When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl...
I had a bit of a vacation from my current 'home' life a little bit ago... Round about a week ago, it ended, and I returned here, to oh-so-wonderful (/sarcasm) Sacramento. I had a great time. I got to spend most of a week with some really great people; people who actually, for some insane reason, care about me, and about how I'm doing. Got to spend a good chunk of time talking, getting things off of my chest, and helping one of them do the same, to an extent. It was really good to be around people who actually care. And, on days like today, like the last 3-4 days, I hate that more than I've ever hated anything in my entire life. Because it always ends.
I feel a bit like River Tam, after her brother began treating her; after the neuro-imager. It helps, for a little while. I feel like a person again. The sun comes out. Things make sense. For a while. And then I have to come back here, and chaos is come again, and I begin to feel like a piece of old gum stuck to someone's shoe, covered in the dust and the gravel of a thousand miles of wasteland. Sometimes, I can hold it off; for a while. Other times, it seems to hit me as soon as I cross the threshold, like an sledgehammer in all of my remaining soft places, not that there are many of those left. The past few years have left all new tracks of scars behind my eyes, virtual autobahns screaming and bleeding through my psyche. And there's something; something I don't recognize, something I've never felt in my head before, and it wants out. I don't know what it is, what its agenda is, how to quantify it... I just feel it rattling around inside, trying to find an opening in the walls I've eracted around the Gulag of my deep memories, my deepest thoughts; the place where the nightmares come from. It wants out, and I am afraid of it.
On the other hand, I'm certainly glad I don't possess other aspects of River. I read people too well already, via voice and body language... I neither need nor want the ability to read minds.
Right now, the only thing keeping me holding on to what's left of any sanity that I may actually possess, is the fact that this will be over, for better or for worse, in about two weeks, give or take a day. I'm doing my damndest to hold things together that long, but it is difficult.
I feel a bit like River Tam, after her brother began treating her; after the neuro-imager. It helps, for a little while. I feel like a person again. The sun comes out. Things make sense. For a while. And then I have to come back here, and chaos is come again, and I begin to feel like a piece of old gum stuck to someone's shoe, covered in the dust and the gravel of a thousand miles of wasteland. Sometimes, I can hold it off; for a while. Other times, it seems to hit me as soon as I cross the threshold, like an sledgehammer in all of my remaining soft places, not that there are many of those left. The past few years have left all new tracks of scars behind my eyes, virtual autobahns screaming and bleeding through my psyche. And there's something; something I don't recognize, something I've never felt in my head before, and it wants out. I don't know what it is, what its agenda is, how to quantify it... I just feel it rattling around inside, trying to find an opening in the walls I've eracted around the Gulag of my deep memories, my deepest thoughts; the place where the nightmares come from. It wants out, and I am afraid of it.
On the other hand, I'm certainly glad I don't possess other aspects of River. I read people too well already, via voice and body language... I neither need nor want the ability to read minds.
Right now, the only thing keeping me holding on to what's left of any sanity that I may actually possess, is the fact that this will be over, for better or for worse, in about two weeks, give or take a day. I'm doing my damndest to hold things together that long, but it is difficult.