LJ is for whiny emo crap, right?
I always get really stressed around Christmas. Not necessarily because of the holiday itself, or because of the accompanying obligations, though those do contribute. It's never just one thing.
But it just doesn't make me happy. It's a flood of unpleasantness scattered with too few moments of joy to compensate.
I feel obligated to spend time with my relatives. These are people who, while I have known them my whole life, I am no longer close to, and would not chose to be with over other people sans this feeling of obligation.
I additionally feel obligated to buy gifts for many of these people, whom I no longer know well enough to be able to buy thoughtful gifts for. I continue to buy half-assed gifts because getting them nothing would feel even worse.
I am not made happy by receiving gifts, either. These gifts are from people who know me at least as poorly as I know them. Half of what I get some years is just clutter that I feel bad about throwing away.
I don't get to spend time with any of the people who are actually in my social circle. The one person I love the most in the world has never once been with me on Christmas. The best I get is a phone call or two and a date sometime during the week. This year it was a craptacular date on top of everything else.
I am stuck in a place where I have no friends anymore, with no car and no public transportation. This isn't even the place I lived in high school anymore; the house is completely remodeled, and I am in a guest room almost as anonymous as and more cramped than a hotel room.
Every year I figure it won't be so bad, because this year I'm bringing X to distract me/am only here for X days/whatever. I try to insulate myself against misery by bringing reading material, my laptop, making plans... and none of it helps, because what I am doing for Christmas is inherently miserable.
I wish I could just skip the next three days and go straight to Saturday, when I can go home.
But it just doesn't make me happy. It's a flood of unpleasantness scattered with too few moments of joy to compensate.
I feel obligated to spend time with my relatives. These are people who, while I have known them my whole life, I am no longer close to, and would not chose to be with over other people sans this feeling of obligation.
I additionally feel obligated to buy gifts for many of these people, whom I no longer know well enough to be able to buy thoughtful gifts for. I continue to buy half-assed gifts because getting them nothing would feel even worse.
I am not made happy by receiving gifts, either. These gifts are from people who know me at least as poorly as I know them. Half of what I get some years is just clutter that I feel bad about throwing away.
I don't get to spend time with any of the people who are actually in my social circle. The one person I love the most in the world has never once been with me on Christmas. The best I get is a phone call or two and a date sometime during the week. This year it was a craptacular date on top of everything else.
I am stuck in a place where I have no friends anymore, with no car and no public transportation. This isn't even the place I lived in high school anymore; the house is completely remodeled, and I am in a guest room almost as anonymous as and more cramped than a hotel room.
Every year I figure it won't be so bad, because this year I'm bringing X to distract me/am only here for X days/whatever. I try to insulate myself against misery by bringing reading material, my laptop, making plans... and none of it helps, because what I am doing for Christmas is inherently miserable.
I wish I could just skip the next three days and go straight to Saturday, when I can go home.