last day
today is jarins last day. then court. then jail. he thinkgs i will wait for him. i cant tell him i wont. he cries, and gets very upset. he shouldn't be upset before he gets locked up. but he will be. i feel horrible, but the truth is the reltionship has been over for about a month. i just pretend for him so he is happy before jail. he cant let go because this is his longest most serious relationship. he will see there is better for him. i, personally completely mixed in my emtions right now. because although the relationship wasn't the greatest and i know it could never really work... i do still love him. but its not enough.
i would never want kids with him. people say i think to serious, but really, i dont want to waste my time and heartache for some guy that i would never really make it with. he cant change that much. i wouldnt want him to anyway. if i could change him that much he wouldn't even be himself anymore and he wouldn't be happy. although i am not happy. he knows. i tell him. he always thinks i just say it cause i'm mad, but its the truth. we're happy like 20-25% of the time. other than that we are fighting, not talking, argueing, or just bitching at each other. why bother? its not fun, we're both not happy... jarin just doesn't know better. i know better because of kyle. kyle was perfect. perfect gentleman, perfect family, perfect everything. too perfect. he was so perfect he didn't even question me! I would ask him to do it, and he would. i learned fast. made him do everything. then one day i realized he deserved better. someone that wouldn't abuse absolute power. i knew i always would. i let him go.
but now j wont let me go. he needs to. him and i fought one time and it alwas left me wondering... which is worse once you are in any type of relationship, hiding; (a) being with someone physically or (b) being with someone emotionally. I will elaborate. when j and i first met i was still with shane (boo) so j and i started just "seeing each other" and i was seeing shane too. hiding it from both. Jarin on the other hand stil loved his last girlfriend when we first got together AND the first time he said he loved me. so he still thought of her, but i was still with mine. we ended up dropping the fight because it got huge and i gave up. it wasn't worth it to me to fight about the past. i dunno, both were wrong, and i know it doesn't really matter... but idk. blah! I should sleep but sadly my shift tonight was an evening shift and i made myself a couple drinks so i am wired... i will force sleep upon myself!! night
Mandy
P.s. (note to jesica) I work at newhope and southpark (costco center) and as soon as I am certified i want hours ANYWHERE I want full time but the store i am at temp can only give me like a max of 20, so i still want like... 15 more. I miss you lady!!!!
i would never want kids with him. people say i think to serious, but really, i dont want to waste my time and heartache for some guy that i would never really make it with. he cant change that much. i wouldnt want him to anyway. if i could change him that much he wouldn't even be himself anymore and he wouldn't be happy. although i am not happy. he knows. i tell him. he always thinks i just say it cause i'm mad, but its the truth. we're happy like 20-25% of the time. other than that we are fighting, not talking, argueing, or just bitching at each other. why bother? its not fun, we're both not happy... jarin just doesn't know better. i know better because of kyle. kyle was perfect. perfect gentleman, perfect family, perfect everything. too perfect. he was so perfect he didn't even question me! I would ask him to do it, and he would. i learned fast. made him do everything. then one day i realized he deserved better. someone that wouldn't abuse absolute power. i knew i always would. i let him go.
but now j wont let me go. he needs to. him and i fought one time and it alwas left me wondering... which is worse once you are in any type of relationship, hiding; (a) being with someone physically or (b) being with someone emotionally. I will elaborate. when j and i first met i was still with shane (boo) so j and i started just "seeing each other" and i was seeing shane too. hiding it from both. Jarin on the other hand stil loved his last girlfriend when we first got together AND the first time he said he loved me. so he still thought of her, but i was still with mine. we ended up dropping the fight because it got huge and i gave up. it wasn't worth it to me to fight about the past. i dunno, both were wrong, and i know it doesn't really matter... but idk. blah! I should sleep but sadly my shift tonight was an evening shift and i made myself a couple drinks so i am wired... i will force sleep upon myself!! night
Mandy
P.s. (note to jesica) I work at newhope and southpark (costco center) and as soon as I am certified i want hours ANYWHERE I want full time but the store i am at temp can only give me like a max of 20, so i still want like... 15 more. I miss you lady!!!!