(no subject)
I cant even think of a good quote for this feeling. This heartache.
I can only seem to write without a filter and just be honest..open...and blunt.
Anthony: It pains me on a daily basis to think of you, remember you, speak your name or see a photo of you. Mainly because I'm not fully over you. I can't throw away almost two years of my life. I can't throw away you. I don't want to. I tried to. I tried to be rid of you because of the pain you caused me. It hurt me more than any physical pain I had. It tore me apart and made me angry and bitter. I wanted to forget you so badly. And I know that I can't. I know that I don't want to. To know that you've moved on...makes me happy and sad just as well. Happy because I never want to see someone I care about so much, suffer...and sad because I can't understand why you couldn't be that way with me but can be with that way with others. I am jealous of the happiness you bring them and that I never will have that with you. How I only wish we could have just been better people. For ourselves and for each other.
Gustavo: You reminded me of what I deserved in life. How I deserved to smile, laugh and be happy. You contributed to a large part of my acceptance of who I am as a person. I have given more than I was able, ready and willing to give..because of hope. Because of trust. Because of you. And I feel as if I have consistently been played a fool. And even now, I have been asked for yet another chance. That of which you know...you don't deserve. I have put so much effort into helping you be the person you want...being the person you said you could be...the one I care about deeply...And have been disappointed. You never truly know what you have until it is gone, I think the saying goes. ...What do you have? What did I have?..Is it worth sticking around for? It hurts me to care about you so much..and to just hurt most of the time. Things were so much easier and simpler when we weren't dating. We knew eachother so much more and things were so natural. Now..I question everything.
Brad: My confidant. My dearest of friends. I hate you. I hate you with the burning of a thousand suns. Mainly because you know me so well. You knew when my contentment was apathy and when my heart was on the verge of breaking. You warned me everytime that something wasn't right and I needed to fix it. I didn't listen. You know I couldn't. Because I care too much. While my exterior is vicious and harsh...my interior is quite the opposite. Only you realized that fully over time. While even our own relationship has been built on heartache and mistrust...over time, we have grown closer together and for that, I can never regret. Even if I wanted to. You mean so much to me.
Javier: I have known you the longest and very seldom do we speak. We speak in moments of vulnerability. Free from judgement and held by a friend's comfort. You have been there when it counts. Your honesty has helped me in many times of confusion. You tell it as it is. Or at least, your perspective on it. I appreciate taking some time out of your NYC day.
Ninja: You effin' promised not to like me. I'm disappointed. I made you promise for a reason. I didn't want our friendship to be ruined and in a sense, a part of it died. I now have to second guess my jokes, my words, my actions and even the possibility of hanging out outside of class. I'm skeptical and I hate being that way with people. Especially friends. ...As I said before, I made you promise for a reason. Not because I think I'm fantastic and of course you'll just *love* me. I made you promise..because I loved our blossoming friendship.
Bel: You never come by enough. Wish I could see my big sister...I miss you so much.
Dad: It really almost made me cry the other day when you called me up on the phone to tell me that I did a great job on my poli sci exam. I was sitting there for an hour while you were on the phone before I had to go to work, trying to talk to you...and finally I had to leave. I didn't even say goodbye. I didn't think you cared or even noticed. Getting that phone call...meant the world to me. Made me felt like you didn't forget about me in this world.
Mom: What happened to us? ...I feel like we're on seperate sides. Feel as if I'm so on my own that you don't care. There's freedom...and then there is abandonment. What happened? Which is it?
If I left anyone out...Perhaps, by the things I've said, it's a good thing.
I seem to find one thing that runs through all of the things I've said.
What is love to me? All kinds of love I experience has been messed up in one way or another.
I can't seem to receive the same love I give.
Its so funny how people don't give the same advice about problems, when they're the ones in it.
I don't deny fault or anything. I just want to understand...I want to care for someone as they care for me.
Equal. Mutual. Respect. Honesty. Trust. Chemistry.
Perhaps I ask too much. Note to self: Lower self-standards and other standards shall appropriately decline.
Guess it's a good thing that I'm dating now. No relationships. Just out for a good time.
-S