Ginzura advent day 6 prompt/fictanganza part 3
Beta by the very patient Pixelated Bloodbath
No pairings.
Yamazaki should be Shinsengumi Chief and Okita should never have contact with the public.
The air had gotten somewhat warmer; however, Katsura had no time to appreciate the warmth once the two shadows encircled him.
“MMMMM!” One growled, kicking out again.
“MMM MMMM MM!” The other responded or interjected or whatever the hell it was trying to do.
Katsura scrutinized the two to the best of his abilities in the darkness, and wondered if the two were trying to tell him something. He cocked his head in profound deliberation and voiced his thoughts. “Goo trying to tell me something?”
“MMMMMMMM!” The two replied in union.
Katsura pondered what it could be. “Are goo the Bubble King slime?”
“MMMM!” The aggressive one kicked out.
“Darkonium slime?”
“MM!!” The talkative one didn’t seem too impressed either, as it hopped around angrily.
“Platinum king jewel slime?”
“MMMMMMMMMMM!”
“Hmm…” He was adept at many things and an unequivocal master of disguise, but this…this may prove difficult to decipher. The two shapes crowded him again, and this time he could feel the rage radiating off them. Was it him or was it getting hot in here?
~~~
Friends are those who hide their jealousy of your best asset(s) under the guise of compliments (or insults)
“Do you know where we’re going, Gin-San?” Shinpachi inquired, trying to balance the blankets he carried in his arms as the elevator made its way down to the lobby.
“Aaa…Probably somewhere cold and isolated.” Gintoki yawned as he scratched himself somewhere unmentionable.
“OH!” The young man almost lost his hold on the blankets as all the pieces came together for him. “Gin-San, that’s it! Do you think the
Shinsengumi is already searching the industrial area?”
“No. I don’t how those idiots manage to make their way out of bed every morning, but we can’t count on them staying stupid forever.”
The elevator doors opened and Gintoki quickly exited, leaving Shinpachi scrambling to keep up under the heap of blankets. Once outside, a cab was hailed and the two swiftly got in it. “To the industrial area, by the pier.”
“You’re worried about Katsura-San, right?” Shinpachi asked once they were on their way. “It doesn’t make sense for him to be taken if all of the other victims were women.” He tried to pull the blankets out of his field of vision, wanting to see and hear Gintoki’s response. “Maybe it’s not the same kidnapper? Or maybe-“
“Ha! What the hell do I care if Zura gets mistaken for a woman again and gets picked up by some freak?” Gintoki closed his eyes, engrossed in nose picking. “I’m after much bigger things, Shinpachi; like the glory of capturing the criminal while the Shinsengumi are still trying to find their way out of the hospital. Think of how desperate they’ll be to keep the public from knowing how useless they were in capturing the criminal! Think of all the hush money!” Shinpachi’s field of vision was still obstructed, but he knew how the other looked right now; apathetic and calculating.
It bothered him a great deal that his boss would only think of money (again) at a time like this. “You’re not worried about your friends at all, then?”
The Silverhaired man snorted, “Don’t be such a worrywart; they’re going to be fine. It’s not like any of them are just ordinary people. None of them are going to need any help from anybody.”
“It still doesn’t feel right.” Shinpachi mumbled, unable to shake his apprehensiveness. He remembered how easily each one was kidnapped, despite their very impressive fighting skills.
They spent the remainder of the cab ride in silence, and only the driver saw indifference fade to determination across Gintoki’s features.
~~~
Kagura opened her eyes to find Okita’s face hovering over hers...and was that a magic marker in his hand? “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” She lashed out, sending the marker flying out of his hand and adding a new hole in the already broken window.
“Now now, calm down. This isn’t a cave, it’s a hospital.” Okita fearlessly smiled down at her, “Why not be civilized for once in your life?”
“I’LL SHOW YOU CIVILIZED!!” Kagura leapt out of bed and he jumped away. The two faced off, ready to battle and sizing up each other.
“Kagura-Chan, why don’t you just ignore this hooligan?” Otae called out as she rubbed her eyes, the noise waking her from her nap.
“Hooligan?” Okita quickly glanced back at her, unwilling to fully lower his guard to Kagura. “Listen here Lady, I-“
“But, that’s exactly what you are.” Otae smiled charmingly despite her other-than-peaceful intentions. “I don’t know what the Gorilla is thinking; giving little boys big swords and free reign. It must be to overcompensate for your collective lack of something important.”
“HEY!”
“Don’t worry, though.” Otae got to her feet elegantly, turned to him and cracked her knuckles. “We’ll make an example out of you for the others. Think of it as a sacrifice for the greater good! In the end it won’t matter if you’re missing a body part or two.”
Kagura smirked and cracked her own knuckles. “ You’re dead!”
It was then that Okita realized the predicament he was in, and that the ridiculous marks he drew all over Kagura’s face wouldn’t be worth his life. The thoughts didn’t last long as the two young women beat him unconscious soon after.
“That’ll show you, stupid jerk!” Kagura ground her foot into Okita’s abused face and prepared to do worse when the other approached her with a napkin. “Don’t worry about him, Kagura-Chan. Let’s clean up your face.”
“Anego.” Kagura began once her face was marker-free. ”Why are we in the hospital? and where is Gin-Chan and Shinpachi? Oh, and where is Zura?! He promised me a double MegaMac!”
“We’re in the hospital because a lecherous lowlife who kidnaps women attacked us.”
The Yato’s eyes widened in surprise. “The same one on the news?”
“The very same, Kagura-Chan. He has also somehow managed to kidnapped Kyuu-Chan and Sarutobi-San.”
“THAT BASTARD!”
“I think so too, and I think that it’s time for the heroines of the series to rescue our friends and teach that %^&#($ a lesson. What do you say, Kagura-Chan?”
“*^%@(* THAT @(#$&#!”
Otae beamed, reached for her purse and took out a tube of lipstick. “But, first things first.”
~~~
The Hunter awoke to lush green grass and a cool, refreshing breeze. He rubbed his eyes, unsure of his surroundings. He didn’t like warm weather; he was of a species that flourished in cooler weather, and he hated Earth and its varying seasons. His home planet was forever immersed in what would be considered a mild winter. The lower temperature suited their metabolism better and was the optimal environment for their snare.
