Crossing the Rift: Affairs of Cardiff and the Kawoosh - Chapter 6
Title: Crossing the Rift: Affairs of Cardiff and the Kawoosh - Chapter 6
Author: sinisterx18
Rating: PG-13
Crack!Pairings: Capt. Jack H./Daniel Jackson, Col. Jack O./Ianto Jones, Teal'c/OC, Owen Harper/Anise
Final Pairings: Capt. Jack H./Ianto Jones, Col. Jack O./Samantha Carter
Warnings: Spoilers for TW season 1 and SG-1 through season 4. Also massive amounts of crack.
Summary: Simultaneous accidents bring Torchwood and SG-1 together, but their attempts to fix the problem brings them together in ways they never expected.
AN: Everyone gets split up in this chapter. And General Hammond's job pretty much sucks. But in a funny way. This author's note sucks in a not funny way; I'm sorry, I've been writing a college application essays all day. If you missed Chapter 1, you can read it here.
"I think it's great that the General is trusting us to work on such an important project, don't you?" Felger asked Dr. Lee as he rolled his chair over to look at the results of the scan Lee was running on the button.
"Yeah, we usually don't get to do this sort of thing. Although it might be because our top scientist is stuck in a parallel universe." Lee had to use his shoulder to push up his glasses because the scanner took both hands.
Major Davis appeared in the doorway and rapped on the door frame. "Doctor Lee, Doctor Felger, General Hammond sent me down to keep an eye on you two."
"Aren't you stationed in Washington?" Felger got out before Lee had time to shush him.
"Doctor, has it really escaped you that whenever there's a major crisis, Washington sends me up here so I can advise and report back to them? SG-1 getting sent to a parallel world certainly counts as a major crisis."
"Well, yes, but..." Felger stuttered, "You're usually in Hammond's office. Not in the labs."
"Felger, it's not like the General knows any more about this than the Major does. We're the front line! Anything that happens is going to happen here, so it's the best place for Major Davis to be." Lee didn't get put on important projects very often. If he was lucky, he'd get to do some R&D on something that was almost as useless as it was harmless. Nelis got all the fun toys if they weren't earmarked for Major Carter.
"Exactly." Davis was also on orders to keep the two scientists from causing more trouble. Hammond had also banished him from his office and the control room because he was "lurking". The man was spending too much time with Colonel O'Neill. Davis pulled a stool out from under one of the high tables and got as comfortable as was possible.
"You done yet?" Felger asked Lee, uncomfortably close trying to look over his shoulder.
"Not quite, don't you have results to analyze?"
"But there's nothing to analyze! Low EM field, no radiation, no naquadah, nothing special!"
"Then you're missing something. Let me see." Lee shoved past Felger to look at the computer.
When Felger picked up the button, Davis prepared to intervene. Just because the man was supposedly qualified didn't mean anyone had reason to trust him. This was Jay Felger, after all; Davis had read the reports.
Holding the button at eye level, Felger teasingly moved his finger toward it. "Button, button, who's got the button?" he sang. Just as the tip of his index finger made contact with the button, Major Davis launched himself at the idiot masquerading as a valuable scientist. The button was only half-depressed when it was unceremoniously flung into a corner where it wobbled to a stop like a coin; Davis having knocked it out of Felger's hand while simultaneously tackling him.
Both of them sat up at once. Felger glanced over at the scowling Major and blushed.
"Oops."
Thirty Seconds Earlier
The other Jack was enjoying this far too much, O'Neill decided. Glaring at his (more annoying) counterpart, he sat down on the corner of someone's desk.
"Oh, come on, it's pretty funny, Jack," Harkness laughed jovially.
Daniel, who was once again drunk, giggled. He was sitting on the railing, facing the others, while Gwen hovered next to him in case he tipped over and fell. His balance probably wasn't too good right then, she guessed.
Taking a quick moment to glower at his younger friend, who just laughed harder, O'Neill looked back at Harkness. "True," he agreed, "But you're kind of a..."
Before his sentence could be finished, there was a flash of light, and O'Neill and Gwen disappeared.
