(no subject)
So. I'm not sure what's going on here. I talk to Kelsey today, and it was good and bad. I'm glad she's worried about you, she started crying about it. But, it's what she told me that was the disturbing part. She let me know that you were seriously trying to obtain this drug that I've fought tooth and nail so hard for the past sixth months to get off. You told her you'd call the debt she has to you paid if she got you a bag, then while you were there you tried everyday to get it. Now maybe it's just you had a craving, I don't know. She admitted she did it really bad like you use to, or maybe still do? I don't know. My head is spun in about a million and a half different directions right now.
I want to know you want to get better. YOU have to want this more than I do for it to work. You can't be like "No Joe, I don't want to do it!" Then turn around and be actually looking for it. I want you to be better, more than you'll ever know, but I'm backing myself into a corner here; I honestly don't know what to do. Like, really. Hun, I'm looking for answers.
I broke down today, no one knows it but I did. I just lost it. Literally. My mom brought me to the hospital, I was so...I don't even know what to call it. I can't remember anything, I must've blacked out. This is pathetic, this is driving me into the ground, it is. I can't quit on you, I gave you my word. I will fight this problem you have with everything I am or ever will be, I love you to death.
This is pretty much rambling, I won't lie. I put my iPod headphones on, turned on this Rise Against CD, and I'm writing what comes to mind in hopes to calm down.
I'm nervous, and anxious, and really depressed. I feel like I'm the one that's failing here, like I can't help you help yourself. Like a car stuck in the mud, I'm just spinning my tires. All those times you mention all the drugs you use to do, like "oh i was so high going to work" and blah blah blah, they really do bother me, but you never notice my teeth cringe do you? You always say "oh well you knew" or "well if you didn't know you do now and that was a year (or two) ago". It still bugs me, it does. It's like you're rubbing it in my face for being so god damn naive.
I'm anxious for you to come home and see if you're going to be ok, to see if you'll make good on your word and stay clean, relapse really isn't an option for us, for you maybe, but not for this relationship. Next time you decide you want to do it, I want you to look at the substance and think, is it worth it? Is it worth losing the only guy who's stood by me for 4 years without fail? Who gave me anything I wanted, was there for anything even the 2am hospital trips, or the 12 hours at the hospital where not even your family showed? And if you still take that hit, or that shot, or blow that line, then that's fine, I guess the drugs were worth more to you than our relationship. I just want you to know that I loved you.
I'm nervous, this is the awkward feeling. I'm scared really, not nervous. That what happened in May will happen again except this time we'll be too late. That I'll bury the only girl I ever fell in love with, and in the process lose everything I personally worked so hard for. Through it all, even the bad things you did to yourself I have you to thank me for making me who I am today. I'm sure that if it wasn't for you I probably would have dropped out of school, I'm almost 100% certain, and if it wasn't for you I sure wouldn't be at STCC. I work hard in school, and at most everything else I do because of you.
I talked to my dad today, I'm pretty sure that my car might sell, and in turn I'm thinking that the new white Elantra might be coming my way, that's a positive. I think I might have a new job too, hopefully. And Dad is hooking me up with his friends mowin' their lawns for 20 a pop, and I got 5 so far. So, twice a week that's an extra 100, and then 60 from Dad and Grampy, that ain't bad for a couple months still. My Dad and I are going to hustle some more copper too, so there's money in the bank, maybe this apartment will happen after all Pook <3
Mom and Sharon un-split, and here's the kicker! Joellen has to goto my Dad's permanantly, so that's a positive, well I mean, it sucks obviously, but it's fair. My mom had no where to go, but again, she's doing the right thing. This way here too, I can save money. Mama said that if I got our apartment all figured out, she'd donate my half of the support money to our cause. And until then you're welcome to spend as much time as you want here.
I really am rambling, and I'm sure after I talk to you tomorrow I won't feel half as bad, but for now I do, and I don't know why. Karly, I love you. You are the best thing I could have asked for, and I'm determined to protect you. Pook, please be ok.
I want to know you want to get better. YOU have to want this more than I do for it to work. You can't be like "No Joe, I don't want to do it!" Then turn around and be actually looking for it. I want you to be better, more than you'll ever know, but I'm backing myself into a corner here; I honestly don't know what to do. Like, really. Hun, I'm looking for answers.
I broke down today, no one knows it but I did. I just lost it. Literally. My mom brought me to the hospital, I was so...I don't even know what to call it. I can't remember anything, I must've blacked out. This is pathetic, this is driving me into the ground, it is. I can't quit on you, I gave you my word. I will fight this problem you have with everything I am or ever will be, I love you to death.
This is pretty much rambling, I won't lie. I put my iPod headphones on, turned on this Rise Against CD, and I'm writing what comes to mind in hopes to calm down.
I'm nervous, and anxious, and really depressed. I feel like I'm the one that's failing here, like I can't help you help yourself. Like a car stuck in the mud, I'm just spinning my tires. All those times you mention all the drugs you use to do, like "oh i was so high going to work" and blah blah blah, they really do bother me, but you never notice my teeth cringe do you? You always say "oh well you knew" or "well if you didn't know you do now and that was a year (or two) ago". It still bugs me, it does. It's like you're rubbing it in my face for being so god damn naive.
I'm anxious for you to come home and see if you're going to be ok, to see if you'll make good on your word and stay clean, relapse really isn't an option for us, for you maybe, but not for this relationship. Next time you decide you want to do it, I want you to look at the substance and think, is it worth it? Is it worth losing the only guy who's stood by me for 4 years without fail? Who gave me anything I wanted, was there for anything even the 2am hospital trips, or the 12 hours at the hospital where not even your family showed? And if you still take that hit, or that shot, or blow that line, then that's fine, I guess the drugs were worth more to you than our relationship. I just want you to know that I loved you.
I'm nervous, this is the awkward feeling. I'm scared really, not nervous. That what happened in May will happen again except this time we'll be too late. That I'll bury the only girl I ever fell in love with, and in the process lose everything I personally worked so hard for. Through it all, even the bad things you did to yourself I have you to thank me for making me who I am today. I'm sure that if it wasn't for you I probably would have dropped out of school, I'm almost 100% certain, and if it wasn't for you I sure wouldn't be at STCC. I work hard in school, and at most everything else I do because of you.
I talked to my dad today, I'm pretty sure that my car might sell, and in turn I'm thinking that the new white Elantra might be coming my way, that's a positive. I think I might have a new job too, hopefully. And Dad is hooking me up with his friends mowin' their lawns for 20 a pop, and I got 5 so far. So, twice a week that's an extra 100, and then 60 from Dad and Grampy, that ain't bad for a couple months still. My Dad and I are going to hustle some more copper too, so there's money in the bank, maybe this apartment will happen after all Pook <3
Mom and Sharon un-split, and here's the kicker! Joellen has to goto my Dad's permanantly, so that's a positive, well I mean, it sucks obviously, but it's fair. My mom had no where to go, but again, she's doing the right thing. This way here too, I can save money. Mama said that if I got our apartment all figured out, she'd donate my half of the support money to our cause. And until then you're welcome to spend as much time as you want here.
I really am rambling, and I'm sure after I talk to you tomorrow I won't feel half as bad, but for now I do, and I don't know why. Karly, I love you. You are the best thing I could have asked for, and I'm determined to protect you. Pook, please be ok.