Thankfully, he’d found this abandoned cold-storage facility which he utilized for his plan and as a temporary home in the hotter months of the year. His species simply could not survive in the summer heat; they became slow and sluggish and slept all the time. It made them extremely vulnerable to their enemies, but they had no real enemies here. No friends either. Just Julia.
Julia and her divine beauty. She’d been the reason he left home, wanting to replicate her beauty and share it with his fellow countrymen.
Lovely, lovely Julia. And her large white smile.
~~~
Gintoki didn’t really have a specific course of action in mind. All he knew was that there were several abandoned factories and storage depots in the area. If someone was going to kidnap a large number of women, and keep them at a temperature cold enough to induce hypothermia in this mild weather, then surely they would be here.
“Which one shall we try, Gin-San?” Shinpachi asked, tired of carrying the blankets more than anything.
The older man said nothing for a few minutes as he scrutinized his surroundings. “The sign says ‘Tanaka cold storage’ but there’s smoke coming out of the roof exhaust. You’re going to upset Tanaka-San, Zura.”
~~~
It may have been presumptuous of him to refer to them as slimes, when they could have been blobs or flans. Nevertheless, he had angered them and that was why the two were now chasing him down the darkened, abandoned halls. They also could have been of the mousse or sorbet variety. That train of thought reminded him of Gintoki, and he found himself irritated. Here he was, getting chased by two vicious whatever they were, and Gintoki was probably slacking off at home, not paying rent and being a general leech on society.
The long haired man sighed, and focused on his escape instead. It wouldn’t do to let Gintoki’s stupidity and utter failure as a friend, Samurai and overall human being distract him from his getaway.
The air was definitely warmer now, and had Katsura paid attention, he would have noticed that the head had detached itself from his hand long ago and landed in an indistinguishable mass on the floor however, he was busy being angry with Gintoki and escaping with his life. As soon as he got out of here, he was going to beat some sense into him. He would hammer morals and righteousness into that airhead incessantly just like that incessant clicking of his pursuers’ feet-
Clicking of steps?
Katsura focused on the sound and realized that it sounded like one of them was wearing Geta. Something is definitely wrong here.
He stopped and turned to face his pursuers, arms out in a calming motion. “My fellow liquid-based creatures, there’s no need to be angry! I am sorry I was rash in my judgement but I know now that you’re actually from Zeld-AHHHH!”
One of the shapes had had enough and launched itself at Katsura, tired of his foolishness. The other joined in and the two took their frustrations out on his prone form.
“You’re so stupid!”
“How can you be so stupid?”
Kyuubei and SaChan looked at each other, well as much as they could see of each other in the darkness, and realized that sometimes during the course of the chase, they had become free of that disgusting, cold slime that covered them.
“Can you please get off me?” Katsura wheezed beneath their feet. The two women reluctantly did so.
Once everyone had time to catch their breath, Katsura spoke again, folding his arms into his kimono sleeves. “Since we are all victims of kidnapping, were we all captured by the same means?”
“I have no idea how they got me. Whatever they used paralysed me completely.” SaChan said gravely. Kyuubei nodded in agreement. “And then I woke up and I could feel this icky gunk all over me, and I thought ‘what kind of play is this? How can I enjoy it if I’m completely
covered?’”
The two looked at her strangely. She elected not to continue that particular train of thought and they not to pursue it.
“Where are we, anyhow?” Kyuubei inquired, turning to Katsura.
“We seem to be in a cold storage facility, I believe, and I think you both can agree, that the cold seems a necessary part of the culprit’s plan. Thus, I found the control room and changed the temperature settings to warm, and that is probably why the slime melted off you so easily.”
“What do you think the person wanted to do to us?” SaChan asked anxiously.
“I’m not certain. However, I did see what seemed to be a discarded sculpture of a head made out of the same slimy substance. It’s very puzzling.”
“He was going to make sculptures out of our frozen bodies?”
“Well, this head was made entirely out of the sticky material.”
“Then, why did he want to keep us in a cold climate?” Kyuubei pondered.
“Well, I intended on searching the facility for clues or even other victims but then we had run into each other and now I’m-”
“I say we just leave.” SaChan interrupted, voice wavering a bit “I mean, who knows what this psycho wants to do, so we shouldn’t stick around to find out.”
“Feel free to leave if you wish, but I shall not before ensuring no one is left behind, and certainly not before capturing the culprit and bringing him to justice!”
“Listen here Yellow, why not be like your colour and not try to be the hero?”
“But, we should find the person responsible...” Kyuubei mumbled, frustrated with the situation and with herself. A warrior would not get caught like silly, untrained girls. Tae-Chan would certainly mock her. Tae-chan!
“Tae-Chan! Did anyone see her?”
“Otae-Dono and Leader were both attacked minutes before I was. They may have been captured as well, but I am not certain.”
“Otae-San you say?” SaChan laughed haughtily. “Not likely! I heard the kidnapper himself call her an ugly girl!”
“You lie!” Kyuubei growled, eyes flashing with fury.
“Why would I? It’s not like I’m jealous of her or anything like that. ” The Ninja arrogantly tossed her hair over her shoulder, “Besides, you can always ask her brother. He heard it too! The kidnapper clearly said ‘out of my way, ugly.’ Ah~ you should’ve seen the look on her face! About time someone takes her down a peg or two!”
“I don’t believe you!” Kyuubei hissed, taking a step towards the Ninja. “Tae-Chan is the best looking girl in this entire show. If someone dared to call her ugly then he must be as blind as you!”
“What did you say, shrimp?” SaChan snarled, getting into Kyuubei’s face. “Just so that you know, the only kind of people she’s able to attract are the Stalker Gorilla and you! Not even a criminal wants anything to do with her! Now, what does that say?”
“I’ve had enough of -“
“Ladies, please!” Katsura interrupted, getting between the two. “Whether Otae-Dono is attractive or not is not the issue here. If they were indeed captured, we need to make sure that she and Leader are safe.” The two women gave each other one last glare before taking a step back and reluctantly nodding in agreement.
“However, I want to point out that the kidnapper also said something rather disturbing to me; he called me ‘pretty lady’.”
Kyuubei turned her death glare on him. “Are you insinuating that you are better looking than Tae-Chan?”
SaChan adjusted her glasses and took a closer look at his face. “You’re certainly no woman. Long hair isn’t a feature exclusive to women.”
