The Return of Saturn...
So, I've sorta had this visiter for a while now. Almost 2 years it seems. He influenced me to make a lot of decisions I'd been fighting for so long. Being completely unexpectedly upheaved from a place I was once happy forced me to make a rushed decision. When I was still unhappy he asked "then why are you here?" I realized I shouldn't be, so I left. He asked me what I wanted in life, so I thought about it and told him. He asked what I was doing to get it. Uuuummm..... Now, 2 years later, I mapped out the steps and completed them all.
"Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being."
I've done a lot of pruning, conciously for sure. I had a lot of dead weight dragging me down, a lot of unnecessary people in my life. Perhaps school helped facilitate the pruning as well. And then suddenly some faces from the past re-emerged, always a good sign. I was someone else before, now I'm me. Fate? Karma? Bring it on. "I'm not making the problems, I'm just pointing them out to you" he said. No one likes that, but I guess in the end I'm grateful. Sure I'm weak and vulnerable. Two of my greatest fears for the last 28 years, but it really is exhilerating.
You want to move ahead, yet are frustrated by a fear of doing so, torn between a compelling urge to throw off everything connected with your past and an equally frantic need to cling to the familiar rather than brave the great unknown.
I'm ready for it all to become crystal clear. I'm not even sure which I'm doing anymore. I think I've done both. Clinging to the past, but it's so different now...is that really the same?
Even if your external world seems to be in order, your internal structure may feel as though it's being assaulted with a battering ram. Nervous conditions, irritability, depression, insomnia, and feelings of insecurity are common.
Yes, I said, check all of those off, I've done my time with those. Although the insecurities have become overshadowed with, not desperation, but intense aggressiveness. A lot of the fear has subsided as my friend is pushing me toward just taking what I want. "What do you have to lose? Why wouldn't you take it?" I dunno really. I guess you're right. Thanks.