This Magic Moment
I always seem to come back to LJ when I'm infatuated. Whether I think I'm in love, or whether I know it's just a fling or a crush. It's certainly easier to admit it here than where nearly everyone I know can see.
Yes, I'm in love again. But this is different.
This time he loves me back. And this time, I'm ready.
I want to write down the whole story from my perspective. Mostly for posterity, really. [And just in case he ever gets curious & finds my livejournal, it will be here.] It seems rather dramatic to be this close to 40, & have a whirlwind love story that involves a jealous & manipulative friend. I didn't see it coming, for sure.
In July of last year, I was telling a friend "J" (who is married & I thought perhaps, exclusive), how I'd put my profile up on dating sites outside of the US. There's really no one in my town for me, & most guys in other parts of California don't seem interested in women from Fresno. J told me about a pal of hers she'd met in the UK. How nice he was, & how we'd be a good match. She, along w/ another local musician friend, "B" know him & think highly of him. So J had us friend each other on FB, & honestly he seemed alright, but I was skeptical that much would come of it. How do you start a conversation like that, anyway? Especially when you live 5300+ miles away. I didn't know if I would ever meet him, & I'm already fairly awkward. And I was right to be skeptical, because J never told him. Nothing happened of course.
We met in late January of this year.
I house/pet sit somewhat regularly for J & her wife, "A". They live about 45 minutes outside of Fresno. I was out there doing my thing, hanging out w/ several dogs & cats. J had already left for her gig, & A was leaving late, so we had a chance to chat before she took off. Turns out this fellow from the UK was visiting them! He'd already gone ahead with my musician friends, so I'd get to meet him when they all came back.
Did I mention I'd only brought my working clothes because I thought I'd just be hanging out with a bunch of pets & then going home? Whoops! Nice of them to warn me.
The weekend turned around quickly, & suddenly they were all back. I did the best I could with the clothes I had, but I felt ridiculous. But when he came in the house, he gave me this hug that felt like home. It shocked me a little. What just happened? I had my regular job to go to in the morning, but I HAD to stay & chat. This lovely fellow was wearing sandals in January, & had a pretty shade of purple polish on his toes, which I complimented. I asked him how long he'd been in town. Only a week. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but if I could go back, I'd ask J & A why they'd had him for a week & hadn't even told me he was here? I wasn't able to chat for long, but something kinda hit me about him, that again, doesn't happen for me. I liked him right away & I couldn't put my finger on it. It made me nervous. But there it was. A crush.
As they talked about all their plans, I was under the impression that I'd be included for at least some of them. But for all the times they came into town, they never called me & asked if I wanted to join them. Or for all the things they did at home, I was never invited out to visit. And one time when I mentioned that I thought it would be fun to come out there & hang out, J put me off saying, "Oh you don't have to drive all the way out here!" I was sent pictures & video clips, which I realize in retrospect was her way of rubbing it in.
I had Lasik eye surgery in February, so there was at least one weekend that I was out. The fellow went to LA for a week to visit friends down there, & I certainly don't begrudge him that. And while he was gone, J had the nerve to complain to me about how much she missed him. I was starting to get upset, but I was confused, & couldn't understand what was happening. At one point, I got frantic & reached out to the other friend, B, asking what I could do to approach this fellow. How could I start that conversation? He wasn't going to be in the country much longer, & I'm already rather awkward, as I've mentioned. B proclaimed that he wouldn't get involved, but bless him for telling his wife "L" about my crush, because she helped save me, she really did.
The housekeeper where I work had been my confidant this whole time, & she was excited for me. She reminded me that I still had a Christmas bonus gift card to a nice restaurant, & I should just ask the fellow out. This also turned out to save me, because it was the only way I got to see the fellow for the whole month he was here. There was ONE thing that I'd been explicitly invited to, & J cancelled plans the day of, claiming the weather was too bad. It was windy, but not THAT bad. It was only after everything had happened that I realized it was part of J being jealous & manipulative.
Oh, AND. At some point I asked the fellow to call me from J's cell phone. I had it in my head that I should ask him out over the phone. J had my new number, but let him call me at my old one, so I never got it. He improvised a song on the voicemail. I'll never know what it was.
I ended up asking this fellow out via FB messenger, but at least I did it.
By the time I was able to meet up with the fellow for dinner, he only had a few days left here. This night would be it for me. I'd have to take him back to J & A, then go back to work, & there would be no way for me to help see him off. And thank goodness for B & L, because when the fellow mentioned our upcoming dinner to them, L asked, "Oh, with the girl who has a crush on you?" (I learned this later.) Bless L forever, she has no idea how much time she saved me, because I was such a stammering, nervous thing throughout dinner, I don't know if he would've otherwise understood.
