(no subject)

[sincerelymee]

I came home early tonight and in flipping through the channels I saw that Bowling for Columbine was just starting.. so I figured since I'd heard a lot about it (and obviously about Michael Moore as of fahrenheit 9/11) I might as well watch it. well after the first half hour I completely regret turning it on at all. not because it's bad or isn't interesting or anything like that.. just because there are things on it that I don't want to see. I'm all about being informed of things and seeing everything and getting all the details and facts, but I had to turn it off after they showed a clip from the oklahoma city bombing. they showed this for 2 seconds tops and I don't think I will ever be able to stop picturing it: a little boy, maybe 2-3 years old (from the nursery on the first floor of the building I'm guessing) being wheeled on a gurney and his face.. there was something wrong with it, I can't even really explain it.. it was all patchy and piece-y and I guess the best way for you to picture it would be that he looked like a rag doll. like something you would see in a movie that just doesn't seem real. everything was either sewn or cut up or something and his mouth was like jack the pumpkin king and it was the most terrible thing and now it's all I can think about. and now I'm just sad and angry and frustrated and for some reason I feel so guilty and I don't know why. it's kind of that feeling like when you see someone sitting alone in a restaurant and you feel like they're sitting there because they are permanently alone, not just for the night. and suddenly you start thinking about your life and you feel so guilty for some unexplainable reason and you almost want to go and sit with them but you dont want them to know you feel bad for them.. because you wouldn't want to feel like people are pitying you. not that that had to do with anything really, except that there was a woman sitting alone in ihop tonight and I guess i'm thinking of that too.. anyway, im just trying to get at that guilty feeling because thats what i feel right now. guilty and sad and like somehow all these things that have nothing to do with me are my fault, or even worse the opposite and in fact completely out of my or anyone's control which is as helpless a feeling as one can get. and then I think about all that i have and wonder how long I'm going to have it all for. it's scary how easily everything can be lost. I'm getting wayyy off topic. this is what happens when i feel too much about something- i start thinking wayyyy too much. and then i just keep rambling on and it really never gets anywhere so I'm gonna go now. i really hope I can start thinking about something else besides that little boy. ugh.

(if you actually read all that, don't actually think anything of it.. I don't make much sense by the time my thoughts reach paper.)

ps- we got picked up on long beach road by a bunch of drunk guys in a party bus and were invited to go with them to a bachelor party. hahaha.