Crossing the Rift: Affairs of Cardiff and the Kawoosh - Chapter 5
Title: Crossing the Rift: Affairs of Cardiff and the Kawoosh
Author: sinisterx18
Rating: PG-13
Crack!Pairings: Capt. Jack H./Daniel Jackson, Col. Jack O./Ianto Jones, Teal'c/OC, Owen Harper/Anise
Final Pairings: Capt. Jack H./Ianto Jones, Col. Jack O./Samantha Carter
Warnings: Spoilers for TW season 1 and SG-1 through season 4. Also massive amounts of crack.
Summary: Simultaneous accidents bring Torchwood and SG-1 together, but their attempts to fix the problem brings them together in ways they never expected.
AN: This is one of my favorite chapters. I think you'll love it too. Wacky hijinks and resurrection jokes! If you missed Chapter 1, you can read it here.
It was Myfanwy's fault, they decided. Or, at least, Toshiko's. She had left a chocolate bar next to the button. And Myfanwy, as Gwen protested loudly, couldn't know any better.
"We have to get back," Sam insisted. "We need to figure out how to keep us in our respective universes, and we don't have the resources to work on it here."
"Well," suggested Daniel, "We could try pressing the button on this end."
But Sam and Tosh shook their heads at the exact same time, causing both Jacks to simultaneously wonder if they were dopplegangers.
"We can't risk it," Sam explained. "If we activate the button from this end, there's a slight possibility that whomever is holding the button on the other end could be dragged into this universe themselves, without us being returned."
"Slight???" her Jack demanded angrily. "Carter..."
"I'm sorry!" she protested. "But I can't be more specific than that. The probability of that occurrence is impossible to estimate without knowing the exact proximity of our respective universes to one another on the entire plane of existence on which we..."
But by this point, he wasn't particularly listening to her anymore. “Woah!” O’Neill yelled, looking at the timestamp on Tosh’s computer.
“What is it, sir?” asked Sam.
“We appear to have only been gone from this universe for five hours.” (If you can’t figure out who said this, you’re dumb.)
Ianto nudged Sam and whispered, “You call your Jack ‘sir’ too?”
Sam just shot him a funny look. She was disinclined to justify this question with a response. So instead she talked to Teal’c. “The buttons seem to return people to five hours after they left. Probably to maintain a stable connection between the two universes through the Rift on this end."
“Great,” Harkness snarked. “Can we go bowling?”
"Jaaack," Gwen massacred the "a" in her customary manner, "Why would we want to go bowling?"
"Sammy said we can't work on the problem here, so we might as well have fun!"
"Harkness! Do not call my major "Sammy" unless you have a death wish." Jack was glad Teal'c had placed himself between an irate Major Carter and an obnoxious man who had the audacity to share his name. "Also, bowling is not fun. Laser tag is fun."
At the mention of laser tag, Sam's eyes lit up in an excited way with no hint of Goa'uldiness. "SG-1 vs. Torchwood?" she asked hopefully. Just because Torchwood also fought aliens didn't mean SG-1 would have any trouble beating them soundly. A crack military special-ops unit they were not.
"You're on." Owen agreed (without consulting anyone). When the others began to protest, he added, "What? Like you don't wanna prove we're better than they are."
"But Owen!" Gwen always sounded like she was making fun of Owen by over annunciating the "o". "It wouldn't be fair, we have one more person."
"Doesn't matter. We'll still win." O'Neill was confident in his team's ability to smoke the members of Torchwood. Daniel had finally become a valuable asset in a fire-fight instead of a liability.
Captain Jack Harkness finally nodded his assent. "Not nearly as much fun as bowling, but it's not like we have anything better to do. I hope you enjoy losing," The last comment was directed at SG-1 because it would make no sense for him to taunt his own team.
"I have plans, but not for many hours," Teal'c said, thinking of the girl in the bar he did not want to stand up.
"You're gonna go through with the date?" Gwen was surprised.
"Indeed."
Sam and Tosh were confused because they hadn't been at the bar, but Sam decided that this was something she'd inquire about in private, and Tosh didn't want to pry.
"Where are we gonna play?" Daniel was looking forward to the upcoming battle.
Ianto spoke up. "I know a place just a few blocks from here." He then proceeded to grab his jacket and lead the way out the cog door.