A great thing about picking up the fellow for dinner, was that it gave us a long drive into Fresno, which was time to talk & OH, HE WAS NICE. We seemed to have a lot in common. And it's hard to be nervous while driving through the countryside at night, in the pouring rain. So much easier to be in control when I'm concentrating on where I'm going & not the fact that my-crush-is-in-the-front-seat-right-now. So... yes, though dinner was a success, I was not at my best. But he was kind, sweet, funny, & ...he understood. (Thank you L!) Toward the end of dinner, he said something like "I'm trying really hard not to flirt with you." I don't know whether I blushed even more, or blanched instead, but thank goodness I had it together enough to say "Don't stop on my account!"
And this lovely fellow at some point during our date produced the nail polish I'd admired & gave it to me. He remembered! I thought that was sweet.
Neither of us could let it end there, so we quickly found a nearby tea shop to continue. Somewhere quiet that we could really talk. They were open late, & we closed it down. I think they might've even stayed open a little later because we were so enamored of each other, neither of us really knew what time it was, but we did get the hint eventually.
Ah, the tea shop. Where we discovered even more in common. Where he jokingly proposed because I recognized that obscure Monkees' movie "Head," from just a clip on his phone. Where, as we perused the tea menu, I mentioned a flavor called "Sweet Ginger," & he said "You're a sweet ginger," & I just about fell over. Where somehow, we realized our chairs weren't close enough, that WE weren't close enough. And somehow our chairs were as close as we could get them, & I was leaning into him, & w/ my eyes closed, I forgot where I was. And somehow there was very earnest & tender kissing that I was a little embarrassed by in public, but I also didn't want it to stop. I pinched myself at one point to see if I was dreaming. And there was a mutual lamenting of how little time we had left, & me feeling like we'd lost so much time already. And it was all very hot & bittersweet at the same time.
We left the tea shop, & we weren't even settled into my truck (well, a small SUV) when I asked if I could kiss him again. It almost didn't seem real, I didn't want it to be over, & I was anxious to kiss him in ways I couldn't in the tea shop. I don't recall what he said exactly, but it was something like "You didn't think that was it, did you?" HOO! We made out like teenagers there for some time. We would talk & stretch, & snog again. This went on for a few hours until we realized we were being watched by someone in another vehicle. Thankfully my windows were pretty well fogged up by then, but on the chance that it was cops, we paused longer to chat & look at our phones. It was someone in a pickup, presumably enjoying the cheap thrill. They apparently got bored when we stopped, & drove away after a bit.
I couldn't take my fellow back, not yet. That we agreed on. It was too late, the weather was too inclement, we were too tired, & I really had to pee. Nothing else was open. So... I got us a motel room. As tired as we were, well, we managed to carry on. And on. I'll skip the details of course, but for February, it was the hottest night of the year.
I took my time bringing him back the next day. We stayed snuggled in bed as late as we could. We stopped for breakfast, his treat, which I was grateful for. I drove him past the 5 acre hobby farm I grew up on. We talked again on the long ride, & we kept finding even more in common.
There was a moment on the drive back when we stopped for cold drinks. We came back to my truck, & his door just would not open, from neither the outside, nor the inside. I told him that he could climb over somehow, or, as much as I hated it, he could sit in the back (thankfully we didn't have too far to go). We were pondering these options when it started to drizzle. I asked him, "What would you like to do?" And he kissed me in answer. I was floored again. Hooray for non-specific questions! My fellow ultimately rode the rest of the way in back. Being that we were in the countryside & there wasn't much traffic, I drove very carefully w/ one hand, & reached my right hand back so he could hold it. I made eyes at him in the rearview mirror.
When we got to the neighborhood, I parked a block away from the house & we made out again. I felt a little bad for a young family passing by on their afternoon walk, but this was my last chance for a while, so I had to get my kisses in ASAP.
During some pillow talk confessions from our night, I learned why J had been acting so shady. She'd been... much more than flirty with him for quite a while. While my fellow was in town, J even had the audacity to call me her competition behind my back. Knowing she was married, not too much passed between them. And it wasn't like he knew about the original plan either, so I'm not mad. Not at him, anyway.
A couple days later, when J & A took my fellow to the airport to send him home (w/out me of course, I had to work), she again had the nerve to message me & tell me that she didn't want him to go.
Fuck that duplicitous harridan. J can kiss my ass.
Some friend, right? That's not what friends do! I was especially hurt by being called her competition. So fucked up. When I finally pieced everything together not long later, I cried to B's cousin "W," who marginally knew what was going on. W was very understanding. Knew some stuff about J first hand, & how this sort of thing was not uncommon for her. As it turned out, W had her own J-story. Even my best friend N had his own J-story. It was a strange kind of relief.
I certainly don't trust J anymore, but I'm not going to confront her. She doesn't realize how much I know, & it will remain this way until whenever it absolutely has to change. She might think I'm her competition, but she is certainly not mine. She was right enough that my fellow & I would be a good match. HOO, we are quite a pair! But that's all she got right. And her shady game backfired spectacularly. Though again, I'm not sure she realizes by how much.
I haven't told my fellow everything either. He still considers J a friend, & I'm not going to ask him stop. I trust him, & also I won't talk to him behind her back as she did with me. Truth will out. And I'm kind of looking forward to it.
*HUGS*