Plans suck
Jarin didn't go to jail. he got let off. so I told him it was over anyway. and we decided on a break, break didnt work cause we just got back together the next night. we decide one more fight and we will call it quits. no fight. no fight. no fight. then... he asks me to do him a favor, drive him to a friends house, I do. he walks back with 2.5 OUNCES of weed. shit. so we stop at maxs house on the way home and what happens? a cop rolls by and totally smells it. where is it? IN MY CAR so blah blah blah I get cuffed and taken down to the station, I tell them its his, he says its his, I get to leave. yay. after 4 hours that is. i miss work. boo. j gets off too. i tell him its over, that this was it. he cries. and cries. and cries. but then he talks to his dad and has some revilation or something and is ok with being my friend. we had planned to watch a movie together. we do. he accidently kisses my cheek. not accidently, just forgets. we both call each other baby a couple times. its too much. i lose it. it breaks my heart that i still love him. but i do. i leave. i go to kyle's house. we are talking. he asks me my favorite moment in life. know what it is? no. you don't. before i tell you just understand j and i have a very intense love.
(FlashBack, 11/10/06) j and i are on a break. but still hanging out. its going well. but its hard. then we go to the hot tub we always go to. our hot tub. its hard. we just sit there. we dont even talk. he asks me whats wrong. i start to cry and tell him its too hard for me to just sit across OUR hot tub from him. we always sit together and hold each other. i lose it. so i jump in the pool. he follows. he says the break is hard on him too. i say to hold me for a minute. he does. then he says... baby, this break is too much for me. i understand that you need your space, but i need you. please come back to me... i dont answer. i just kiss him. the best kiss of my life. we hold each other and just hold this kiss for what feels like 30 minutes, but it was probably 30 seconds. but it was exactly what we both needed. its hard to not do that again. but i have nothing else. who do i have left to hang out with? i dont want to smoke anymore but i dont know any nonsmokers anymore. so i either sit at home by myself, sit around while everyone else smokes/drinks, or just give in. but i dont like any of those! I NEED NEW FRIENDS! UPGRADE! haha. like that comercial.... for tampons... yea. i dunno.
i can't sleep because i am used to having someone sleep next to me. i need to get used to it though. blah. i will lay down now, and "sleep". yes "sleep" not sleep. because i dont sleep now. i just lay with my eyes closed until its bright out. its like sleep limbo. not like bend--barinto-weird-shapes-to-fit-under-a-stupid-bar limbo. but like the catholic one. where like unbaptised christians and suicides go or something. the "Not heaven, Not hell" place. thats where i am in sleep land. like "Not Awake, Not asleep place. bah! I will try. for my sanity's sake! night
Mandy
(FlashBack, 11/10/06) j and i are on a break. but still hanging out. its going well. but its hard. then we go to the hot tub we always go to. our hot tub. its hard. we just sit there. we dont even talk. he asks me whats wrong. i start to cry and tell him its too hard for me to just sit across OUR hot tub from him. we always sit together and hold each other. i lose it. so i jump in the pool. he follows. he says the break is hard on him too. i say to hold me for a minute. he does. then he says... baby, this break is too much for me. i understand that you need your space, but i need you. please come back to me... i dont answer. i just kiss him. the best kiss of my life. we hold each other and just hold this kiss for what feels like 30 minutes, but it was probably 30 seconds. but it was exactly what we both needed. its hard to not do that again. but i have nothing else. who do i have left to hang out with? i dont want to smoke anymore but i dont know any nonsmokers anymore. so i either sit at home by myself, sit around while everyone else smokes/drinks, or just give in. but i dont like any of those! I NEED NEW FRIENDS! UPGRADE! haha. like that comercial.... for tampons... yea. i dunno.
i can't sleep because i am used to having someone sleep next to me. i need to get used to it though. blah. i will lay down now, and "sleep". yes "sleep" not sleep. because i dont sleep now. i just lay with my eyes closed until its bright out. its like sleep limbo. not like bend--barinto-weird-shapes-to-fit-under-a-stupid-bar limbo. but like the catholic one. where like unbaptised christians and suicides go or something. the "Not heaven, Not hell" place. thats where i am in sleep land. like "Not Awake, Not asleep place. bah! I will try. for my sanity's sake! night
Mandy