[TEXT ======> VIDEO]
IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I PUBLICALLY ADDRESSED ALL YOU NOOKSUCKING BULGEMUNCHERS TO INFORM YOU WHAT A USELESS BUNCH OF SADSACK FUCKWITS YOU ALL ARE.
SO HERE’S ME.
DOING THAT.
BUT I’M NOT GOING TO WASTE MY LIFE AND LIFE AWAY ADDRESSING HOW NOTORIOUSLY FEEBLE PANNED YOU LOT ARE.
BECAUSE, SERIOUSLY, I WOULD BE WASTING MY *LIFE*.
I WOULD SIT HERE, TYPING UNTIL MY PRONGS DECIDED TO MUTINY OUT OF SHEER AGONY AND STUFF THEMSELVES UP MY WASTECHUTE TO ESCAPE MY FURY.
UNSURPRISINGLY, BECAUSE MY PRONGS ARE AS DEDICATED AS I AM, THIS WOULD BE AT LEAST TWENTY SEVEN SWEEPS AFTER I STARTED BERATING YOU DOUCHEFUCKS.
THAT IS HOW LONG I WOULD LAST IN LISTING YOUR MANY FAILURES AND SHORTCOMINGS.
TWENTY SEVEN SWEEPS.
TWENTY SEVEN.
BUT TODAY ISN'T THE DAY I BEGIN THAT LONG QUEST OF TELLING YOU (THIS IS A COLLECTIVE "YOU" REFERRING TO ANYONE READING RIGHT NOW) THAT YOU'RE (STILL COLLECTIVE) FUCKING STUPID.
TODAY IS THE DAY I EDUCATE YOU.
TODAY IS THE DAY I BLESS YOU WITH MY KNOWLEDGE THAT I'VE GATHERED.
TODAY IS THE DAY I TELL YOU ABOUT ROBOTS.
SO, WHAT IS A ROBOT??????
LET’S START WITH THE OBVIOUS. CONSIDERING THE AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE OF ASSHOLES ON THIS STATION IS PRECICELY MEASURED AS A NEGATIVE FUCKTON (ACTUAL MEASUREMENT), I’M GOING TO HAVE TO WALK YOU THROUGH THIS LIKE A LUSUS WITH A GRUBLEASH.
COME ALONG, WIGGLERS. COME ALONG AND ADVENTURE THE WIDE, VARIED, AND APPALLING WORLD OF ROBOTS.
SO, AS YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED, THERE ARE MANY TYPES OF ROBOTS. ALL OF THEM ARE TERRIBLE, AND ALL OF THEM ARE WAITING FOR THE MOMENT TO FUCK WITH YOUR LIFE.
THROUGH RESEARCH AND JUST BEING A GODDAMN GENIUS IN GENERAL, I’VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT THE DIFFERENT TYPES AND THEIR WAYS.
AND NOW, OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF MY BLOOD PUMP (NOT REALLY, I’M JUST DOING THIS SO MY PEOPLE DON’T GET FUCKED UP ANYMORE. FUCK THE REST OF YOU GUYS), I’M HERE TO SCHOOLFEED YOU.
[ The video clicks on, and there are two things to notice. Karkat has various scraps of paper with illustrations on them, and he isn’t wearing a shirt. Instead, his pants are hiked up to his armpits, probably resulting in the worst wedgie in existence. Even if that’s the case, he makes no mention of it. Instead, he shoves his FIRST PICTURE up to the recorder. ]
We’re starting with your typical robot. It looks something like this. They clang around the place like they’re important, which, we all know, is bullshit. They’re barely capable of rubbing two fucking electrons together, so they act on instinct alone. What’s that instinct, my favorite genius, Vantas?
That instinct is to fuck your shit up.
