FREEDOM!!!
"All my life, I have searched for clues
This is what they taught me:
Every mystery I pursued
Was a secret I already knew"
These are the lyrics I used to make my icon for my dedicant journal. They popped into my head just now as I woke up from my broken nap. This verse has always been meaningful to me, so I thought I should look up the lyrics... I was curious to see if the REST of this song applied to me and my path as thoroughly as that verse.
So I turned on "Freedom" by Robert Miles and listened to the singer's voice. It is not one of his better pieces and the singer is not the best, and on the surface the lyrics seem to be cheesily New Age and lovey. It's deeper than that, however... and it still applies to me.
The more the more I listen to this song the more I decide it's about -- this may be shocking -- freedom! :) It's about the freedom that love brings, and the freedom that failure in love brings, and everything in between. It's about the freedom of undergoing the journey itself. It reminds me of my own path. It reminds that it is and always has been freedom, above and before anything else.
No matter how lost I may think I am, I am always where I need to be. No matter how loudly I may cry I am unhappy, I am not truly unhappy, nor am I lost. I am home in the unfolding journey itself. So long as I am free, I have everything I need. And I am and always have been free... which is startling. How is it that someone so fiercely independent as me completely forgot this?
""Every stone that I left unturned
Soon came back to haunt me
Every fall, every finger burned
Was a step on the road to truth
That I am you -- my soul
You are no alone
When your heart is turned to stone,
Love is the only way home"
I think I need to remember why it is I love to dance so much, or why I so often sing. I need to honour that which causes me to laugh in joyful abandon when I am running, when I am swinging, or when I am flopped on the grass among friends and among gods. Freedom is what fuels my faith, is what creates my laughter, is causes me to treasure birds; freedom is what makes me so restless and torn when I perceive I am trapped or getting nowhere. The need to preserve, create, and express gratitude for freedom permeates all that I do... and I mean freedom of the heart and soul, not anything political or legal. Freedom is a source of boundless optimism, hope, and youthful exuberance. A glowing love and thankfulness for freedom is arguably the number one cause of my 'brightness,' or whatever sunny trait it is that people describe me as having.
"You just don't care," I have been told by people who smile with their eyes as they say this. I do care, more than I can possibly say, but I do it with the quiet understanding that I am free to care or not care as I see fit. So far, I almost always see it fit to care. But I do not do so out of duty, but rather joyful choice. I have decided to be the friend of everyone I'm friends with. I have opened the door to the goodness in my life.
As the song sings, I am also talking about freedom from shame and freedom from fear. It made me realize this:
I have fucked up pretty badly in the past, and it looks I'm set up to fuck up again. But you know what? At least I do that freely. At least all the bull-shit and heartbreak and misunderstanding and failure is the product of CHOICE. I had the freedom to get where I wound up, and I went there, even though it sucked in the end, and I may damn well go there again, over and over, in different situations. It's strangely heartening to know I can choose that. It's strangely uplifting to know I can blame myself and smile at the same time. I have been going absolutely crazy with frustration and depression because I felt choice-less, because I felt that ultimately other people decided my happiness and I lost that power. But I didn't lose that power -- it's impossible to lose it. Nobody else can take it from me.
I decide who and what I am, and today I am a singing bird, a bounding gazelle, a lioness impossible to tame.
I may be a worm beneath your boots tomorrow, but so be it. I remember now that that is my choice.
A simple prayer: may all my deeds be joyful expressions of my own true will.
I confess to you, I am a chaote.
This is what they taught me:
Every mystery I pursued
Was a secret I already knew"
These are the lyrics I used to make my icon for my dedicant journal. They popped into my head just now as I woke up from my broken nap. This verse has always been meaningful to me, so I thought I should look up the lyrics... I was curious to see if the REST of this song applied to me and my path as thoroughly as that verse.
So I turned on "Freedom" by Robert Miles and listened to the singer's voice. It is not one of his better pieces and the singer is not the best, and on the surface the lyrics seem to be cheesily New Age and lovey. It's deeper than that, however... and it still applies to me.
The more the more I listen to this song the more I decide it's about -- this may be shocking -- freedom! :) It's about the freedom that love brings, and the freedom that failure in love brings, and everything in between. It's about the freedom of undergoing the journey itself. It reminds me of my own path. It reminds that it is and always has been freedom, above and before anything else.
No matter how lost I may think I am, I am always where I need to be. No matter how loudly I may cry I am unhappy, I am not truly unhappy, nor am I lost. I am home in the unfolding journey itself. So long as I am free, I have everything I need. And I am and always have been free... which is startling. How is it that someone so fiercely independent as me completely forgot this?
""Every stone that I left unturned
Soon came back to haunt me
Every fall, every finger burned
Was a step on the road to truth
That I am you -- my soul
You are no alone
When your heart is turned to stone,
Love is the only way home"
I think I need to remember why it is I love to dance so much, or why I so often sing. I need to honour that which causes me to laugh in joyful abandon when I am running, when I am swinging, or when I am flopped on the grass among friends and among gods. Freedom is what fuels my faith, is what creates my laughter, is causes me to treasure birds; freedom is what makes me so restless and torn when I perceive I am trapped or getting nowhere. The need to preserve, create, and express gratitude for freedom permeates all that I do... and I mean freedom of the heart and soul, not anything political or legal. Freedom is a source of boundless optimism, hope, and youthful exuberance. A glowing love and thankfulness for freedom is arguably the number one cause of my 'brightness,' or whatever sunny trait it is that people describe me as having.
"You just don't care," I have been told by people who smile with their eyes as they say this. I do care, more than I can possibly say, but I do it with the quiet understanding that I am free to care or not care as I see fit. So far, I almost always see it fit to care. But I do not do so out of duty, but rather joyful choice. I have decided to be the friend of everyone I'm friends with. I have opened the door to the goodness in my life.
As the song sings, I am also talking about freedom from shame and freedom from fear. It made me realize this:
I have fucked up pretty badly in the past, and it looks I'm set up to fuck up again. But you know what? At least I do that freely. At least all the bull-shit and heartbreak and misunderstanding and failure is the product of CHOICE. I had the freedom to get where I wound up, and I went there, even though it sucked in the end, and I may damn well go there again, over and over, in different situations. It's strangely heartening to know I can choose that. It's strangely uplifting to know I can blame myself and smile at the same time. I have been going absolutely crazy with frustration and depression because I felt choice-less, because I felt that ultimately other people decided my happiness and I lost that power. But I didn't lose that power -- it's impossible to lose it. Nobody else can take it from me.
I decide who and what I am, and today I am a singing bird, a bounding gazelle, a lioness impossible to tame.
I may be a worm beneath your boots tomorrow, but so be it. I remember now that that is my choice.
A simple prayer: may all my deeds be joyful expressions of my own true will.
I confess to you, I am a chaote.