Here's to the Past (2/12?)
Story: Here's to the Past
Chapter: Two
Words: ~3700 in total
Pairing: Finn & Quinn
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or the canon characters, but I own the Hudson children, as this is a future fic.
The words rang in Quinn's head over and over and over. A part of her wondered if she hadn't slipped into some kind of dream state or something, because seeing her daughter after so many years, and finding that she had grown up to be such a beautiful girl seemed too good to be true.
"I'm Quinn. I'm your mom."
The words were harder to say than what she'd thought. She needed to cry, but she didn't want to cry, not in front of Beth. She felt Finn squeeze her hand and she flashed him a small smile, before turning her attention back to Beth. "Please, sit down," she nodded, gesturing to a chair and watching as Beth sat in exactly the same way as she did.
"I know this is very sudden, but I've been wanting to find you for a long time. My mother, Shelby, wouldn't help me find you again. It took me forever to even find that you once lived in Lima. I found some old glee stuff on the internet... I had no idea if you were still in town or not, but I thought I'd at least try," Beth explained, sighing as she looked down at her lap.
"It's fine. I'm happy to see you. We're happy to see you," Quinn insisted, glancing at Finn who nodded in support of her statement.
"But I thought you said that you weren't my dad?" Beth asked, confused.
"Well, no, I'm not - but for a while I actually thought you were my little girl," Finn frowned, clearly still in pain, no matter how long ago it had happened.
"I really wanted Finn to be your dad, so badly, but he wasn't the father. It's kind of a long story," Quinn admitted, sighing.
"I hope I'm not asking too much of you but...would you mind telling me? You know, the story... I came out here because I wanted to find you. Learn a little bit about you, why you gave me up. I've always wondered, but my mom doesn't like to talk about it..." Beth sighed, fiddling nervously with the ends of her hair.
It took Quinn a minute, but she gave a slight nod. "Yes...I've always wanted you to know that I didn't give you up because I didn't love you. I loved you so much, and I still do, that I knew I had to give you up to give you the kind of life you deserve. So, of course I'll tell you what happened," she smiled.
Beth looked highly relieved, and Finn flashed them both a grin. "I'm going to go check on Caroline, because I'm sure she's not happy, so I'll be back in a minute," he interjected, kissing the side of Quinn's head as she gave him a nod. Watching as he made his way to their daughter's bedroom, Quinn sighed and turned her attention back to Beth.
"So if Finn's not..., then who is?" Beth asked, her hands wringing uncomfortably in her lap. The silence in the house was almost deafening. There were brief chuckles or sighs coming from Caroline's room, but other than that, it was now quiet. Oh so quiet.
"Noah Puckerman," Quinn finally replied, looking down at the floor. It never got any less embarrassing, no matter how many times she said it.
"Wait... not-" Beth began, before being cut off by Quinn.
"Pucky Puck, yes. Your father is Pucky Puck..." she sighed, running a hand through her long, blonde locks. "Way back before he was Pucky Puck, he was Noah Puckerman - or just Puck, actually, and that's when you were conceived."
"Well, I'm not surprised - I mean, I bet he was a bad ass just like now. Who wouldn't be attracted to that?" Beth supposed. She had heard of Pucky Puck. Everyone had heard of Pucky Puck. It had been that way for years.
"I wasn't, actually," Quinn insisted, biting down on her lip. "He was attractive, sure, but I wasn't attracted to him... my hear's only really ever belonged to one person, and that's Finn..."
"So how -"
"I know this sounds terrible, but it was a mistake. Sleeping with Puck with a mistake. I'm not saying that you were a mistake, but I shouldn't have slept with Puck that night. It almost cost me everything. It almost cost me Finn," Quinn mumbled, the pain in her voice evident.
"Well, how did you get it all back?" Beth wondered, sounding genuinely curious.
"I think, before I can tell you how I got it all back, you have to understand how I lost it all first," she sighed, closing her eyes. It was going to be a long night...
It was only when she heard the words, "I'm done with you" that Quinn Fabray realized just how much she had screwed up and just what she had lost. It was also the first time where she knew that I love you couldn't fix things.