It didn't take them long to get there. Rather than climb into the SUV (9 fully grown adults in one SUV would not be pleasant), the two teams decided to walk instead, taunting each other the whole way. It was a chilly, crisp night, and their breath fogged in front of them as they laughed and stumbled down the streets together. Everyone was well-bundled up, Torchwood in their own coats of varying styles, and SG-1 in borrowed ones of varying size and appropriateness.
Owen had started trying to trash-talk Teal'c, dancing backwards. The Jaffa, wearing a bright yellow raincoat and a ski cap to cover his insignia, seemed very unfazed.
"Seriously, though, have you ever even played laser tag?" the doctor asked. "You have no chance!"
Teal'c eyed him, unimpressed. "I have indeed participated in this ritual several times," he confirmed. "And I believe, Doctor Owen Harper, that it is you who has no chance." With that, he gave the blank look that his teammates identified as "smug Teal'c" and the others couldn't yet differentiate from his other blank looks, and kept walking.
Owen looked slightly startled that his (incredibly witty) psychological warfare tactics had failed, and let the others pass him as he stood there, stunned. He realized after a moment that the rest of the group (including his own teammates) were laughing raucously at him, earning them strange looks from the woman across the street, her dark hair in pigtails.
"Oi!" he shouted at them after a moment, and followed quickly.
They arrived soon after at the site of their epic battle, and donned their gear with practiced ease. Laser tag seemed to be fairly the same across the continents (and universes), and a quick glance at the posted rules told SG-1 that they had nothing new to learn.
But Owen, quick to regain his dignity, attempted to explain it to them anyways. "Alright," he announced. "We're not playing a tactical mission here, so the goal is just to shoot as many of the other team that you can, and try not to get shot. Each time you're hit, you loose 1 health point. You only get 10. This," he hoisted his gun "is your weapon. You shoot it at other people..."
Sam laughed at him. "Yeah, we know how to play it."
O'Neill gave him a look. "Are you trying to stall? Because, if you don't want to play..."
"No!" Owen backtracked quickly. "I was just trying to even the playing field a little more. Make sure you lot all know what you're getting yourselves into."
This time, his Jack backed him up. "You folks sure you want to take on my team?" he asked. "We are the best, after all." He puffed himself up with pride.
Scoffing, the other Jack rolled his eyes. "The best in Cardiff?"
"We've never met anyone better."
"You're about to."
With those challenging words, our heroes decided to finally shut up and get down to fighting. The two teams strode into the arena purposefully and took their positions on either side of the room.
The battle was hardly fair. Most of Torchwood's tactical situations involved subduing unarmed aliens in small numbers. Most of SG-1's tactical situations involved fighting off entire armies of heavily armed/armored aliens that outnumbered them 4 to 1 on a good day.
Owen leaned stealthily around the corner. He was the team's best at sneak-attacks, and he sincerely doubted that SG-1 would have anyone better. Teal'c was the only one of them who seemed like warrior material, and he was far too big to sneak up on anyone. In Owen's trade, one had to be lithe, silent, aware, and completely....
He heard the gentle buzz of a well-laid hit touch his back, and turned around in shock.
Teal'c was standing less than a yard away from him.
"I believe, Dr. Owen Harper," the Jaffa said, "That you will be incapable of firing your weapon for sixty seconds."
"How?" gasped Owen, looking more and more like a fish with every passing second.
But Teal'c just bowed his head calmly. "My methods require years of training, Dr. Owen Harper," he explained. "Your questions are meaningless, and your confusion makes you resemble an aquatic life-form."
Across the arena, the two Jacks were busily engaging in an epic battle. O'Neill hid carefully, wishing that his vest wasn't quite so florescent, and wondering why the other Jack seemed so unafraid of getting hit.
He saw Daniel behind Harkness, sneaking up. O'Neill nodded, recognizing his friend's plan immediately. But he stopped when Daniel gestured behind him with his chin.
Turning abruptly, Jack saw Ianto, a few inches away from his face. He reacted automatically, diving on top of the other man, tackling him to the ground. They landed on the floor, Jack on top of the adorable Welshman. Somehow, completely defying all known laws of physics, their lips collided for the second time since this improbable adventure had began.