Daniel squeaked and fell off the railing.
Present Day
"Bastard!" O'Neill exclaimed.
"Sorry, sir," Felger muttered, picking himself up. "It wasn't my fault."
Jack shook his head. "Not you. Jack. The other one."
He turned around and glanced behind himself. It appeared that he wasn't the only one who had been transported back to (his) Earth. Unfortunately, it wasn't one of his teammates, or even the cute Welshman who had appeared with him. Instead, it was the girl with bad teeth, who was standing there stunned, looking like she had just been flashed.
"Not your fault?" Davis demanded. Jack blinked, not having noticed the other man before. "How, exactly was that not your fault?"
Felger pointed accusingly at Lee. "He was supposed to move the button! Haven't you ever played "button, button, who's got the button" before?"
He received blank stares all around. Everyone except Jack, who mumbled, "That's not how it's played!"
"No," Davis answered for all of them.
"Yeah, me neither," Lee agreed.
"I've never even heard of it," Gwen piped up.
"Yeah, well, you're not even from this universe, okay?"
Gwen scowled at him.
"Guys!" Jack glared at the bickering group. They all immediately quieted down. "Thank you. Now. Will someone please explain to me what exactly just happened?"
"He pressed the button, sir," Davis answered.
"Then why are, um," Jack searched his head for her name, "Gwen and I the only ones here?"
"I prevented him from fully depressing the button."
"He tackled me, is what he means," Felger threw in, still in a huff.
"Great," snarked the colonel. "I suppose we should go tell Hammond."
Felger blanched and Lee looked like he couldn't decided if he should be worried or proud he hadn't been the one to screw up.
Once everyone had been herded up to the briefing room, Felger tried to explain the story in a way that made him look innocent, Lee tried to make sure he wasn't implicated, and Davis wanted to make sure the General knew what kind of idiots he had on base. While those three talked over each other, Gwen watched unsure of what she should be doing, and Jack rolled his eyes and played with a pen.
"I was across the room!'
"All I did was pick it up!"
"Felger activated the device even after strict orders not to!"
"I was playing 'Button, button, whose got the button'!"
"And you pressed it!"
Hammond put his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. The room quieted down when he looked up. "Let me get this straight. Felger was playing games with alien artifacts, disobeyed orders and as a result Colonel O'Neill and Ms. Cooper have been transported from, what did you call it?" he asked, looking at Gwen.
"The Whoniverse," she supplied (Ianto had decided they should name their universe for ease of reference. No one but the Welshman seemed to understand what that name referred to.)
"From the Whoniverse to our universe. Major Davis prevented Dr. Felger from fully pressing the button so the rest of SG-1 remains in the Whoniverse. And Dr. Lee was across the room?"
"Yes, sir," Lee, Felger, and Davis all replied with varying degrees of enthusiasm.
"You two," Hammond addressed Felger and Lee, "are aware that you have only been placed on this project because Major Carter is in the Whoniverse, right?"
"Yes, sir," was their reluctant response.
"And there have been no recorded negative effects of this travel?"
"Not a one, General. Other than it being weird." Jack felt he was best qualified to answer this question.
"Then we should bring the rest of SG-1 back here so something like this doesn't happen again." Hammond really just wanted someone on base who was mildly competent. The best of the USAF used to mean a lot more than this. He gestured at the button. "Colonel, would you do the honors?"
“Certainly, sir.” With a press of the button, the now-expected glow filled the room accompanied by the appearance of that handsome Welshman and the odd-looking doctor. After Ianto and Owen's materialization, the button promptly made a loud fizzling noise and went dark.
"Colonel, report!"
"Oh, for cryin' out loud," Jack sighed. None of his team had appeared and the doohickey was broken!
"I think it's broken, sir," Lee offered, trying to be helpful.
"Probably because Major Davis tackled me," Felger was still bitching about that.
Hammond closed his eyes, willing himself to make it through this.
"Where the bloody hell are we?" demanded the man who looked like a fish.
Unfortunately for the poor General, that was looking less and less likely with every stranger who appeared.