But Quinn did love Finn.
She had just never realized how much she loved him until the second she lost him. And Quinn knew that there was no turning back from this. No reconciliation. It wasn't like the time that Finn had forgotten about their four month anniversary. He had nearly burnt her house down trying to cook her dinner and she had come home to the fire alarm going off, but it was one of those things where the gesture counted more than the actual result. They'd gone out for Breadsticks and then come back home where she'd let him fondle her breast - over the shirt of course, after all she was Quinn Fabray, president of the celibacy club. But no amount of over the shirt breast fondling, or even under the shirt breast fondling for that matter, was going to be able to fix this. The look in Finn's eyes - she had never seen anyone so angry, but more importantly, she had never seen anyone looking more hurt. If she could take it all back, she would, in a heartbeat, but she had given into temptation in the form of Noah Puckerman and she would spend the rest of her life suffering the repercussions.
After everything was said and done and Finn had found out, she had moved to the benches in the hall before being bombarded first by Manhands and then by Puck, but she just really needed to be alone, to be with her thoughts, and figure out what the hell she was going to do now. She knew that she was going to have to move out of Finn's house, but where was she going to go? She didn't have a clue, but all she wanted was just to leave school, leave this place, and be alone. So she ran out to her car.
Why, whenever she needed to cry, was it always raining? Every single time. By the time she reaches her car, she's drenched, and shivering. As she watches the rain pound down around her from inside the safety of her car, she's reminded of what she used to say every time she would pair up for the immaculate affection - if the balloon pop, the noise makes the angels cry. Quinn believes the angels are really crying today, and that's why it's raining. They're disappointed in her. She's going to straight to hell, and she deserves it. She's been going to hell since her last day of Bible camp, and she knows it.
As she presses her forehead to the steering wheel, she thinks about that , she was kind of apprehensive about Bible camp. Sure, it was only a day camp, but really? It sounds bad. She decided she wasn't going to tell anyone about it, except for Finn because he had to understand why she could never hang out with him during the day that summer. The last night of camp, her parents aren't home, so she invites him over. They plan to watch a movie, but they don't get past the opening credits before her lips are on his and she's pushing him down onto the sofa. She likes kissing Finn. Loves it, even. His lips are so soft and they're gentle against hers. Her small frame fits perfectly against his and she loves the way his hand moves along her side and down her thigh. As it makes its way back up, his fingers brush against her inner thigh and she has to bite back her moan as she feels herself get a little damp. He does it a few more times, but when his hand comes to rest on her butt, giving it a shy squeeze, she panics and pulls away, telling him that they should pray.
She can hear the frustration in his sigh and she almost gives in - almost, because she frustrated too. Then she realizes the devil is tempting her and finishes her prayer. She leans back in after she prays and at first, their kisses are more chaste. They still send shivers down her spine, but they're nothing compared to the kisses that come a few minute later. Her tongue is tangling with his and his hand is pressing into the small of her back, pushing her down onto his hips, pushing her against something hard. She knows what the something is, because she's not stupid, and she can't help letting out a small moan knowing she can do that to him. Then she panics again and pulls away. He looks confused and she's breathing heavily, staring at him.
She wonders what Jesus would want her to do right then and there. She wants to touch it and feel it but she doesn't think Jesus would approve. But she's still curious. So she decides that maybe if she just feels him through his jeans, that would be okay. Technically she's not touching anything, just his jeans, so she thinks she's in the clear. She explains her dilemma to Finn and asks if he'll let her feel him up...not in those words, but that's what she wants to do. She inches herself closer to him and tentatively brushes her hand up against the bulge in his pants. It's a big bulge. That's the only way she can describe it. It's just big. His lips part and his head tilts back, and he says her name in a way that she's never quite heard before, but she likes. Since he seemed to like it too, she decides to do it again and his reaction is far from the same. He freaks out and shouts "mailman!" and it scares her. When she asks him what mailman means and he reluctantly tells her, she decides it's God way of trying to punish her for being so impure. They spend the rest of the night watching their movie in silence, on opposite sides of the sofa and when he leaves, her panties are still slightly wet. She throws them out and she never lets herself get that close to Finn again.