O'Neill gasped, everything fading except the feeling of the other man beneath him. Ianto was a surprisingly good kisser. Even unintentionally.
When they reluctantly pulled apart, Ianto grinned mischievously. "Sir?" he asked.
"It's my sidearm, I swear!" Jack insisted.
"Actually," Ianto replied, "It's your sidearm I'm thinking about." He gestured at the laser gun Jack was holding. "You going to shoot me now?"
Jack looked momentarily at the younger man. "No," he said softly. "I have a better idea."
Owen turned quickly, hearing someone behind him. But he relaxed when he saw what it was only Ianto. "Oi, tea boy," he hissed. "Where'd MacGyver go?"
"Right here," said a voice on his other side. Before Owen had a chance to turn, he felt the tell-tale vibration in his vest of someone shooting him. He squawked, sounding more like an annoying bird than his customary fish and glared at Ianto.
"You set me up!" he accused.
Ianto nodded solemnly.
Owen gaped. "How.... why?"
At this, the tea-boy shrugged and leaned in close to Owen. "He's cuter," Ianto whispered mischievously, and trotted away to go shoot Gwen. Owen glared.
"Is not," he muttered.
Despite the best efforts of SG-1 (and Ianto), it was a hard-won victory. Torchwood put up quite the fight and Tosh proved herself to be quite a good sniper. Captain Jack Harkness was little help, however, because even fixed points in time run out of health in laser tag - something he hadn't had to contend with in hundreds of years.
Daniel was the only member of SG-1 to run out of health, but ended the game with 1 left due to a mechanical glitch that resurrected him. Colonel Jack O'Neill thought that was the funniest thing that had ever happened to anyone. And, yes, he was counting that one time when Carter drank that stuff that made her...
"O'Neill," Teal'c's deep voice snapped Jack out of his thoughts. "As our leader, I believe it is you who must negotiate the terms of our victory."
"Wait a minute," Owen grumbled in surprise (What? You don't think Owen can grumble in surprise?), "I don't remember us agreeing to anything like that!"
Harkness looked as guilty as he could. "Jack and Teal'c approached me with a deal. I thought we'd win! Besides," he smirked at Daniel, "You're telling me you don't want them to have their way with us?"
Author: sinisterx18
Rating: PG-13
Crack!Pairings: Capt. Jack H./Daniel Jackson, Col. Jack O./Ianto Jones, Teal'c/OC, Owen Harper/Anise
Final Pairings: Capt. Jack H./Ianto Jones, Col. Jack O./Samantha Carter
Warnings: Spoilers for TW season 1 and SG-1 through season 4. Also massive amounts of crack.
Summary: Simultaneous accidents bring Torchwood and SG-1 together, but their attempts to fix the problem brings them together in ways they never expected.
AN: This is one of my favorite chapters. I think you'll love it too. Wacky hijinks and resurrection jokes! If you missed Chapter 1, you can read it here.
It was Myfanwy's fault, they decided. Or, at least, Toshiko's. She had left a chocolate bar next to the button. And Myfanwy, as Gwen protested loudly, couldn't know any better.
"We have to get back," Sam insisted. "We need to figure out how to keep us in our respective universes, and we don't have the resources to work on it here."
"Well," suggested Daniel, "We could try pressing the button on this end."
But Sam and Tosh shook their heads at the exact same time, causing both Jacks to simultaneously wonder if they were dopplegangers.
"We can't risk it," Sam explained. "If we activate the button from this end, there's a slight possibility that whomever is holding the button on the other end could be dragged into this universe themselves, without us being returned."
"Slight???" her Jack demanded angrily. "Carter..."
"I'm sorry!" she protested. "But I can't be more specific than that. The probability of that occurrence is impossible to estimate without knowing the exact proximity of our respective universes to one another on the entire plane of existence on which we..."
But by this point, he wasn't particularly listening to her anymore. “Woah!” O’Neill yelled, looking at the timestamp on Tosh’s computer.
“What is it, sir?” asked Sam.
“We appear to have only been gone from this universe for five hours.” (If you can’t figure out who said this, you’re dumb.)
Ianto nudged Sam and whispered, “You call your Jack ‘sir’ too?”