Daniel had barely managed to stand up when Owen's obnoxious laughter was abruptly cut off. Looking around, he saw that the fishman and Ianto had disappeared.
"Huh?" he demanded.
Jack (the one who hadn't disappeared a few seconds ago) blinked. "Well, that's strange."
"Someone must have depressed the button in your universe," Tosh said to Sam.
"Depressed it?" Jack asked. "Did they make it watch The Neverending Story?"
Everyone stared at him.
"What?"
"The Neverending Story?" Sam wanted to know.
"Yes!" Jack retorted defensively. "It was a sad movie!"
Sam looked like she was about to reply, but Daniel interrupted her. "The scene with the horse? I didn't sleep for week!"
"Artax! Artax!"
Teal'c raised an eyebrow and made a mental note to watch this film with Daniel Jackson when they returned.
The girls, ignoring their friends' strange obsession with this film, continued their conversation.
"But why would it have taken longer for Ianto and Owen to go through?" Sam wondered, mostly to herself.
"Maybe they depressed it twice," Tosh suggested.
"They made it watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season five episode sixteen?"
Everyone stared at Jack. He shrugged. "Hey, it was sad," he replied, unabashedly.
Sam decided that ignoring Jack would be the best for everyone's sanity (and realized that was also true of her Jack). She asked Tosh, "The really strange part is that the five of us are still here." After a pause to consider the implications, she continued, "Do you think it could've been broken?"
"That's certainly possible. I suppose we could depress our button to see if the connection has been severed, that of course assumes two are needed on subsequent trips after the initial."
Jack had apparently run out of movie connections, and didn't comment.
"True, but we don't know what the long term effects of this type of travel are. We should attempt to limit them as much as possible. Which means we shouldn't press the button here unless we have to."
Now, Captain Jack Harkness appreciated techno babble more than just about anyone he'd ever met (the Doctor put him to shame), but enough was enough. Tosh and Sam were about to get into some nigh-impenetrable techno babble, and Jack knew they didn't do it for fun. They just didn't get out enough. "That's it. Since there's not much we can do here, the rift's being quiet, and you didn't go to the bar... whenever it was we all went to a bar, you two are hereby ordered to go out and get drunk."
Major Carter was not accustomed to questioning orders. This, however, was a special occasion. The only way Harkness would outrank her was if he was Navy (his coat was RAF, but WWII era, so she didn't trust it as an indicator), something she really doubted; the man wasn't captain of anything, near as she could tell, save the innuendo squad. "Captain," Sam used the tone of voice she saved for out-of-line airmen, "I'm fairly certain you can't give that order."
"Why not?" He looked almost hurt. His team disobeyed him, questioned him, ignored him, and shot him, but they never told him he couldn't tell them what to do.
"You can't give me that order because I outrank you and am not even in your chain of command..."
Daniel, sprawled drunkenly on the couch, looked up from the tourist brochure he'd filched from the tourist office (he was using it to teach himself Welsh). "Aw, come on, Sam! Beer is fun!" He made his point by giggling.
"It's not that I'm questioning, Daniel." Harkness just rubbed her the wrong way, and she wasn't going to let him get away with jack. "But..." she stopped.
Honestly, Sam couldn't think of any decent argument against getting drunk at that moment. So she shrugged and looked at Toshiko. The other woman didn't seem to have any objections either, so they simply exited.
"I will accompany you Major Carter and Doctor Sato," someone informed them. You can probably guess who.
They moved back to look at the imposing Jaffa. "Teal'c?" Sam asked. "You not drunk enough already?"
He shook his head. "Alcohol is not what entices me to the bar. I am engaged to participate in a human courtship ritual with the woman whom I was required by your game to become romantically attached to."
Everyone blinked. In the confusion of all the disappearances and the time they had spent at the SGC, most of them had forgotten about Teal'c's date. Glancing at the clock, Sam saw that they had returned in time.
As the three bar-goers walked out the cog door, Harkness leered at Daniel, "Guess it's just you and me tonight." Daniel giggled (again) as the Captain sauntered over the couch, as if stalking his prey.