Two weeks later, she feels fat, and Finn has to help his mom with house chores so he can't come by to tell her that she's not. And honestly, her parents aren't home and she's scared of being alone with Finn again. She's afraid she won't be able to stop herself this time. She's afraid of wanting Finn too much and of doing something impure. But she needs someone to tell her she's not fat, so she calls up Puck and asks him if he'll come over. He tells her she's hot all the time, even if she knows it makes her uncomfortable, but she needs to hear it tonight. She doesn't expect the wine coolers, and underage drinking is wrong, she knows that, but the label says 0.5%. She doesn't think she can get drunk off of that.
She's wrong.
After her fourth one, she feels a little...she's not sure. She doesn't feel like herself. Puck kisses her and even if she knows it's wrong, she doesn't resist him. His hand travels up her leg and all those feelings that Finn was making her feel start happening again. She feels her temperature rising and her eyelids flutter shut. When Puck's hand pushes past her thigh, to her center, she makes that same noise that she heard Finn make. She understands why Finn had trouble with the mail now. She knows it's wrong. It feels wrong. She wants it to be Finn. She knows it should be Finn. For a while, she pretends it's his hand and it feels so good. She almost moans his name by mistake. She gets the F- out and then she realizes it's Puck who's there so she adds an -uck and hopes he doesn't notice her blunder, not thinking what the two sounds together make. She's drunk. She doesn't have that kind of reasoning anymore. Her panties are off and Puck's hand is touching her and it just feels so good. She knows it's wrong, she knows it's so wrong, that Jesus will be mad at her. But she's mad at Jesus for making her feel fat. So they'll be fair and square and it doesn't really matter, does it? That's when she gives herself over to Puck. She only realizes it's wrong when out of habit, she does the same thing she does every night right before she lets sleep win the battle with her eyelids - she looks over at the picture of Finn on her night stand and says, "I love you."
Quinn was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of Puck knocking on her window, asking to be let in. As she opened the passenger's side door for him, she knew it was over. She had lost Finn that night. She had given into temptation and she would have to suffer for it now, whether she liked it or not.
Chapter: Two
Words: ~3700 in total
Pairing: Finn & Quinn
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or the canon characters, but I own the Hudson children, as this is a future fic.
The words rang in Quinn's head over and over and over. A part of her wondered if she hadn't slipped into some kind of dream state or something, because seeing her daughter after so many years, and finding that she had grown up to be such a beautiful girl seemed too good to be true.
"I'm Quinn. I'm your mom."
The words were harder to say than what she'd thought. She needed to cry, but she didn't want to cry, not in front of Beth. She felt Finn squeeze her hand and she flashed him a small smile, before turning her attention back to Beth. "Please, sit down," she nodded, gesturing to a chair and watching as Beth sat in exactly the same way as she did.
"I know this is very sudden, but I've been wanting to find you for a long time. My mother, Shelby, wouldn't help me find you again. It took me forever to even find that you once lived in Lima. I found some old glee stuff on the internet... I had no idea if you were still in town or not, but I thought I'd at least try," Beth explained, sighing as she looked down at her lap.
"It's fine. I'm happy to see you. We're happy to see you," Quinn insisted, glancing at Finn who nodded in support of her statement.
"But I thought you said that you weren't my dad?" Beth asked, confused.
"Well, no, I'm not - but for a while I actually thought you were my little girl," Finn frowned, clearly still in pain, no matter how long ago it had happened.
"I really wanted Finn to be your dad, so badly, but he wasn't the father. It's kind of a long story," Quinn admitted, sighing.
"I hope I'm not asking too much of you but...would you mind telling me? You know, the story... I came out here because I wanted to find you. Learn a little bit about you, why you gave me up. I've always wondered, but my mom doesn't like to talk about it..." Beth sighed, fiddling nervously with the ends of her hair.
It took Quinn a minute, but she gave a slight nod. "Yes...I've always wanted you to know that I didn't give you up because I didn't love you. I loved you so much, and I still do, that I knew I had to give you up to give you the kind of life you deserve. So, of course I'll tell you what happened," she smiled.