Sam just shot him a funny look. She was disinclined to justify this question with a response. So instead she talked to Teal’c. “The buttons seem to return people to five hours after they left. Probably to maintain a stable connection between the two universes through the Rift on this end."
“Great,” Harkness snarked. “Can we go bowling?”
"Jaaack," Gwen massacred the "a" in her customary manner, "Why would we want to go bowling?"
"Sammy said we can't work on the problem here, so we might as well have fun!"
"Harkness! Do not call my major "Sammy" unless you have a death wish." Jack was glad Teal'c had placed himself between an irate Major Carter and an obnoxious man who had the audacity to share his name. "Also, bowling is not fun. Laser tag is fun."
At the mention of laser tag, Sam's eyes lit up in an excited way with no hint of Goa'uldiness. "SG-1 vs. Torchwood?" she asked hopefully. Just because Torchwood also fought aliens didn't mean SG-1 would have any trouble beating them soundly. A crack military special-ops unit they were not.
"You're on." Owen agreed (without consulting anyone). When the others began to protest, he added, "What? Like you don't wanna prove we're better than they are."
"But Owen!" Gwen always sounded like she was making fun of Owen by over annunciating the "o". "It wouldn't be fair, we have one more person."
"Doesn't matter. We'll still win." O'Neill was confident in his team's ability to smoke the members of Torchwood. Daniel had finally become a valuable asset in a fire-fight instead of a liability.
Captain Jack Harkness finally nodded his assent. "Not nearly as much fun as bowling, but it's not like we have anything better to do. I hope you enjoy losing," The last comment was directed at SG-1 because it would make no sense for him to taunt his own team.
"I have plans, but not for many hours," Teal'c said, thinking of the girl in the bar he did not want to stand up.
"You're gonna go through with the date?" Gwen was surprised.
"Indeed."
Sam and Tosh were confused because they hadn't been at the bar, but Sam decided that this was something she'd inquire about in private, and Tosh didn't want to pry.
"Where are we gonna play?" Daniel was looking forward to the upcoming battle.
Ianto spoke up. "I know a place just a few blocks from here." He then proceeded to grab his jacket and lead the way out the cog door.
It didn't take them long to get there. Rather than climb into the SUV (9 fully grown adults in one SUV would not be pleasant), the two teams decided to walk instead, taunting each other the whole way. It was a chilly, crisp night, and their breath fogged in front of them as they laughed and stumbled down the streets together. Everyone was well-bundled up, Torchwood in their own coats of varying styles, and SG-1 in borrowed ones of varying size and appropriateness.
Owen had started trying to trash-talk Teal'c, dancing backwards. The Jaffa, wearing a bright yellow raincoat and a ski cap to cover his insignia, seemed very unfazed.
"Seriously, though, have you ever even played laser tag?" the doctor asked. "You have no chance!"
Teal'c eyed him, unimpressed. "I have indeed participated in this ritual several times," he confirmed. "And I believe, Doctor Owen Harper, that it is you who has no chance." With that, he gave the blank look that his teammates identified as "smug Teal'c" and the others couldn't yet differentiate from his other blank looks, and kept walking.
Owen looked slightly startled that his (incredibly witty) psychological warfare tactics had failed, and let the others pass him as he stood there, stunned. He realized after a moment that the rest of the group (including his own teammates) were laughing raucously at him, earning them strange looks from the woman across the street, her dark hair in pigtails.
"Oi!" he shouted at them after a moment, and followed quickly.
They arrived soon after at the site of their epic battle, and donned their gear with practiced ease. Laser tag seemed to be fairly the same across the continents (and universes), and a quick glance at the posted rules told SG-1 that they had nothing new to learn.
But Owen, quick to regain his dignity, attempted to explain it to them anyways. "Alright," he announced. "We're not playing a tactical mission here, so the goal is just to shoot as many of the other team that you can, and try not to get shot. Each time you're hit, you loose 1 health point. You only get 10. This," he hoisted his gun "is your weapon. You shoot it at other people..."
Sam laughed at him. "Yeah, we know how to play it."
O'Neill gave him a look. "Are you trying to stall? Because, if you don't want to play..."
"No!" Owen backtracked quickly. "I was just trying to even the playing field a little more. Make sure you lot all know what you're getting yourselves into."