“I am not a woman, I’m Katsura.” He retorted with some irritation. “Do you think I am pleased to be here? To be mistaken for a woman?”
“That settles it, then.” Kyuubei stated. “Whoever the kidnapper is, he is definitely blind and he definitely isn’t the same one they’re talking about on the news,”
“But, that doesn’t change the criminal’s intent.” SaChan interjected, “I mean, he was probably looking for a certain type of victim. They did not release the name or pictures of any of the victims, but Director Matsudaira had me look into the police reports. I can tell you that all the victims had long hair, whether wavy or straight, and a long narrow face. In other words, all three of us have these features and Otae-San does not measure up.”
“You better stop badmouthing Tae-Chan!”
“It’s the truth, take it or leave it!”
Katsura was not able to stop the two from fighting this time. He watched helplessly as the two launched attack after attack at each other, coming in and out of his field of vision and unhindered by the dim lighting. He was disappointed in them, fighting over such petty issues when there was a perverted criminal on the loose. He had to put a stop to this. And just as he was about to do so, SaChan let out a blood-
curdling scream.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
She had landed in what was a huge pile of half melted, sticky mucous. What was more alarming was that the unmelted remainder was that of a human body, tens of them.
Kyuubei and Katsura were quickly at her side, examining the unmelted remainder of the statues with interest. “Ah, it is just like the head I found, but it’s a complete body.” He muttered, hand cupping his chin as he pondered. “Fascinating.”
“They are all women.” Kyuubei noted, really admiring the work. “From what I can see, it’s quite well done. He must’ve spent a lot of time on these.”
“JUST GET THEM OFF ME!” SaChan screamed. She was eventually pulled away from the collapsing pile, still partially covered with the sticky gunk. “You’ll have to wait until it melts off.” Katsura told her. Sachan pouted and resigned herself to this current state.
“This must be why all those women were kidnapped.” Kyuubei said, looking back at the collection and examining the surroundings. “This person was making replicas out of all the victims before releasing them.”
“Why would he do that?” SaChan asked, “I mean, couldn’t he just go out and buy a blow up doll?”
“True.” Katsura added. “I too question the objective behind this. If the individual can make one figure, then why not more? Why would he have had to kidnap so many victims?”
“Maybe this is the answer.” Kyuubei said, presenting to them a piece of paper she had pulled off the wall behind one of the statues. Katsura came closer to have a look.
The chart’s heading was simply ‘Julia’. It contained some pencil illustrations of a woman’s body with specific measurements. “Hmm. ‘Julia’ it says. I wonder who she is.” Kyuubei asked no one in particular.
“Julia Child?’ SaChan suggested from where she was sitting.
“Uh...no.”
“Raul Julia?” Katsura proposed.
“That’s a man!”
“Well, I can’t think of anyone else.” Katsura shrugged, feeling exhausted for no reason at all. “I thought he was quite charming in the A**am’s Family and his wife was quite pretty.” He stared off into the distance, remembering her fondly.
“Pretty, pretty…that’s it! Pretty woman is Julia Roberts!”
“Yes!” SaChan agreed. “If you think about it, that’s exactly how she looks like; narrow face and long straight or curly hair! That’s who he was trying to recreate!”
“She was voted the World’s most beautiful woman a few times.” Kyuubei added, a secret admirer.
“So, we all look like Julia Roberts?” Katsura buried his hands in his sleeves and cocked his head, unsure of how to feel about this.
SaChan, on the other hand, was quite sure of her feelings. “Wait a minute! Is this somebody’s idea of a sick joke? I understand Character rankings, but this is unforgivable! You are a man, you don’t belong here with us women! I refuse to accept that you might be as attractive as I am!” She tried to free herself from the pile, but it hadn’t fully thawed yet. She settled for glaring at her target. “Or that you look remotely like Julia Roberts!”
“I understand your concerns.” Katsura began seriously, straightening his back and calmly addressing her. “Truly I do, but this is something beyond my control; this face and this hair are both a blessing and a curse! I am unhappy to be lumped in with women when I am not one, but even I, humble as I am, cannot deny my own popularity.”
“Popularity? We’ve already determined that this freak is as blind as a bat; Calling Tae-Chan ugly and choosing you instead.” Kyuubei pointed out.
“Well, considering all this fine art work, I can hardly believe that the culprit is as blind as you claim.” Katsura retorted, “Alas, it is only my fair features that are to blame.”
“Fair?” Kyuubei challenged, “What an odd thing to hear a man say about himself.”
“Kyuubei-Dono, despite being deeply troubled by this occurrence, I am comfortable enough with my manhood to refer to myself as such. However, this brings us to that unsettled matter between us, further fuelled by this very situation we are in now; since the Mangaka and anime staff will not cease overlapping our characters actions and appearance-wise, we must address this now!”
“Ha!” Kyuubei chuckled. “Well, I’m not happy being lumped in with the women either. We’re more alike than I thought.”
“Please stop, Kyuubei-Dono. Don’t make this any more difficult.”
“Fine then; I am already an established, unique character. You already have too much screen time. Go put some tinfoil in your hair and scatter what’s left of your brain with a Bankai.”
“It is you who should wash her hair in soap and get herself thoroughly lost in a different country the next time you need to buy bells for your hair.”
“Damned Yachiru!”
“It’s not Yachiru, it’s Katsura. You forget, Kyuubei-Dono, that I am not only the Mangaka’s favorite, but that I have the Anime Director on my side as well.” Katsura boasted. “Also, I have personally known Gintoki, the Main Character, the longest out of anyone here and therefore, I am a more established character than you could ever be.”
“To my ever lasting grief.” Gintoki’s voice resounded as he appeared out of the darkness, followed by Shinpachi. He smacked Zura upside the head. “How the hell did you manage to get caught in a mess like this, aa? How many times did I tell you to chop that wig off, Zura?”
“Gintoki, did you come to rescue us as redemption for your previous failures?” Katsura rubbed his aching skull. “As you can see, there is no need.”
“Alright then, you ungrateful bastard.” Gintoki snarled, in the other’s face. “The Shinsengumi’s going to be here any minute, so feel free to go out there and get yourself arrested.”
“Gin-San!” SaChan called out happily from her pile of slime. “I need to be rescued, and I promise to be very grateful!”
