"but oh how if feels so real, lying here with no one near.. only you"
I thought after last Friday my over-stressed, overwhelmed, over-everything-ed self would have calmed down some.. but the end of ap test seems to be having the opposite effect. and I don't understand. I find myself way more emotional than I usually am and everything just seems to be going wrong and I'm constantly down on myself for one reason or another, not to mention the fact that I can't bring myself to do an ounce of work, only leading me to be disgusted by my habits even more.. I don't even think I'm eating properly, as my mom has mentioned and I haven't realized till now- I'm losing weight. it's not particularly visible, it only would be to someone who scrutinizes themself day in and day out and knows every bit of flab on her body better than any subject I can study for. if I could be graded on how much I've been criticizing myself lately, I would have a hell of a lot better grades than I do at the moment. I'm slipping and I can't help but feel like it's out of my control. even though it isn't, or at least it shouldn't be.
I find it interesting how often I can surprise myself.. usually in a bad way. I don't know how I got back to feeling like this, but aside from those 2 months during the play, I've been fine. maybe it's just left over anxiety built up from ap and other work and other obligations on top of that.
and another thing, I've changed my mind about running for vice president. not to say I don't want the position, because I do more than anything.. but I've come to the conclusion that I would suck at it. and to add to that, I'm not doing well in chem (the subject of which Doc is my teacher) and if not everyone else, he sure as hell has given up on me as far as responsibility is concerned. but I guess that's what I deserve. and I'm sure everyone has noticed how horrible I've been at running the blood drive. this is what I love more than anything, but apparently me + screwing up is just something that's inevitable with most things, so why should this be any different?
I find it interesting how often I can surprise myself.. usually in a bad way. I don't know how I got back to feeling like this, but aside from those 2 months during the play, I've been fine. maybe it's just left over anxiety built up from ap and other work and other obligations on top of that.
and another thing, I've changed my mind about running for vice president. not to say I don't want the position, because I do more than anything.. but I've come to the conclusion that I would suck at it. and to add to that, I'm not doing well in chem (the subject of which Doc is my teacher) and if not everyone else, he sure as hell has given up on me as far as responsibility is concerned. but I guess that's what I deserve. and I'm sure everyone has noticed how horrible I've been at running the blood drive. this is what I love more than anything, but apparently me + screwing up is just something that's inevitable with most things, so why should this be any different?