Note the metallic limbs and body structure. [ point. ] Note how it shines. [ point. ] All of these things can and will be used against you. Punching and stabbing these assholes is difficult and shouldn’t be attempted by puny, pathetic humans. No, seriously. You guys are way too fucking squishy to stand a chance. Get some nonshitty weapons, and maybe. But even then, you don’t stand much of a chance. Your killingmanship is pukingly terrible.
Under no circumstance are you to sit around, prongs up your sniff nodes, justifying the humanity of robots. I swear to fuck, I will use your own prongs to scratch at your fucking think sponge in the vague hopes that tearing it out will make you less retarded.
Got it? Moving on. Keep in mind, there’s going to be a fucking test on this shit when we’re done. If you don’t pass, the meteor of my rage will grind your ass into dust.
[ Karkat switches to the NEXT PICTURE ]
Robolimbs. Sure, you fucks think it’s a convenient solution to your “OH SHIT MY ARM JUST GOT CHOPPED THE FUCK OFF” needs, but it is a TERRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD IDEA. Why?
Because that shit can be turned against you. Look at this picture. Look at this dirty beach hobo. He is hurting himself with his own disobedient limb. He no longer has control of his own fucking body. And that’s what’s going to happen to you. It doesn’t take much for one of those manipulative shits to figure out a way to make you kick yourself to death. And-slash-or strangle yourself. Or, like… Stab a robot finger into your eye. Or explode your internal organs. Or… I guess maybe, like… Make you infect yourself with some fatal friendship disease. Or--
BASICALLY, bad stuff. It’s happening to you. MOVING ON.
[ NEXT PICTURE ]
The “GPS.” Or “Goddamn Prongseating Secretkeeper.” They issue directions to the robot motherland, which is somewhere called “Canadia.” I’ve yet to find Canadia, but when I do… When I do…. [ TRAILS OFF OMINOUSLY. ]
Oh, shit. Yeah. Still recording. Fuck. Okay, NEXT.
[ NEXT PICTURE ]
This is Shodan. She’s a bitch. I actually. Uh. Have no fucking clue what she looks like, but I think Jack said something like this so DEAL WITH IT. Let me reiterate: She’s a bitch. She, and all the other high functioning robots, like to kidnap the shit out of trolls, mutilate them into mindless robofuckbuddies, and use them to drag more assholes into whatever she’s deemed as her lair. And, for some ungodly reason, she’s done this twice. TWICE. YOU THINK WE’D FUCKING LEARN THE FIRST TIME, BUT NOOOOOOOOOO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. That would be expecting TOO. GODDAMN. MUCH. FUCK.
[ And then he tears the picture of Shodan to pieces. With his teeth. ]
NEXT FUCKER, HERE WE GO.
[ He pulls the NEXT PICTURE. ]
AM. We just dealt with this. He was, like, a hive or some shit. There was also a volcano. Don’t know if he controlled it or not, but it was a bitch to deal with. If I have to fucking explain shit about AM, I am just going launch myself into space through the sheer force of my ire. That one planet we always fucking forget about will explode when I impact, as I punch through it like a warm cutting utensil through dairy-based spread.
[ NEXT PICTURE ]
I actually… Don’t fucking know if these guys are robots or not. I’ve heard the bullshit description “Program” thrown around like a harpoon at a whale, but in Karkat’s Dictionary of FUCK YOU, that’s a synonym for “GODDAMN ROBOTS.” DON’T TRY TO JUSTIFY YOURSELF TO ME, YOU RADIOACTIVE SHITSTAINS. DON’T EVEN TRY IT.
[ NEXT PICTURE ]
I don’t even know this bitch’s name, but she’s probably the most NOOKFONDLING GRUBRUBBING CONCEITED PIECE OF SHIT I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF MEETNIG. ALSO PROBABLY A ROBOT. SPACE SHIPS ARE ROBOTS, YOU DOUCHEFUCK. FUCK YOU, WOMAN. FUCK. YOU.