Gintoki ignored her and grabbed a blanket out of Shinpachi’s arms and flung it over Katsura’s head. “Now, be quiet or I’m going to throw you into the harbor.”
SaChan pouted again, and Kyuubei couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. “Sorry, I can’t be more help.” Kyuubei said, “I only have this blowtorch on me that I was going to use to make ‘smores with Tae-Chan.”
SaChan wanted to punch her. Shinpachi wordlessly snatched the blowtorch out of her hands, eyebrow twitching with barely contained irritation.
“What are you doing?” Katsura asked Gintoki from under the blanket. “I don’t need this to hide from the idiotic Shinsengumi like a common criminal. Who do you take me for?”
“I take you for a moronic wanted terrorist who doesn’t know when to shut up.” Gintoki replied as he kicked Katsura down, ignored his protesting yell and then reached down to haul him, in the blanket, under one arm and headed towards the exit.
“GIN-SAN! WHAT ABOUT ME?!” SaChan cried, desperate not to be forgotten.
“Sorry. I have a one-idiot-at-a-time policy.”
“But, I’m all helpless…”
“Sorry, SaChanSan. I’ll try to help you.” Shinpachi hurried over and used the blowtorch to try and melt the gunk off.”
“…and I like it.” SaChan finished, pouting sadly.
Shinpachi had to fight hard not to use the blowtorch on her. And Kyuubei, well she was back to admiring the statues, and slowly an idea came to her.
~~~
“Everyone is in position!” Yamazaki reported with a salute.
The Shinsengumi Vice Commander took a long drag from his cigarette before dropping it to the ground and stubbing it under his boots. “This has to be the place. There’s nowhere else for this bastard to hide since we’ve searched all of the other buildings. Yamazaki, there better be no screw ups. I had to take five angry calls from Pops today since Kondo-San’s still unconscious.”
The other gulped loudly and nervously. “Y-yes.”
“Hmph. Send them in.”
Yamazaki relayed the order to the members on stand-by via his Walkie-talkie. And watched as they slowly began to make their way towards the building.
“HOLD IT!”
The Shinsengumi turned towards the source of the yell.
“IF ANYONE IS GOING TO BRING THIS BLIND #$^^&* TO JUSTICE, ITS GOING TO BE US!”
The Shinsengumi wished they hadn’t looked, for there stood Kagura and Otae, ready for battle and wearing lipstick in a manner that should be considered illegal. Hijikata snorted with barely suppressed laughter before he composed himself and addressed the two. “Listen here,
this is a matter for the police to handle. Step back and don’t interfere.”
“Oh, I’m sorry Hijikata-San. I didn’t realize that this was still an open investigation. I thought that after months of failure, you would be happy for someone more competent to lend a hand.”
“What do you mean by more competent? You just want to beat the crap out of this guy!” Hijikata snapped. “We need him alive so stay the hell away from him! And where is Sougo? I had him watch you two precisely because I knew you’d try to sabotage the investigation!”
“Him?” Otae brought a delicate hand to her mouth, feigning concern. “He couldn’t be here. He had a terrible accident, so he’s resting at the hospital.”
“A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad accident.” Kagura added. “It may also be contagious, uhuh.”
“That’s right! Maybe you should all leave before you catch it.” Otae smiled.
Hijikata wished he hadn’t put out that cigarette, and the rest of the Shinsengumi wished they hadn’t been born.
~~~
“Stay still, damnit!” Gintoki yelled at the moving bundle. “I’m seriously going to throw you into the harbor, Zura!”
“Put me down!” Zura shouted. “I’m not a damsel in distress, I’m Katsura!”
The Silverhaired man was fed up, and roughly dropped the bundle on the floor. “Fine! I don’t even know why I bothered helping you and your stupid wig! The Next time you get kidnapped like a little girl I’m going to sit back and order a pizza!”
Katsura untangled himself from the blankets and looked up at the other, equally irritated. “Don’t be silly, you can’t afford to order Pizza. Also, I was not kidnapped like a little girl. It was a case of confusion on the part of the criminal.”
“No, it wasn’t! You’ve been girly your whole life and you like it! Admit it, Zura. How many times did you dress in drag? I bet Saigo wasn’t even keeping you in the club by force!”
“Shut up! Do you think I don’t know how many times you dressed in drag, Paako? Not only that, you often dragged poor Shinpachi-Kun down with you. You are disgustingly despicable!”
Gintoki grit his teeth, angry that Katsura had a point, but he would die before admitting it. “AH…Whatever! At least there’s no way anyone would confuse me for anything but the world’s most manliest, strongest, most powerful man!”
The other man ran a hand thought his mussed hair and sighed. “My good looks are a curse that an ugly, deluded perm-head like you will never understand.”
“Good looks my ass! You’re just a freak of nature!”
“So says the person who’s hair looks like a mutated cauliflower. You couldn’t even attract a stray dog! You’re so ugly that even common decency has run away from you.”
“That’s a low blow, bastard! If it weren’t for my hair, I’d be an undeniable magnet for all living things and the show would have to be renamed to XXXtama and we’d be taken off the air! That means, you worthless bastard, is that the only reason your godforsaken mug gets any airtime is due to my sacrifice, so start showing some gratitude!”
“That’s not true and you know it! You always said you wanted to have straight hair.” Zura smiles knowingly. “Are you sure it’s just your hair that’s crooked?
“………………………………ZURAAAAAAAAAAAA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING, YOU LYING PIECE OF *&%! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO YOUR CHILDHOOD FRIEND?! YOU KNOW I CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING OTHERWISE OR WE’LL GO OFF THE AIR!” Embarrassed and enraged beyond reason, Gintoki’s hands found purchase around Katsura’s neck. “TAKE IT BACK!!! If you don’t take it back, I won’t be able to show my face next week!!”
“Every….thing…s…croo…ked…like…your-“
“ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” A well placed kick sends Katsura flying and puts an end to his insinuations.
However, it was then that Kagura crashed through the doors and hurried to Gintoki’s side. “Gin-Chan! Are you ok? Why are you screaming like Shinji Ikari?”
“Kagura! What the hell did you do to your face? Were you kidnapped by angry, vengeful clowns?”
“Shut up! I’m more womanly this way, uhuh.” She struck a sexy pose and Gintoki nearly vomited. “You just have no taste, just like you have no XXXX!”