Beth looked highly relieved, and Finn flashed them both a grin. "I'm going to go check on Caroline, because I'm sure she's not happy, so I'll be back in a minute," he interjected, kissing the side of Quinn's head as she gave him a nod. Watching as he made his way to their daughter's bedroom, Quinn sighed and turned her attention back to Beth.
"So if Finn's not..., then who is?" Beth asked, her hands wringing uncomfortably in her lap. The silence in the house was almost deafening. There were brief chuckles or sighs coming from Caroline's room, but other than that, it was now quiet. Oh so quiet.
"Noah Puckerman," Quinn finally replied, looking down at the floor. It never got any less embarrassing, no matter how many times she said it.
"Wait... not-" Beth began, before being cut off by Quinn.
"Pucky Puck, yes. Your father is Pucky Puck..." she sighed, running a hand through her long, blonde locks. "Way back before he was Pucky Puck, he was Noah Puckerman - or just Puck, actually, and that's when you were conceived."
"Well, I'm not surprised - I mean, I bet he was a bad ass just like now. Who wouldn't be attracted to that?" Beth supposed. She had heard of Pucky Puck. Everyone had heard of Pucky Puck. It had been that way for years.
"I wasn't, actually," Quinn insisted, biting down on her lip. "He was attractive, sure, but I wasn't attracted to him... my hear's only really ever belonged to one person, and that's Finn..."
"So how -"
"I know this sounds terrible, but it was a mistake. Sleeping with Puck with a mistake. I'm not saying that you were a mistake, but I shouldn't have slept with Puck that night. It almost cost me everything. It almost cost me Finn," Quinn mumbled, the pain in her voice evident.
"Well, how did you get it all back?" Beth wondered, sounding genuinely curious.
"I think, before I can tell you how I got it all back, you have to understand how I lost it all first," she sighed, closing her eyes. It was going to be a long night...
It was only when she heard the words, "I'm done with you" that Quinn Fabray realized just how much she had screwed up and just what she had lost. It was also the first time where she knew that I love you couldn't fix things.
But Quinn did love Finn.
She had just never realized how much she loved him until the second she lost him. And Quinn knew that there was no turning back from this. No reconciliation. It wasn't like the time that Finn had forgotten about their four month anniversary. He had nearly burnt her house down trying to cook her dinner and she had come home to the fire alarm going off, but it was one of those things where the gesture counted more than the actual result. They'd gone out for Breadsticks and then come back home where she'd let him fondle her breast - over the shirt of course, after all she was Quinn Fabray, president of the celibacy club. But no amount of over the shirt breast fondling, or even under the shirt breast fondling for that matter, was going to be able to fix this. The look in Finn's eyes - she had never seen anyone so angry, but more importantly, she had never seen anyone looking more hurt. If she could take it all back, she would, in a heartbeat, but she had given into temptation in the form of Noah Puckerman and she would spend the rest of her life suffering the repercussions.
After everything was said and done and Finn had found out, she had moved to the benches in the hall before being bombarded first by Manhands and then by Puck, but she just really needed to be alone, to be with her thoughts, and figure out what the hell she was going to do now. She knew that she was going to have to move out of Finn's house, but where was she going to go? She didn't have a clue, but all she wanted was just to leave school, leave this place, and be alone. So she ran out to her car.
Why, whenever she needed to cry, was it always raining? Every single time. By the time she reaches her car, she's drenched, and shivering. As she watches the rain pound down around her from inside the safety of her car, she's reminded of what she used to say every time she would pair up for the immaculate affection - if the balloon pop, the noise makes the angels cry. Quinn believes the angels are really crying today, and that's why it's raining. They're disappointed in her. She's going to straight to hell, and she deserves it. She's been going to hell since her last day of Bible camp, and she knows it.