[ He also tears this one apart with his teeth. ]
Alright, so. Are you assholes educated yet? You’re fucking welcome. [ He offers a parting middle finger, adjusts the pants about his chest, and cuts off the feed. ]
SO HERE’S ME.
DOING THAT.
BUT I’M NOT GOING TO WASTE MY LIFE AND LIFE AWAY ADDRESSING HOW NOTORIOUSLY FEEBLE PANNED YOU LOT ARE.
BECAUSE, SERIOUSLY, I WOULD BE WASTING MY *LIFE*.
I WOULD SIT HERE, TYPING UNTIL MY PRONGS DECIDED TO MUTINY OUT OF SHEER AGONY AND STUFF THEMSELVES UP MY WASTECHUTE TO ESCAPE MY FURY.
UNSURPRISINGLY, BECAUSE MY PRONGS ARE AS DEDICATED AS I AM, THIS WOULD BE AT LEAST TWENTY SEVEN SWEEPS AFTER I STARTED BERATING YOU DOUCHEFUCKS.
THAT IS HOW LONG I WOULD LAST IN LISTING YOUR MANY FAILURES AND SHORTCOMINGS.
TWENTY SEVEN SWEEPS.
TWENTY SEVEN.
BUT TODAY ISN'T THE DAY I BEGIN THAT LONG QUEST OF TELLING YOU (THIS IS A COLLECTIVE "YOU" REFERRING TO ANYONE READING RIGHT NOW) THAT YOU'RE (STILL COLLECTIVE) FUCKING STUPID.
TODAY IS THE DAY I EDUCATE YOU.
TODAY IS THE DAY I BLESS YOU WITH MY KNOWLEDGE THAT I'VE GATHERED.
TODAY IS THE DAY I TELL YOU ABOUT ROBOTS.
SO, WHAT IS A ROBOT??????
LET’S START WITH THE OBVIOUS. CONSIDERING THE AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE OF ASSHOLES ON THIS STATION IS PRECICELY MEASURED AS A NEGATIVE FUCKTON (ACTUAL MEASUREMENT), I’M GOING TO HAVE TO WALK YOU THROUGH THIS LIKE A LUSUS WITH A GRUBLEASH.
COME ALONG, WIGGLERS. COME ALONG AND ADVENTURE THE WIDE, VARIED, AND APPALLING WORLD OF ROBOTS.
SO, AS YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED, THERE ARE MANY TYPES OF ROBOTS. ALL OF THEM ARE TERRIBLE, AND ALL OF THEM ARE WAITING FOR THE MOMENT TO FUCK WITH YOUR LIFE.
THROUGH RESEARCH AND JUST BEING A GODDAMN GENIUS IN GENERAL, I’VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT THE DIFFERENT TYPES AND THEIR WAYS.
AND NOW, OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF MY BLOOD PUMP (NOT REALLY, I’M JUST DOING THIS SO MY PEOPLE DON’T GET FUCKED UP ANYMORE. FUCK THE REST OF YOU GUYS), I’M HERE TO SCHOOLFEED YOU.
[ The video clicks on, and there are two things to notice. Karkat has various scraps of paper with illustrations on them, and he isn’t wearing a shirt. Instead, his pants are hiked up to his armpits, probably resulting in the worst wedgie in existence. Even if that’s the case, he makes no mention of it. Instead, he shoves his FIRST PICTURE up to the recorder. ]
We’re starting with your typical robot. It looks something like this. They clang around the place like they’re important, which, we all know, is bullshit. They’re barely capable of rubbing two fucking electrons together, so they act on instinct alone. What’s that instinct, my favorite genius, Vantas?
That instinct is to fuck your shit up.
Note the metallic limbs and body structure. [ point. ] Note how it shines. [ point. ] All of these things can and will be used against you. Punching and stabbing these assholes is difficult and shouldn’t be attempted by puny, pathetic humans. No, seriously. You guys are way too fucking squishy to stand a chance. Get some nonshitty weapons, and maybe. But even then, you don’t stand much of a chance. Your killingmanship is pukingly terrible.