This time, his Jack backed him up. "You folks sure you want to take on my team?" he asked. "We are the best, after all." He puffed himself up with pride.
Scoffing, the other Jack rolled his eyes. "The best in Cardiff?"
"We've never met anyone better."
"You're about to."
With those challenging words, our heroes decided to finally shut up and get down to fighting. The two teams strode into the arena purposefully and took their positions on either side of the room.
The battle was hardly fair. Most of Torchwood's tactical situations involved subduing unarmed aliens in small numbers. Most of SG-1's tactical situations involved fighting off entire armies of heavily armed/armored aliens that outnumbered them 4 to 1 on a good day.
Owen leaned stealthily around the corner. He was the team's best at sneak-attacks, and he sincerely doubted that SG-1 would have anyone better. Teal'c was the only one of them who seemed like warrior material, and he was far too big to sneak up on anyone. In Owen's trade, one had to be lithe, silent, aware, and completely....
He heard the gentle buzz of a well-laid hit touch his back, and turned around in shock.
Teal'c was standing less than a yard away from him.
"I believe, Dr. Owen Harper," the Jaffa said, "That you will be incapable of firing your weapon for sixty seconds."
"How?" gasped Owen, looking more and more like a fish with every passing second.
But Teal'c just bowed his head calmly. "My methods require years of training, Dr. Owen Harper," he explained. "Your questions are meaningless, and your confusion makes you resemble an aquatic life-form."
Across the arena, the two Jacks were busily engaging in an epic battle. O'Neill hid carefully, wishing that his vest wasn't quite so florescent, and wondering why the other Jack seemed so unafraid of getting hit.
He saw Daniel behind Harkness, sneaking up. O'Neill nodded, recognizing his friend's plan immediately. But he stopped when Daniel gestured behind him with his chin.
Turning abruptly, Jack saw Ianto, a few inches away from his face. He reacted automatically, diving on top of the other man, tackling him to the ground. They landed on the floor, Jack on top of the adorable Welshman. Somehow, completely defying all known laws of physics, their lips collided for the second time since this improbable adventure had began.
O'Neill gasped, everything fading except the feeling of the other man beneath him. Ianto was a surprisingly good kisser. Even unintentionally.
When they reluctantly pulled apart, Ianto grinned mischievously. "Sir?" he asked.
"It's my sidearm, I swear!" Jack insisted.
"Actually," Ianto replied, "It's your sidearm I'm thinking about." He gestured at the laser gun Jack was holding. "You going to shoot me now?"
Jack looked momentarily at the younger man. "No," he said softly. "I have a better idea."
Owen turned quickly, hearing someone behind him. But he relaxed when he saw what it was only Ianto. "Oi, tea boy," he hissed. "Where'd MacGyver go?"
"Right here," said a voice on his other side. Before Owen had a chance to turn, he felt the tell-tale vibration in his vest of someone shooting him. He squawked, sounding more like an annoying bird than his customary fish and glared at Ianto.
"You set me up!" he accused.
Ianto nodded solemnly.
Owen gaped. "How.... why?"
At this, the tea-boy shrugged and leaned in close to Owen. "He's cuter," Ianto whispered mischievously, and trotted away to go shoot Gwen. Owen glared.
"Is not," he muttered.
Despite the best efforts of SG-1 (and Ianto), it was a hard-won victory. Torchwood put up quite the fight and Tosh proved herself to be quite a good sniper. Captain Jack Harkness was little help, however, because even fixed points in time run out of health in laser tag - something he hadn't had to contend with in hundreds of years.
Daniel was the only member of SG-1 to run out of health, but ended the game with 1 left due to a mechanical glitch that resurrected him. Colonel Jack O'Neill thought that was the funniest thing that had ever happened to anyone. And, yes, he was counting that one time when Carter drank that stuff that made her...
"O'Neill," Teal'c's deep voice snapped Jack out of his thoughts. "As our leader, I believe it is you who must negotiate the terms of our victory."
"Wait a minute," Owen grumbled in surprise (What? You don't think Owen can grumble in surprise?), "I don't remember us agreeing to anything like that!"
Harkness looked as guilty as he could. "Jack and Teal'c approached me with a deal. I thought we'd win! Besides," he smirked at Daniel, "You're telling me you don't want them to have their way with us?"