Musings of Paralyzation
My time here in Alberta is winding down slowly, and yet rushes to an end. This summer is particularly strange for an ending. Schools in Alberta started either last week or this week, and Labour Day hasn't even happened yet. But even after Labour Day, I'll still be chilling in Drumheller, working every day, and pretending to myself that I am preparing for a life beyond school.
Let me tell you about this life beyond school: It terrifies me. I *know* I need to do all sorts of important things, like find a job, and get organized for all sorts of auditions and whatnot. But I feel paralyzed. I don't know if it's the fear of failure, of it's simply the fear of facing the unknown.
At Opera Nuova, we talked about useless jobs to tide you over until you can make a career solely out of music. Some people simply can't stand not using their creativity, and find boring jobs utterly stifling. I've always been perfectly able to cope at a useless boring job that uses none of my talents. And in a way, that almost scares me. What if I find I'm content with tripping along, day to day, never stretching myself beyond who I am at this moment, and in fact, close in on myself more and more until I am but a shell of who I used to be?
OR, will a job during the "school year" be entirely different than a summer job, one with a definable beginning and end? Or will it all simply be different b/c I'll be in London, the centre of my musical life anyways? Do I just feel all this because I'm so removed from everything musical?
I can't honestly bring myself to believe I would be content in a horrible, boring, useless and non-creative job.
But I can also see myself not reaching for the goals I want.
I don't want to do that. I don't want to give up. I don't want a boring job for the rest of my life.
I do want to travel. I do want constant change in my work life. I know I'm not the biggest fan of life changes, but I'm getting better at them. And I've always hated the idea of going to the same place, every day, day in and day out, and doing the same thing every single time.
I just need to get rid of this paralyzation about anything to do with the real world and my real future.
Let me tell you about this life beyond school: It terrifies me. I *know* I need to do all sorts of important things, like find a job, and get organized for all sorts of auditions and whatnot. But I feel paralyzed. I don't know if it's the fear of failure, of it's simply the fear of facing the unknown.
At Opera Nuova, we talked about useless jobs to tide you over until you can make a career solely out of music. Some people simply can't stand not using their creativity, and find boring jobs utterly stifling. I've always been perfectly able to cope at a useless boring job that uses none of my talents. And in a way, that almost scares me. What if I find I'm content with tripping along, day to day, never stretching myself beyond who I am at this moment, and in fact, close in on myself more and more until I am but a shell of who I used to be?
OR, will a job during the "school year" be entirely different than a summer job, one with a definable beginning and end? Or will it all simply be different b/c I'll be in London, the centre of my musical life anyways? Do I just feel all this because I'm so removed from everything musical?
I can't honestly bring myself to believe I would be content in a horrible, boring, useless and non-creative job.
But I can also see myself not reaching for the goals I want.
I don't want to do that. I don't want to give up. I don't want a boring job for the rest of my life.
I do want to travel. I do want constant change in my work life. I know I'm not the biggest fan of life changes, but I'm getting better at them. And I've always hated the idea of going to the same place, every day, day in and day out, and doing the same thing every single time.
I just need to get rid of this paralyzation about anything to do with the real world and my real future.