Chapter 7
Author: sinisterx18
Rating: PG-13
Crack!Pairings: Capt. Jack H./Daniel Jackson, Col. Jack O./Ianto Jones, Teal'c/OC, Owen Harper/Anise
Final Pairings: Capt. Jack H./Ianto Jones, Col. Jack O./Samantha Carter
Warnings: Spoilers for TW season 1 and SG-1 through season 4. Also massive amounts of crack.
Summary: Simultaneous accidents bring Torchwood and SG-1 together, but their attempts to fix the problem brings them together in ways they never expected.
AN: Everyone gets split up in this chapter. And General Hammond's job pretty much sucks. But in a funny way. This author's note sucks in a not funny way; I'm sorry, I've been writing a college application essays all day. If you missed Chapter 1, you can read it here.
"I think it's great that the General is trusting us to work on such an important project, don't you?" Felger asked Dr. Lee as he rolled his chair over to look at the results of the scan Lee was running on the button.
"Yeah, we usually don't get to do this sort of thing. Although it might be because our top scientist is stuck in a parallel universe." Lee had to use his shoulder to push up his glasses because the scanner took both hands.
Major Davis appeared in the doorway and rapped on the door frame. "Doctor Lee, Doctor Felger, General Hammond sent me down to keep an eye on you two."
"Aren't you stationed in Washington?" Felger got out before Lee had time to shush him.
"Doctor, has it really escaped you that whenever there's a major crisis, Washington sends me up here so I can advise and report back to them? SG-1 getting sent to a parallel world certainly counts as a major crisis."
"Well, yes, but..." Felger stuttered, "You're usually in Hammond's office. Not in the labs."
"Felger, it's not like the General knows any more about this than the Major does. We're the front line! Anything that happens is going to happen here, so it's the best place for Major Davis to be." Lee didn't get put on important projects very often. If he was lucky, he'd get to do some R&D on something that was almost as useless as it was harmless. Nelis got all the fun toys if they weren't earmarked for Major Carter.
"Exactly." Davis was also on orders to keep the two scientists from causing more trouble. Hammond had also banished him from his office and the control room because he was "lurking". The man was spending too much time with Colonel O'Neill. Davis pulled a stool out from under one of the high tables and got as comfortable as was possible.
"You done yet?" Felger asked Lee, uncomfortably close trying to look over his shoulder.
"Not quite, don't you have results to analyze?"
"But there's nothing to analyze! Low EM field, no radiation, no naquadah, nothing special!"
"Then you're missing something. Let me see." Lee shoved past Felger to look at the computer.
When Felger picked up the button, Davis prepared to intervene. Just because the man was supposedly qualified didn't mean anyone had reason to trust him. This was Jay Felger, after all; Davis had read the reports.
Holding the button at eye level, Felger teasingly moved his finger toward it. "Button, button, who's got the button?" he sang. Just as the tip of his index finger made contact with the button, Major Davis launched himself at the idiot masquerading as a valuable scientist. The button was only half-depressed when it was unceremoniously flung into a corner where it wobbled to a stop like a coin; Davis having knocked it out of Felger's hand while simultaneously tackling him.
Both of them sat up at once. Felger glanced over at the scowling Major and blushed.
"Oops."
Thirty Seconds Earlier
The other Jack was enjoying this far too much, O'Neill decided. Glaring at his (more annoying) counterpart, he sat down on the corner of someone's desk.
"Oh, come on, it's pretty funny, Jack," Harkness laughed jovially.
Daniel, who was once again drunk, giggled. He was sitting on the railing, facing the others, while Gwen hovered next to him in case he tipped over and fell. His balance probably wasn't too good right then, she guessed.
Taking a quick moment to glower at his younger friend, who just laughed harder, O'Neill looked back at Harkness. "True," he agreed, "But you're kind of a..."
Before his sentence could be finished, there was a flash of light, and O'Neill and Gwen disappeared.
Daniel squeaked and fell off the railing.
