Lupus
A LOT of things have changed and happened in my life. I have a new boyfriend who I'm super happy with, my two best friends are living with me, and my life is sooo much more stable and consistent then even a couple months ago. One big hindrance that will never disappear and I'll always battle... my disease. It's called lupus. A chronic autoimmune disorder I got diagnosed with last year. Some days are way better then others. Today is one of those down days. When I feel really sick, I get stressed. I've been feeling a flare coming on more and more and each day it gets closer it depresses me more. Some days I just wanna throw in the towel and give up fighting. It gets overwhelming to know that no matter what, I'm gonna battle this for the rest of my life... even if I get to live a normal lifespan. I usually have such a positive outlook on it. Like it is better then cancer and SO many people have worse things to live with then I do. But when I feel shitty and I can't explain why or I'm super fatigued, I just wanna be fucking normal. Watching normal, healthy people take advantage by drinking, doing drugs, smoking.... It all just makes me wonder, why me? It's so selfish.. I just want it to go away. I wanna be able to be a normal 20 year old without days where I feel like I'm on the verge of death. I have sooo many amazing, new, and exciting things going on for me right now. I just get so upset that I can't just feel happy without having days where I feel shitty. I hate living in quiet fear that one day I won't be able to control my disease or keeping up a natural medicinal routine. One day I could have to give in to drugs that will make me weaker and even sicker. I know that I can only live in the now and live and embrace what it is right now. I just wanna be understood and not looked at differently or treated differently. Like I might break at any point. I'm a fighter, but I only have so much in me. Sometimes I feel like just giving this all up and living without a million different vitamin and mineral regimens just to get through the day like everyone else. Maybe I'm just selfish or complaining, I just don't know how to feel anymore..