when handling a snappy little turtle...
I feel like a little turtle right now, baking in the middle of the desert. I would like to take some tiny steps toward the shade, my head bobbing as I blink in the sun, but right now I'm curled up tight in my shell, stewing in my own confusion. I can't walk. I can't even breath correctly. I'm suffocated by paranoia.
I feel like I'm surrounded by vultures and jackals. They approach me with laughter and smiling faces and ugly, hungry mouths. I want to say this feeling is paranoid and that really it's only small geckos and curious birds, but I've made that mistake one too many times before. I'm tired of being hurt.
I realize I am over-reacting, that I am overly sensitive from too much disappointment. I realize its' ridiculous to talk like this and completely unhelpful to everyone. But you know what? It's not my job to help everyone. I never signed up to be Doormat Deluxe. Maybe sometimes I HAVE to be paranoid to keep myself from falling for artificial friendship and hope.
I am sick of being talked about. I am sick of the cowardice that prevents people from asking me questions directly to my face. I am sick of the lack of faith in me that drives people to ASSUME the worst sort of answers to these questions, and to be content with these answers in secret without giving me a chance to defend myself. I am sick of people lying to me. I am sick of people trying to force-feed me medicine without actually checking to see why I'm ill. I am sick of people choosing my enemies for me and fighting them off in my name, never understanding it's my allies they're hurting, or regretting that they make things worse. I am sick of people taking advantage of the fact that I am forgiving and damnably naive. I am sick of fickleness, hypocrisy, and disrespect. I am sick of the people I love also being the people that hurt me the most.
In short, my tolerance right now is ZERO... I don't even know how I'm dealing with the discomfort and passive aggression that just surfaced in the area I least expected it to. Butternut was meant to be my escape, but now... I don't know. There might not be peace for me anywhere. I can't think about the implications at this moment.
I am doing my best, and most of you are too. Those that are giving me less than your best have done so consistently and I am not surprised. Some of you are making a colossal effort and think that I am oblivious to it; know that I'm not. Know that I'm grateful, even if you suddenly get your nose clipped off by a self-defensive turtle beak.
Be careful with me, please.
I appreciate that you have enough faith in me to play rough and tumble without worrying that I'm delicate or frail, but right now I feel like I might hurt YOU with the same unintentional severity others hurt me with. It is not in my nature to be cruel, but neither is gentleness an option right now...
I feel like I'm surrounded by vultures and jackals. They approach me with laughter and smiling faces and ugly, hungry mouths. I want to say this feeling is paranoid and that really it's only small geckos and curious birds, but I've made that mistake one too many times before. I'm tired of being hurt.
I realize I am over-reacting, that I am overly sensitive from too much disappointment. I realize its' ridiculous to talk like this and completely unhelpful to everyone. But you know what? It's not my job to help everyone. I never signed up to be Doormat Deluxe. Maybe sometimes I HAVE to be paranoid to keep myself from falling for artificial friendship and hope.
I am sick of being talked about. I am sick of the cowardice that prevents people from asking me questions directly to my face. I am sick of the lack of faith in me that drives people to ASSUME the worst sort of answers to these questions, and to be content with these answers in secret without giving me a chance to defend myself. I am sick of people lying to me. I am sick of people trying to force-feed me medicine without actually checking to see why I'm ill. I am sick of people choosing my enemies for me and fighting them off in my name, never understanding it's my allies they're hurting, or regretting that they make things worse. I am sick of people taking advantage of the fact that I am forgiving and damnably naive. I am sick of fickleness, hypocrisy, and disrespect. I am sick of the people I love also being the people that hurt me the most.
In short, my tolerance right now is ZERO... I don't even know how I'm dealing with the discomfort and passive aggression that just surfaced in the area I least expected it to. Butternut was meant to be my escape, but now... I don't know. There might not be peace for me anywhere. I can't think about the implications at this moment.
I am doing my best, and most of you are too. Those that are giving me less than your best have done so consistently and I am not surprised. Some of you are making a colossal effort and think that I am oblivious to it; know that I'm not. Know that I'm grateful, even if you suddenly get your nose clipped off by a self-defensive turtle beak.
Be careful with me, please.
I appreciate that you have enough faith in me to play rough and tumble without worrying that I'm delicate or frail, but right now I feel like I might hurt YOU with the same unintentional severity others hurt me with. It is not in my nature to be cruel, but neither is gentleness an option right now...