Otae joined her and leveled the man with the kind of look one would give a flesh-eating microorganism. “It must be true, Kagura-Chan. You know when someone is just too desperate to prove something, it is often because they are trying to hide the truth.”
Kyuubei chuckled, appearing out of the darkness of the hallway. “What a pathetic excuse for a man.”
Gintoki gaped at the women before turning to take his fury out on the now unconscious Katsura, once again. “See what you did, you worthless, lying backstabber!! Take it Back!”
SaChan and Shinpachi were the last to arrive on the scene, and it was up to Shinpachi, the straightman and only voice of logic and reason in the entire series to save Gintoki’s reputation.
“Shinpachi, you are the only one I can count on right now! Tell them the truth. Tell them that Gin-San’s not crooked! I’m begging you! I’ll give you 300 yen!” Gintoki was desperate, he was the main character! They were all looking at him with pity and disdain. It was unacceptable!
However, Gintoki’s last resort backfired in the worse possible way when the young man nearly had an aneurysm and spluttered. “H-HOW WOULD I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?! WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?”
“Yes, what are you implying, you %&*&%^!” Otae cracked her knuckles. “WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO MY BROTHER?!”
*BAM*
“GIN-SAN! YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED ME! I WOULD BE HAPPY TO TESTIFY ABOUT YOUR XXXX!”
*CRACK*
Katsura woke to the sounds of violence, quietly muttering. “Looks like your entire body is crooked, Gintoki.”
*CRUNCH*
“That’s right, you pimp! Where’s my cake?”
The real culprit behind all this was forgotten as everyone found a new target for their rage. And somewhere within the dark confines of the building, the Hunter slept on.
The end?
Author’s notes
1) Drakonium, Bubble King and Platinum Jewel King slimes are all Zelda monsters.
2) Anybody read ‘Alexander’s terrible horrible no good very bad day’ as a kid?
3) Shinji Ikari is the often screaming protagonist in Neon Genesis Evangelion.
4) The tinfoil man (Byakuya Kuchiki), the directionally challenged Yachiru (Kusashiji) and bell man (Kenpachi Zaraki) are Bleach Characters. No offense to Bleach fans intended by this production.
Thanks for reading!
Posted to ginzura and gintama
No pairings.
Yamazaki should be Shinsengumi Chief and Okita should never have contact with the public.
The air had gotten somewhat warmer; however, Katsura had no time to appreciate the warmth once the two shadows encircled him.
“MMMMM!” One growled, kicking out again.
“MMM MMMM MM!” The other responded or interjected or whatever the hell it was trying to do.
Katsura scrutinized the two to the best of his abilities in the darkness, and wondered if the two were trying to tell him something. He cocked his head in profound deliberation and voiced his thoughts. “Goo trying to tell me something?”
“MMMMMMMM!” The two replied in union.
Katsura pondered what it could be. “Are goo the Bubble King slime?”
“MMMM!” The aggressive one kicked out.
“Darkonium slime?”
“MM!!” The talkative one didn’t seem too impressed either, as it hopped around angrily.
“Platinum king jewel slime?”
“MMMMMMMMMMM!”
“Hmm…” He was adept at many things and an unequivocal master of disguise, but this…this may prove difficult to decipher. The two shapes crowded him again, and this time he could feel the rage radiating off them. Was it him or was it getting hot in here?
~~~
Friends are those who hide their jealousy of your best asset(s) under the guise of compliments (or insults)
“Do you know where we’re going, Gin-San?” Shinpachi inquired, trying to balance the blankets he carried in his arms as the elevator made its way down to the lobby.
“Aaa…Probably somewhere cold and isolated.” Gintoki yawned as he scratched himself somewhere unmentionable.
“OH!” The young man almost lost his hold on the blankets as all the pieces came together for him. “Gin-San, that’s it! Do you think the
Shinsengumi is already searching the industrial area?”
“No. I don’t how those idiots manage to make their way out of bed every morning, but we can’t count on them staying stupid forever.”
The elevator doors opened and Gintoki quickly exited, leaving Shinpachi scrambling to keep up under the heap of blankets. Once outside, a cab was hailed and the two swiftly got in it. “To the industrial area, by the pier.”
“You’re worried about Katsura-San, right?” Shinpachi asked once they were on their way. “It doesn’t make sense for him to be taken if all of the other victims were women.” He tried to pull the blankets out of his field of vision, wanting to see and hear Gintoki’s response. “Maybe it’s not the same kidnapper? Or maybe-“
“Ha! What the hell do I care if Zura gets mistaken for a woman again and gets picked up by some freak?” Gintoki closed his eyes, engrossed in nose picking. “I’m after much bigger things, Shinpachi; like the glory of capturing the criminal while the Shinsengumi are still trying to find their way out of the hospital. Think of how desperate they’ll be to keep the public from knowing how useless they were in capturing the criminal! Think of all the hush money!” Shinpachi’s field of vision was still obstructed, but he knew how the other looked right now; apathetic and calculating.
It bothered him a great deal that his boss would only think of money (again) at a time like this. “You’re not worried about your friends at all, then?”
The Silverhaired man snorted, “Don’t be such a worrywart; they’re going to be fine. It’s not like any of them are just ordinary people. None of them are going to need any help from anybody.”
“It still doesn’t feel right.” Shinpachi mumbled, unable to shake his apprehensiveness. He remembered how easily each one was kidnapped, despite their very impressive fighting skills.
They spent the remainder of the cab ride in silence, and only the driver saw indifference fade to determination across Gintoki’s features.
~~~
Kagura opened her eyes to find Okita’s face hovering over hers...and was that a magic marker in his hand? “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” She lashed out, sending the marker flying out of his hand and adding a new hole in the already broken window.
“Now now, calm down. This isn’t a cave, it’s a hospital.” Okita fearlessly smiled down at her, “Why not be civilized for once in your life?”
“I’LL SHOW YOU CIVILIZED!!” Kagura leapt out of bed and he jumped away. The two faced off, ready to battle and sizing up each other.
“Kagura-Chan, why don’t you just ignore this hooligan?” Otae called out as she rubbed her eyes, the noise waking her from her nap.
“Hooligan?” Okita quickly glanced back at her, unwilling to fully lower his guard to Kagura. “Listen here Lady, I-“
“But, that’s exactly what you are.” Otae smiled charmingly despite her other-than-peaceful intentions. “I don’t know what the Gorilla is thinking; giving little boys big swords and free reign. It must be to overcompensate for your collective lack of something important.”