Present Day
"Bastard!" O'Neill exclaimed.
"Sorry, sir," Felger muttered, picking himself up. "It wasn't my fault."
Jack shook his head. "Not you. Jack. The other one."
He turned around and glanced behind himself. It appeared that he wasn't the only one who had been transported back to (his) Earth. Unfortunately, it wasn't one of his teammates, or even the cute Welshman who had appeared with him. Instead, it was the girl with bad teeth, who was standing there stunned, looking like she had just been flashed.
"Not your fault?" Davis demanded. Jack blinked, not having noticed the other man before. "How, exactly was that not your fault?"
Felger pointed accusingly at Lee. "He was supposed to move the button! Haven't you ever played "button, button, who's got the button" before?"
He received blank stares all around. Everyone except Jack, who mumbled, "That's not how it's played!"
"No," Davis answered for all of them.
"Yeah, me neither," Lee agreed.
"I've never even heard of it," Gwen piped up.
"Yeah, well, you're not even from this universe, okay?"
Gwen scowled at him.
"Guys!" Jack glared at the bickering group. They all immediately quieted down. "Thank you. Now. Will someone please explain to me what exactly just happened?"
"He pressed the button, sir," Davis answered.
"Then why are, um," Jack searched his head for her name, "Gwen and I the only ones here?"
"I prevented him from fully depressing the button."
"He tackled me, is what he means," Felger threw in, still in a huff.
"Great," snarked the colonel. "I suppose we should go tell Hammond."
Felger blanched and Lee looked like he couldn't decided if he should be worried or proud he hadn't been the one to screw up.
Once everyone had been herded up to the briefing room, Felger tried to explain the story in a way that made him look innocent, Lee tried to make sure he wasn't implicated, and Davis wanted to make sure the General knew what kind of idiots he had on base. While those three talked over each other, Gwen watched unsure of what she should be doing, and Jack rolled his eyes and played with a pen.
"I was across the room!'
"All I did was pick it up!"
"Felger activated the device even after strict orders not to!"
"I was playing 'Button, button, whose got the button'!"
"And you pressed it!"
Hammond put his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. The room quieted down when he looked up. "Let me get this straight. Felger was playing games with alien artifacts, disobeyed orders and as a result Colonel O'Neill and Ms. Cooper have been transported from, what did you call it?" he asked, looking at Gwen.
"The Whoniverse," she supplied (Ianto had decided they should name their universe for ease of reference. No one but the Welshman seemed to understand what that name referred to.)
"From the Whoniverse to our universe. Major Davis prevented Dr. Felger from fully pressing the button so the rest of SG-1 remains in the Whoniverse. And Dr. Lee was across the room?"
"Yes, sir," Lee, Felger, and Davis all replied with varying degrees of enthusiasm.
"You two," Hammond addressed Felger and Lee, "are aware that you have only been placed on this project because Major Carter is in the Whoniverse, right?"
"Yes, sir," was their reluctant response.
"And there have been no recorded negative effects of this travel?"
"Not a one, General. Other than it being weird." Jack felt he was best qualified to answer this question.
"Then we should bring the rest of SG-1 back here so something like this doesn't happen again." Hammond really just wanted someone on base who was mildly competent. The best of the USAF used to mean a lot more than this. He gestured at the button. "Colonel, would you do the honors?"
“Certainly, sir.” With a press of the button, the now-expected glow filled the room accompanied by the appearance of that handsome Welshman and the odd-looking doctor. After Ianto and Owen's materialization, the button promptly made a loud fizzling noise and went dark.
"Colonel, report!"
"Oh, for cryin' out loud," Jack sighed. None of his team had appeared and the doohickey was broken!
"I think it's broken, sir," Lee offered, trying to be helpful.
"Probably because Major Davis tackled me," Felger was still bitching about that.
Hammond closed his eyes, willing himself to make it through this.
"Where the bloody hell are we?" demanded the man who looked like a fish.
Unfortunately for the poor General, that was looking less and less likely with every stranger who appeared.
