Deep Thoughts

[singer_s_lament]

Does anyone remember Jack Handey? I loved him and would sit up and wait for Saturday Night Live just hoping to catch the segment.  My night was made if there was one and if not, the rest of the show wasn't bad either.

I am in agreement with most of these and readily admit to thinking just about all of them. 

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. In fact, she should take your entire tower and buy your family a brand spanking new computer. Don't forget the thumb drives.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.  If not, my trip is already screwed and I shouldn't leave home anyway.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word or Excel and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? ), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. A great hair day can be  immensly more satisfying than good sex , you feel the effects longer, and everyone knows about it.
18. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take several trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I  have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?"  or "I beg your pardon?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not knowthe correct time.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
30. My check engine light has been on for three months now and nothing's happened. I'm starting to think that my car is just an attention getter.
31. What's the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." ? No one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter? AMEN I say to you, A-Men.
32. Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness.
33. When my GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time" I see "Time to Beat."
34. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
35. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.
36. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
37. I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?" And *not* go to jail for it.
38. Why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterward?
39. Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos, and the 100 Calorie packs be called crumbs.