As she presses her forehead to the steering wheel, she thinks about that , she was kind of apprehensive about Bible camp. Sure, it was only a day camp, but really? It sounds bad. She decided she wasn't going to tell anyone about it, except for Finn because he had to understand why she could never hang out with him during the day that summer. The last night of camp, her parents aren't home, so she invites him over. They plan to watch a movie, but they don't get past the opening credits before her lips are on his and she's pushing him down onto the sofa. She likes kissing Finn. Loves it, even. His lips are so soft and they're gentle against hers. Her small frame fits perfectly against his and she loves the way his hand moves along her side and down her thigh. As it makes its way back up, his fingers brush against her inner thigh and she has to bite back her moan as she feels herself get a little damp. He does it a few more times, but when his hand comes to rest on her butt, giving it a shy squeeze, she panics and pulls away, telling him that they should pray.
She can hear the frustration in his sigh and she almost gives in - almost, because she frustrated too. Then she realizes the devil is tempting her and finishes her prayer. She leans back in after she prays and at first, their kisses are more chaste. They still send shivers down her spine, but they're nothing compared to the kisses that come a few minute later. Her tongue is tangling with his and his hand is pressing into the small of her back, pushing her down onto his hips, pushing her against something hard. She knows what the something is, because she's not stupid, and she can't help letting out a small moan knowing she can do that to him. Then she panics again and pulls away. He looks confused and she's breathing heavily, staring at him.
She wonders what Jesus would want her to do right then and there. She wants to touch it and feel it but she doesn't think Jesus would approve. But she's still curious. So she decides that maybe if she just feels him through his jeans, that would be okay. Technically she's not touching anything, just his jeans, so she thinks she's in the clear. She explains her dilemma to Finn and asks if he'll let her feel him up...not in those words, but that's what she wants to do. She inches herself closer to him and tentatively brushes her hand up against the bulge in his pants. It's a big bulge. That's the only way she can describe it. It's just big. His lips part and his head tilts back, and he says her name in a way that she's never quite heard before, but she likes. Since he seemed to like it too, she decides to do it again and his reaction is far from the same. He freaks out and shouts "mailman!" and it scares her. When she asks him what mailman means and he reluctantly tells her, she decides it's God way of trying to punish her for being so impure. They spend the rest of the night watching their movie in silence, on opposite sides of the sofa and when he leaves, her panties are still slightly wet. She throws them out and she never lets herself get that close to Finn again.
Two weeks later, she feels fat, and Finn has to help his mom with house chores so he can't come by to tell her that she's not. And honestly, her parents aren't home and she's scared of being alone with Finn again. She's afraid she won't be able to stop herself this time. She's afraid of wanting Finn too much and of doing something impure. But she needs someone to tell her she's not fat, so she calls up Puck and asks him if he'll come over. He tells her she's hot all the time, even if she knows it makes her uncomfortable, but she needs to hear it tonight. She doesn't expect the wine coolers, and underage drinking is wrong, she knows that, but the label says 0.5%. She doesn't think she can get drunk off of that.
She's wrong.
After her fourth one, she feels a little...she's not sure. She doesn't feel like herself. Puck kisses her and even if she knows it's wrong, she doesn't resist him. His hand travels up her leg and all those feelings that Finn was making her feel start happening again. She feels her temperature rising and her eyelids flutter shut. When Puck's hand pushes past her thigh, to her center, she makes that same noise that she heard Finn make. She understands why Finn had trouble with the mail now. She knows it's wrong. It feels wrong. She wants it to be Finn. She knows it should be Finn. For a while, she pretends it's his hand and it feels so good. She almost moans his name by mistake. She gets the F- out and then she realizes it's Puck who's there so she adds an -uck and hopes he doesn't notice her blunder, not thinking what the two sounds together make. She's drunk. She doesn't have that kind of reasoning anymore. Her panties are off and Puck's hand is touching her and it just feels so good. She knows it's wrong, she knows it's so wrong, that Jesus will be mad at her. But she's mad at Jesus for making her feel fat. So they'll be fair and square and it doesn't really matter, does it? That's when she gives herself over to Puck. She only realizes it's wrong when out of habit, she does the same thing she does every night right before she lets sleep win the battle with her eyelids - she looks over at the picture of Finn on her night stand and says, "I love you."
Quinn was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of Puck knocking on her window, asking to be let in. As she opened the passenger's side door for him, she knew it was over. She had lost Finn that night. She had given into temptation and she would have to suffer for it now, whether she liked it or not.