Under no circumstance are you to sit around, prongs up your sniff nodes, justifying the humanity of robots. I swear to fuck, I will use your own prongs to scratch at your fucking think sponge in the vague hopes that tearing it out will make you less retarded.
Got it? Moving on. Keep in mind, there’s going to be a fucking test on this shit when we’re done. If you don’t pass, the meteor of my rage will grind your ass into dust.
[ Karkat switches to the NEXT PICTURE ]
Robolimbs. Sure, you fucks think it’s a convenient solution to your “OH SHIT MY ARM JUST GOT CHOPPED THE FUCK OFF” needs, but it is a TERRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD IDEA. Why?
Because that shit can be turned against you. Look at this picture. Look at this dirty beach hobo. He is hurting himself with his own disobedient limb. He no longer has control of his own fucking body. And that’s what’s going to happen to you. It doesn’t take much for one of those manipulative shits to figure out a way to make you kick yourself to death. And-slash-or strangle yourself. Or, like… Stab a robot finger into your eye. Or explode your internal organs. Or… I guess maybe, like… Make you infect yourself with some fatal friendship disease. Or--
BASICALLY, bad stuff. It’s happening to you. MOVING ON.
[ NEXT PICTURE ]
The “GPS.” Or “Goddamn Prongseating Secretkeeper.” They issue directions to the robot motherland, which is somewhere called “Canadia.” I’ve yet to find Canadia, but when I do… When I do…. [ TRAILS OFF OMINOUSLY. ]
Oh, shit. Yeah. Still recording. Fuck. Okay, NEXT.
[ NEXT PICTURE ]
This is Shodan. She’s a bitch. I actually. Uh. Have no fucking clue what she looks like, but I think Jack said something like this so DEAL WITH IT. Let me reiterate: She’s a bitch. She, and all the other high functioning robots, like to kidnap the shit out of trolls, mutilate them into mindless robofuckbuddies, and use them to drag more assholes into whatever she’s deemed as her lair. And, for some ungodly reason, she’s done this twice. TWICE. YOU THINK WE’D FUCKING LEARN THE FIRST TIME, BUT NOOOOOOOOOO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. That would be expecting TOO. GODDAMN. MUCH. FUCK.
[ And then he tears the picture of Shodan to pieces. With his teeth. ]
NEXT FUCKER, HERE WE GO.
[ He pulls the NEXT PICTURE. ]
AM. We just dealt with this. He was, like, a hive or some shit. There was also a volcano. Don’t know if he controlled it or not, but it was a bitch to deal with. If I have to fucking explain shit about AM, I am just going launch myself into space through the sheer force of my ire. That one planet we always fucking forget about will explode when I impact, as I punch through it like a warm cutting utensil through dairy-based spread.
[ NEXT PICTURE ]
I actually… Don’t fucking know if these guys are robots or not. I’ve heard the bullshit description “Program” thrown around like a harpoon at a whale, but in Karkat’s Dictionary of FUCK YOU, that’s a synonym for “GODDAMN ROBOTS.” DON’T TRY TO JUSTIFY YOURSELF TO ME, YOU RADIOACTIVE SHITSTAINS. DON’T EVEN TRY IT.
[ NEXT PICTURE ]
I don’t even know this bitch’s name, but she’s probably the most NOOKFONDLING GRUBRUBBING CONCEITED PIECE OF SHIT I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF MEETNIG. ALSO PROBABLY A ROBOT. SPACE SHIPS ARE ROBOTS, YOU DOUCHEFUCK. FUCK YOU, WOMAN. FUCK. YOU.
[ He also tears this one apart with his teeth. ]
Alright, so. Are you assholes educated yet? You’re fucking welcome. [ He offers a parting middle finger, adjusts the pants about his chest, and cuts off the feed. ]