMO, excellent actors & actresses.
There's a couple of good points, but not necessarily ones that make a good movie. Kristanna Loken looks excellent as Rayne; black and red corsetry looks really good on her. Michelle Rodriguez looks pretty goot in a waist cincher and chemise... And Rayne's wrist-mounted doomy-swords are pretty cool; I wouldn't say no to a pair, historical accuracy be damned. That's about it. Maybe, with some better casting, and a different director, it would be a much better movie; it's hard to go wrong with sexy, red-headed vampires on a Mission of Vengeance, but this bastich seems to manage to fuck it right up.
Maybe this explains why the movie not only went straight to video, but came bundled with the games it was based on, in PC format, at no extra charge. Hell, I may end up buying it for the games, and either only watch the film on 'So bad they're go... no, wait, it's just bad' film nights, or use it like an AOL disk.
EDIT: And since when do Monks get Weapon Proficiency: Longbow?