Feelings
I’ve kept my hair fairly short for some time now; I have even buzzed it a few times. I think that short hair is sexiest on a woman, the most rudimentary reason being that it exposes the neck and the ears, very lovely parts of a woman. For some reason it also symbolizes empowerment to me. I get the feeling that a woman with very short hair doesn’t care about trends as much as she does about comfort or possibly self-expression. She is not afraid to show her face to the world. But now that I am confronted with the possibility of losing my hair, I am filled with a sense of dread.
I have become increasingly paranoid about it, saving the hair that comes off in my hands in the shower and sticking each strand to the wall tiles. There are too many to count, but seeing them en masse is equal parts comforting and terrifying. Comforting because now I can convince myself that I am not making it up because now I have proof. No one else seems to think it is a problem; they say my hair looks the same as always. Terrifying because, well, now it’s real. Maybe I can cut out the chunk of tiles and pitch it to some pretentious modern art museum as a piece about women’s struggle.
I’m sure that I am scared because it is out of my control and I have no choice. When I shaved my head, I could always say,”I don’t care if you don’t like it, this is who I am and this is my choice.” I have struggled with the idea of femininity for most of my life; rallying against gender stereotypes, all the while feeling inadequate and unattractive. If I choose to end my relationship with Darrin (or he chooses to end it with me), not only will I have to start over, developing trust for someone new, I will have to find someone who will accept my lack of hair. Will I be doomed to life alone, or with a fetishist? The reason behind both would be the same; people wouldn’t be able to see through to the real me. Hopefully, the real me is worth loving.
(Yes, I went to doctor last week. He thinks it’s a side effect of an illness and subsequent allergic reaction to antibiotics I had over the holidays. But they’re running tests to see if it’s an iron deficiency or a thyroid condition. It’s most likely correctable and non-permanent, but it has still brought up all these feelings. I guess it’s true that you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone…or in the process of leaving…)