grr..my brain is scrambled eggs...
what is jealousy? why am I always jealous? why do i get jealous over stupid things that PROBABLY mean nothing? BECAUSE IM DUMB..i let jealousy get in the way of happiness..
im so confused right now..i can't think straight..im screwed up and i dont know what to do..i hate being jealous..i hate that even if i dont have a reason to be jealous right now, i could sometime..im always going to be jealous because i want to be the one with my arms around her..not anyone else..i'm trying to keep my mind off of it..and it just isnt working..because i want to be thinking of her..she's the best thing in my life..
this is really hard..maybe everyone is right..maybe i should just give up..give up on everything..stop thinking..and stop hurting..maybe we arnt meant to be..i dont know..but i want to be..i want to be with her..i want to be happy..and I WANT TO CRY!..and i cant..and i thought at first that this was a good thing..but i've come to hate it..because for me, crying is how i deal with things..mainly anyway..and when i cant cry, it builds up and im a horrible person..mean to people and everything..if i let it build up too long, im going to break..maybe thats what i need..a nice breakdown..get sent away..no..i dont want that..but sometimes i really do..just to get away from everything and stop hurting..you get away from hurt by hurting yourself..and i am not going to do that..anymore..
i'm lost..i dont know what to do anymore..because it feels like in my heart i know that i need to wait for her..but she seems to be moving on and stuff..and im afraid i will be waiting forever..i have to wait..i can't be without her..i need her..more than she knows..i know..im pathetic..i am a loser..i cant help it..if i could control it, i would..believe me i would..
i'm seriously thinking of deleting my myspace and never going back on there again..everytime i go on there, i feel like crying(even though i cant:()..i'm not sure yet though..because when people ACTUALLY comment me or leave me messages, i feel important..and i like that feeling..because it means that people went out of their way to talk to me..but then i go to certain peoples pages and people comment them like everyday, but hardly ever comment or message me..im not gonna say who:S..but idk..myspace is almost all drama, and im tired of it..i feel like crap everytime i go to melia's profile..because well..nevermind..but yeah..i guess i'll decide eventually..the main reason i havent deleted it is cuz my profile freakin rocks..(thanks melia)..and i dont want to delete something so awesome..
i'm tired..i havent been sleeping..i think the most i slept this week was saturday..and only because i was with melia..and i havent been able to eat without getting sick..maybe i have the flu..im not sure..maybe things are just getting to me and i dont know how to handle it..and my brain is so screwed up that it isnt controlling things right..i dont know..either way i hate this feeling..
liz isnt here today..so i have no one to talk to..which is fine..i hope she is okay..idk if she is sick or anything:(..
i guess that everyone had tons of fun at "movie night" on saturday..i had fun on saturday too..i really did..it was a little weird for a little while..and then things went back to semi-normal..and i was happy..
things just suck
i'm done
i dont know why i bother sometimes
maybe it is over...or maybe not
love hurts
and so do i
things will change
i have faith
because i know what i want
i plan on getting what i want
because i never get what i want..
and i think i deserve to get the one thing i want the most..
it might take time..
i dont care..
i'll wait forever if i have to..
and maybe that will turn out with me being alone forever..
i dont care..
i'd rather be alone than not be with the person i love..
i think its like The Notebook(but less tragic)..
if i were to move on..
i wouldnt be being fair to the person i was with
because my heart will always be with someone else..
alone is good..
it can be good..
it's what is most likely going to happen..
might as well get used to it now..
im dramatic and dumb..
get over it i guess..
i should go..this felt really good..and the last part with all the lines was kind of fun..i need therapy or something..anyways..more details about this weekend later probably..
much love♥