Where does life go?

[sinceredeath]

I hate how I feel right now. I know I'm overreacting. Why is it when we are together, things are perfect and when we are apart, there is tension? I hate how I feel like I take a step forward and ten steps backwards. Of all the fucking things I have tried to improve on, I fuck up on the one I think is the least important. I feel like an idiot. But what kills me the most is that if Devin wasn't a person from my past, it wouldn't matter. Yes I am aware I should have never gave him my number. We don't text. We actually do not have anything to say to each other aside from him blowing up on me. He is still a human and when I saw him, he treated me with respect. I will make it very clear, I do not want anything to do with him. He is in the past for a reason. Two friggen years have went by. It's not like it's a new scar that hurts me still. It is just a memory now.

I guess I have shit I need to work on. My insecurities. I always thought I was the type of person who could leave the past in the past. I guess I can't. I hate that I feel like I'm waiting to get screamed at and get all my flaws pointed out again. I don't know why I feel like this. I'm on edge and I'm sick to my stomach. And I keep telling myself that relationships are easy and that this is going to be an easy road. I don't know if it's the truth or if I'm trying to lie to myself to believe it.

And it's not because I feel unsure that this is what I want. This is what I want. I know I'm just down and stressed out and it's why I feel like this. Fuck. I'm so scatterbrained I can't even think to finish this post.