“HEY!”
“Don’t worry, though.” Otae got to her feet elegantly, turned to him and cracked her knuckles. “We’ll make an example out of you for the others. Think of it as a sacrifice for the greater good! In the end it won’t matter if you’re missing a body part or two.”
Kagura smirked and cracked her own knuckles. “ You’re dead!”
It was then that Okita realized the predicament he was in, and that the ridiculous marks he drew all over Kagura’s face wouldn’t be worth his life. The thoughts didn’t last long as the two young women beat him unconscious soon after.
“That’ll show you, stupid jerk!” Kagura ground her foot into Okita’s abused face and prepared to do worse when the other approached her with a napkin. “Don’t worry about him, Kagura-Chan. Let’s clean up your face.”
“Anego.” Kagura began once her face was marker-free. ”Why are we in the hospital? and where is Gin-Chan and Shinpachi? Oh, and where is Zura?! He promised me a double MegaMac!”
“We’re in the hospital because a lecherous lowlife who kidnaps women attacked us.”
The Yato’s eyes widened in surprise. “The same one on the news?”
“The very same, Kagura-Chan. He has also somehow managed to kidnapped Kyuu-Chan and Sarutobi-San.”
“THAT BASTARD!”
“I think so too, and I think that it’s time for the heroines of the series to rescue our friends and teach that %^&#($ a lesson. What do you say, Kagura-Chan?”
“*^%@(* THAT @(#$&#!”
Otae beamed, reached for her purse and took out a tube of lipstick. “But, first things first.”
~~~
The Hunter awoke to lush green grass and a cool, refreshing breeze. He rubbed his eyes, unsure of his surroundings. He didn’t like warm weather; he was of a species that flourished in cooler weather, and he hated Earth and its varying seasons. His home planet was forever immersed in what would be considered a mild winter. The lower temperature suited their metabolism better and was the optimal environment for their snare.
Thankfully, he’d found this abandoned cold-storage facility which he utilized for his plan and as a temporary home in the hotter months of the year. His species simply could not survive in the summer heat; they became slow and sluggish and slept all the time. It made them extremely vulnerable to their enemies, but they had no real enemies here. No friends either. Just Julia.
Julia and her divine beauty. She’d been the reason he left home, wanting to replicate her beauty and share it with his fellow countrymen.
Lovely, lovely Julia. And her large white smile.
~~~
Gintoki didn’t really have a specific course of action in mind. All he knew was that there were several abandoned factories and storage depots in the area. If someone was going to kidnap a large number of women, and keep them at a temperature cold enough to induce hypothermia in this mild weather, then surely they would be here.
“Which one shall we try, Gin-San?” Shinpachi asked, tired of carrying the blankets more than anything.
The older man said nothing for a few minutes as he scrutinized his surroundings. “The sign says ‘Tanaka cold storage’ but there’s smoke coming out of the roof exhaust. You’re going to upset Tanaka-San, Zura.”
~~~
It may have been presumptuous of him to refer to them as slimes, when they could have been blobs or flans. Nevertheless, he had angered them and that was why the two were now chasing him down the darkened, abandoned halls. They also could have been of the mousse or sorbet variety. That train of thought reminded him of Gintoki, and he found himself irritated. Here he was, getting chased by two vicious whatever they were, and Gintoki was probably slacking off at home, not paying rent and being a general leech on society.
The long haired man sighed, and focused on his escape instead. It wouldn’t do to let Gintoki’s stupidity and utter failure as a friend, Samurai and overall human being distract him from his getaway.
The air was definitely warmer now, and had Katsura paid attention, he would have noticed that the head had detached itself from his hand long ago and landed in an indistinguishable mass on the floor however, he was busy being angry with Gintoki and escaping with his life. As soon as he got out of here, he was going to beat some sense into him. He would hammer morals and righteousness into that airhead incessantly just like that incessant clicking of his pursuers’ feet-
Clicking of steps?
Katsura focused on the sound and realized that it sounded like one of them was wearing Geta. Something is definitely wrong here.
He stopped and turned to face his pursuers, arms out in a calming motion. “My fellow liquid-based creatures, there’s no need to be angry! I am sorry I was rash in my judgement but I know now that you’re actually from Zeld-AHHHH!”
One of the shapes had had enough and launched itself at Katsura, tired of his foolishness. The other joined in and the two took their frustrations out on his prone form.
“You’re so stupid!”
“How can you be so stupid?”
Kyuubei and SaChan looked at each other, well as much as they could see of each other in the darkness, and realized that sometimes during the course of the chase, they had become free of that disgusting, cold slime that covered them.
“Can you please get off me?” Katsura wheezed beneath their feet. The two women reluctantly did so.
Once everyone had time to catch their breath, Katsura spoke again, folding his arms into his kimono sleeves. “Since we are all victims of kidnapping, were we all captured by the same means?”
“I have no idea how they got me. Whatever they used paralysed me completely.” SaChan said gravely. Kyuubei nodded in agreement. “And then I woke up and I could feel this icky gunk all over me, and I thought ‘what kind of play is this? How can I enjoy it if I’m completely
covered?’”
The two looked at her strangely. She elected not to continue that particular train of thought and they not to pursue it.
“Where are we, anyhow?” Kyuubei inquired, turning to Katsura.
“We seem to be in a cold storage facility, I believe, and I think you both can agree, that the cold seems a necessary part of the culprit’s plan. Thus, I found the control room and changed the temperature settings to warm, and that is probably why the slime melted off you so easily.”
“What do you think the person wanted to do to us?” SaChan asked anxiously.
“I’m not certain. However, I did see what seemed to be a discarded sculpture of a head made out of the same slimy substance. It’s very puzzling.”
“He was going to make sculptures out of our frozen bodies?”
“Well, this head was made entirely out of the sticky material.”
“Then, why did he want to keep us in a cold climate?” Kyuubei pondered.
“Well, I intended on searching the facility for clues or even other victims but then we had run into each other and now I’m-”
“I say we just leave.” SaChan interrupted, voice wavering a bit “I mean, who knows what this psycho wants to do, so we shouldn’t stick around to find out.”