Daniel had barely managed to stand up when Owen's obnoxious laughter was abruptly cut off. Looking around, he saw that the fishman and Ianto had disappeared.
"Huh?" he demanded.
Jack (the one who hadn't disappeared a few seconds ago) blinked. "Well, that's strange."
"Someone must have depressed the button in your universe," Tosh said to Sam.
"Depressed it?" Jack asked. "Did they make it watch The Neverending Story?"
Everyone stared at him.
"What?"
"The Neverending Story?" Sam wanted to know.
"Yes!" Jack retorted defensively. "It was a sad movie!"
Sam looked like she was about to reply, but Daniel interrupted her. "The scene with the horse? I didn't sleep for week!"
"Artax! Artax!"
Teal'c raised an eyebrow and made a mental note to watch this film with Daniel Jackson when they returned.
The girls, ignoring their friends' strange obsession with this film, continued their conversation.
"But why would it have taken longer for Ianto and Owen to go through?" Sam wondered, mostly to herself.
"Maybe they depressed it twice," Tosh suggested.
"They made it watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season five episode sixteen?"
Everyone stared at Jack. He shrugged. "Hey, it was sad," he replied, unabashedly.
Sam decided that ignoring Jack would be the best for everyone's sanity (and realized that was also true of her Jack). She asked Tosh, "The really strange part is that the five of us are still here." After a pause to consider the implications, she continued, "Do you think it could've been broken?"
"That's certainly possible. I suppose we could depress our button to see if the connection has been severed, that of course assumes two are needed on subsequent trips after the initial."
Jack had apparently run out of movie connections, and didn't comment.
"True, but we don't know what the long term effects of this type of travel are. We should attempt to limit them as much as possible. Which means we shouldn't press the button here unless we have to."
Now, Captain Jack Harkness appreciated techno babble more than just about anyone he'd ever met (the Doctor put him to shame), but enough was enough. Tosh and Sam were about to get into some nigh-impenetrable techno babble, and Jack knew they didn't do it for fun. They just didn't get out enough. "That's it. Since there's not much we can do here, the rift's being quiet, and you didn't go to the bar... whenever it was we all went to a bar, you two are hereby ordered to go out and get drunk."
Major Carter was not accustomed to questioning orders. This, however, was a special occasion. The only way Harkness would outrank her was if he was Navy (his coat was RAF, but WWII era, so she didn't trust it as an indicator), something she really doubted; the man wasn't captain of anything, near as she could tell, save the innuendo squad. "Captain," Sam used the tone of voice she saved for out-of-line airmen, "I'm fairly certain you can't give that order."
"Why not?" He looked almost hurt. His team disobeyed him, questioned him, ignored him, and shot him, but they never told him he couldn't tell them what to do.
"You can't give me that order because I outrank you and am not even in your chain of command..."
Daniel, sprawled drunkenly on the couch, looked up from the tourist brochure he'd filched from the tourist office (he was using it to teach himself Welsh). "Aw, come on, Sam! Beer is fun!" He made his point by giggling.
"It's not that I'm questioning, Daniel." Harkness just rubbed her the wrong way, and she wasn't going to let him get away with jack. "But..." she stopped.
Honestly, Sam couldn't think of any decent argument against getting drunk at that moment. So she shrugged and looked at Toshiko. The other woman didn't seem to have any objections either, so they simply exited.
"I will accompany you Major Carter and Doctor Sato," someone informed them. You can probably guess who.
They moved back to look at the imposing Jaffa. "Teal'c?" Sam asked. "You not drunk enough already?"
He shook his head. "Alcohol is not what entices me to the bar. I am engaged to participate in a human courtship ritual with the woman whom I was required by your game to become romantically attached to."
Everyone blinked. In the confusion of all the disappearances and the time they had spent at the SGC, most of them had forgotten about Teal'c's date. Glancing at the clock, Sam saw that they had returned in time.
As the three bar-goers walked out the cog door, Harkness leered at Daniel, "Guess it's just you and me tonight." Daniel giggled (again) as the Captain sauntered over the couch, as if stalking his prey.
Chapter 7