The In-Betweens
I've been house sitting at my employer's for most of April, & it comes to a close this week. Because My Fellow works from home, it has given us a lot of time to message & call each other. We had a virtual movie date, because he hadn't seen the Princess Bride. I loved hearing him laugh & get excited about the famous actors he didn't realize were in it, like Christopher Guest, Mel Smith, & Peter Cook. It was lovely. I would've rather watched it w/ him in person, but I couldn't wait. And it probably kept me from reciting every line aloud.
I'm almost looking forward to being somewhat busy again, because these hours after he goes to bed & before I do, are kind of difficult. I'll see something I want to share, or think of something I want to say, but I don't want to wake him.
Sometimes I just email My Fellow, of course. I would do that last month during the fringe festival, when I wanted to tell him stuff that happened. I'd start an email at the beginning of the evening, save it as a draft, then finish it up at the end of the night. But this month has spoiled me, being able to talk so often in real time. I love it until these in-betweens. It's an 8 hour difference between California & London, so by the time I'm fully up & about, a good portion of his day is over. My sensible side is fine w/ it, because I want My Fellow to be able to rest & work w/out me interrupting him. And since he's an artist type & sets his own hours, he often stays up late anyway. But oh, my heart sighs during these in-betweens. It's almost enough to make me go to bed early. Almost. There is of course, plenty for me to do if I chose, but it's still a relatively new relationship, so a significant part of me would rather mope.
J is up to something. She knows we're an item by now. My Fellow already has plans to come back in September, so her offer of letting him stay there & use it as a "base" was okay, as my current living situation precludes long term company. This plan leaves much to be desired because I don't want to get busy at her place, on that awful guest futon, while several dogs crowd outside the door, wondering why they can't come in. But, it's a manageable situation. I'm clever & things can be worked out.
It's a new proposal that is bothering me. If J weren't so ridiculously shady, I'd jump at this, but I'm suspicious instead. Before My Fellow even left in February, he was already talking about moving here. I thought he was half-joking. It has come up again in multiple conversations since, but mostly as wishful thinking. Heaven knows I would LOVE to have him here. I'd love to be with My Fellow just about anywhere, but it's a bit more difficult for me to uproot.
Now, J is suggesting that he move here - & move in w/ them. Allegedly, her wife could get him a job right away at the school where she teaches. Combined w/ the fact that he can also do his art anywhere, it seems like not such a bad idea. Except that it puts me in a bind. As My Fellow told me this, I made non-committal "thinking about it" noises & said "Orange Cove is certainly closer than London!"
How am I supposed to tell My Fellow that I think I'd rather he stay there than move in w/ that manipulative harpy? Him moving in w/ them would force me back to J's house whenever I want to see him, at least until he or we could get a different place. And that means awful futon, friendly-but-intrusive dogs, & worst of all, dealing w/ J. (It would also be quite a bit of gas for me until he got a vehicle & learned to drive here.)
If I prevaricate for too long, My Fellow may think I just don't want him here. But if I open up about this to him, it would put me squarely between their friendship before I'm ready. I'm not the type to make ultimatiums. In my view, if you make an ultimatum, you only have yourself to blame if the other person calls your bluff. A conversation about how I feel hurt by J is going to happen eventually, but I was kind of hoping My Fellow would see her true colors for himself first. But I certainly don't need it to mar his move here, either.
To top it off, it makes me look like the wacky one. Because My Fellow couldn't see what happened, anything I tell him could might me look paranoid or overly jealous. Worse yet, I could risk looking like I'm the one trying to manipulate things.
It may take a considerable amount of time before My Fellow can actually move here, so I don't want to get too worked up about it. He would need to wrap things up over there. And he may have to wait a while to get a work visa. So anything could happen in between. A better living situation could happen for both of us by then. There is hope.
Even so, it's hard to shake the feeling that this suggestion was designed to hurt me. How could it not? How could I think about My Fellow moving in w/ J & A, & not consider everything that it would mean for me? I feel like an ass for even entertaining the thought that having My Fellow so close may not be worth it. But if he becomes housemates w/ someone I consider toxic, what am I to do?
This situation calls for a whole lot of tact & cleverness. I've really got to think this one through. Thankfully, writing down my thoughts here may have helped me figure out where to start.
*HUGS*