“Feel free to leave if you wish, but I shall not before ensuring no one is left behind, and certainly not before capturing the culprit and bringing him to justice!”
“Listen here Yellow, why not be like your colour and not try to be the hero?”
“But, we should find the person responsible...” Kyuubei mumbled, frustrated with the situation and with herself. A warrior would not get caught like silly, untrained girls. Tae-Chan would certainly mock her. Tae-chan!
“Tae-Chan! Did anyone see her?”
“Otae-Dono and Leader were both attacked minutes before I was. They may have been captured as well, but I am not certain.”
“Otae-San you say?” SaChan laughed haughtily. “Not likely! I heard the kidnapper himself call her an ugly girl!”
“You lie!” Kyuubei growled, eyes flashing with fury.
“Why would I? It’s not like I’m jealous of her or anything like that. ” The Ninja arrogantly tossed her hair over her shoulder, “Besides, you can always ask her brother. He heard it too! The kidnapper clearly said ‘out of my way, ugly.’ Ah~ you should’ve seen the look on her face! About time someone takes her down a peg or two!”
“I don’t believe you!” Kyuubei hissed, taking a step towards the Ninja. “Tae-Chan is the best looking girl in this entire show. If someone dared to call her ugly then he must be as blind as you!”
“What did you say, shrimp?” SaChan snarled, getting into Kyuubei’s face. “Just so that you know, the only kind of people she’s able to attract are the Stalker Gorilla and you! Not even a criminal wants anything to do with her! Now, what does that say?”
“I’ve had enough of -“
“Ladies, please!” Katsura interrupted, getting between the two. “Whether Otae-Dono is attractive or not is not the issue here. If they were indeed captured, we need to make sure that she and Leader are safe.” The two women gave each other one last glare before taking a step back and reluctantly nodding in agreement.
“However, I want to point out that the kidnapper also said something rather disturbing to me; he called me ‘pretty lady’.”
Kyuubei turned her death glare on him. “Are you insinuating that you are better looking than Tae-Chan?”
SaChan adjusted her glasses and took a closer look at his face. “You’re certainly no woman. Long hair isn’t a feature exclusive to women.”
“I am not a woman, I’m Katsura.” He retorted with some irritation. “Do you think I am pleased to be here? To be mistaken for a woman?”
“That settles it, then.” Kyuubei stated. “Whoever the kidnapper is, he is definitely blind and he definitely isn’t the same one they’re talking about on the news,”
“But, that doesn’t change the criminal’s intent.” SaChan interjected, “I mean, he was probably looking for a certain type of victim. They did not release the name or pictures of any of the victims, but Director Matsudaira had me look into the police reports. I can tell you that all the victims had long hair, whether wavy or straight, and a long narrow face. In other words, all three of us have these features and Otae-San does not measure up.”
“You better stop badmouthing Tae-Chan!”
“It’s the truth, take it or leave it!”
Katsura was not able to stop the two from fighting this time. He watched helplessly as the two launched attack after attack at each other, coming in and out of his field of vision and unhindered by the dim lighting. He was disappointed in them, fighting over such petty issues when there was a perverted criminal on the loose. He had to put a stop to this. And just as he was about to do so, SaChan let out a blood-
curdling scream.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
She had landed in what was a huge pile of half melted, sticky mucous. What was more alarming was that the unmelted remainder was that of a human body, tens of them.
Kyuubei and Katsura were quickly at her side, examining the unmelted remainder of the statues with interest. “Ah, it is just like the head I found, but it’s a complete body.” He muttered, hand cupping his chin as he pondered. “Fascinating.”
“They are all women.” Kyuubei noted, really admiring the work. “From what I can see, it’s quite well done. He must’ve spent a lot of time on these.”
“JUST GET THEM OFF ME!” SaChan screamed. She was eventually pulled away from the collapsing pile, still partially covered with the sticky gunk. “You’ll have to wait until it melts off.” Katsura told her. Sachan pouted and resigned herself to this current state.
“This must be why all those women were kidnapped.” Kyuubei said, looking back at the collection and examining the surroundings. “This person was making replicas out of all the victims before releasing them.”
“Why would he do that?” SaChan asked, “I mean, couldn’t he just go out and buy a blow up doll?”
“True.” Katsura added. “I too question the objective behind this. If the individual can make one figure, then why not more? Why would he have had to kidnap so many victims?”
“Maybe this is the answer.” Kyuubei said, presenting to them a piece of paper she had pulled off the wall behind one of the statues. Katsura came closer to have a look.
The chart’s heading was simply ‘Julia’. It contained some pencil illustrations of a woman’s body with specific measurements. “Hmm. ‘Julia’ it says. I wonder who she is.” Kyuubei asked no one in particular.
“Julia Child?’ SaChan suggested from where she was sitting.
“Uh...no.”
“Raul Julia?” Katsura proposed.
“That’s a man!”
“Well, I can’t think of anyone else.” Katsura shrugged, feeling exhausted for no reason at all. “I thought he was quite charming in the A**am’s Family and his wife was quite pretty.” He stared off into the distance, remembering her fondly.
“Pretty, pretty…that’s it! Pretty woman is Julia Roberts!”
“Yes!” SaChan agreed. “If you think about it, that’s exactly how she looks like; narrow face and long straight or curly hair! That’s who he was trying to recreate!”
“She was voted the World’s most beautiful woman a few times.” Kyuubei added, a secret admirer.
“So, we all look like Julia Roberts?” Katsura buried his hands in his sleeves and cocked his head, unsure of how to feel about this.
SaChan, on the other hand, was quite sure of her feelings. “Wait a minute! Is this somebody’s idea of a sick joke? I understand Character rankings, but this is unforgivable! You are a man, you don’t belong here with us women! I refuse to accept that you might be as attractive as I am!” She tried to free herself from the pile, but it hadn’t fully thawed yet. She settled for glaring at her target. “Or that you look remotely like Julia Roberts!”
“I understand your concerns.” Katsura began seriously, straightening his back and calmly addressing her. “Truly I do, but this is something beyond my control; this face and this hair are both a blessing and a curse! I am unhappy to be lumped in with women when I am not one, but even I, humble as I am, cannot deny my own popularity.”
“Popularity? We’ve already determined that this freak is as blind as a bat; Calling Tae-Chan ugly and choosing you instead.” Kyuubei pointed out.
“Well, considering all this fine art work, I can hardly believe that the culprit is as blind as you claim.” Katsura retorted, “Alas, it is only my fair features that are to blame.”
“Fair?” Kyuubei challenged, “What an odd thing to hear a man say about himself.”
“Kyuubei-Dono, despite being deeply troubled by this occurrence, I am comfortable enough with my manhood to refer to myself as such. However, this brings us to that unsettled matter between us, further fuelled by this very situation we are in now; since the Mangaka and anime staff will not cease overlapping our characters actions and appearance-wise, we must address this now!”
“Ha!” Kyuubei chuckled. “Well, I’m not happy being lumped in with the women either. We’re more alike than I thought.”
“Please stop, Kyuubei-Dono. Don’t make this any more difficult.”
“Fine then; I am already an established, unique character. You already have too much screen time. Go put some tinfoil in your hair and scatter what’s left of your brain with a Bankai.”
“It is you who should wash her hair in soap and get herself thoroughly lost in a different country the next time you need to buy bells for your hair.”
“Damned Yachiru!”
“It’s not Yachiru, it’s Katsura. You forget, Kyuubei-Dono, that I am not only the Mangaka’s favorite, but that I have the Anime Director on my side as well.” Katsura boasted. “Also, I have personally known Gintoki, the Main Character, the longest out of anyone here and therefore, I am a more established character than you could ever be.”
“To my ever lasting grief.” Gintoki’s voice resounded as he appeared out of the darkness, followed by Shinpachi. He smacked Zura upside the head. “How the hell did you manage to get caught in a mess like this, aa? How many times did I tell you to chop that wig off, Zura?”
“Gintoki, did you come to rescue us as redemption for your previous failures?” Katsura rubbed his aching skull. “As you can see, there is no need.”
“Alright then, you ungrateful bastard.” Gintoki snarled, in the other’s face. “The Shinsengumi’s going to be here any minute, so feel free to go out there and get yourself arrested.”
“Gin-San!” SaChan called out happily from her pile of slime. “I need to be rescued, and I promise to be very grateful!”
Gintoki ignored her and grabbed a blanket out of Shinpachi’s arms and flung it over Katsura’s head. “Now, be quiet or I’m going to throw you into the harbor.”
SaChan pouted again, and Kyuubei couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. “Sorry, I can’t be more help.” Kyuubei said, “I only have this blowtorch on me that I was going to use to make ‘smores with Tae-Chan.”
SaChan wanted to punch her. Shinpachi wordlessly snatched the blowtorch out of her hands, eyebrow twitching with barely contained irritation.
“What are you doing?” Katsura asked Gintoki from under the blanket. “I don’t need this to hide from the idiotic Shinsengumi like a common criminal. Who do you take me for?”
“I take you for a moronic wanted terrorist who doesn’t know when to shut up.” Gintoki replied as he kicked Katsura down, ignored his protesting yell and then reached down to haul him, in the blanket, under one arm and headed towards the exit.
“GIN-SAN! WHAT ABOUT ME?!” SaChan cried, desperate not to be forgotten.
“Sorry. I have a one-idiot-at-a-time policy.”
“But, I’m all helpless…”
“Sorry, SaChanSan. I’ll try to help you.” Shinpachi hurried over and used the blowtorch to try and melt the gunk off.”
“…and I like it.” SaChan finished, pouting sadly.
Shinpachi had to fight hard not to use the blowtorch on her. And Kyuubei, well she was back to admiring the statues, and slowly an idea came to her.
~~~
“Everyone is in position!” Yamazaki reported with a salute.
The Shinsengumi Vice Commander took a long drag from his cigarette before dropping it to the ground and stubbing it under his boots. “This has to be the place. There’s nowhere else for this bastard to hide since we’ve searched all of the other buildings. Yamazaki, there better be no screw ups. I had to take five angry calls from Pops today since Kondo-San’s still unconscious.”
The other gulped loudly and nervously. “Y-yes.”
“Hmph. Send them in.”
Yamazaki relayed the order to the members on stand-by via his Walkie-talkie. And watched as they slowly began to make their way towards the building.
“HOLD IT!”
The Shinsengumi turned towards the source of the yell.
“IF ANYONE IS GOING TO BRING THIS BLIND #$^^&* TO JUSTICE, ITS GOING TO BE US!”
The Shinsengumi wished they hadn’t looked, for there stood Kagura and Otae, ready for battle and wearing lipstick in a manner that should be considered illegal. Hijikata snorted with barely suppressed laughter before he composed himself and addressed the two. “Listen here,
this is a matter for the police to handle. Step back and don’t interfere.”
“Oh, I’m sorry Hijikata-San. I didn’t realize that this was still an open investigation. I thought that after months of failure, you would be happy for someone more competent to lend a hand.”
“What do you mean by more competent? You just want to beat the crap out of this guy!” Hijikata snapped. “We need him alive so stay the hell away from him! And where is Sougo? I had him watch you two precisely because I knew you’d try to sabotage the investigation!”
“Him?” Otae brought a delicate hand to her mouth, feigning concern. “He couldn’t be here. He had a terrible accident, so he’s resting at the hospital.”
“A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad accident.” Kagura added. “It may also be contagious, uhuh.”
“That’s right! Maybe you should all leave before you catch it.” Otae smiled.
Hijikata wished he hadn’t put out that cigarette, and the rest of the Shinsengumi wished they hadn’t been born.
~~~
“Stay still, damnit!” Gintoki yelled at the moving bundle. “I’m seriously going to throw you into the harbor, Zura!”
“Put me down!” Zura shouted. “I’m not a damsel in distress, I’m Katsura!”
The Silverhaired man was fed up, and roughly dropped the bundle on the floor. “Fine! I don’t even know why I bothered helping you and your stupid wig! The Next time you get kidnapped like a little girl I’m going to sit back and order a pizza!”
Katsura untangled himself from the blankets and looked up at the other, equally irritated. “Don’t be silly, you can’t afford to order Pizza. Also, I was not kidnapped like a little girl. It was a case of confusion on the part of the criminal.”
“No, it wasn’t! You’ve been girly your whole life and you like it! Admit it, Zura. How many times did you dress in drag? I bet Saigo wasn’t even keeping you in the club by force!”
“Shut up! Do you think I don’t know how many times you dressed in drag, Paako? Not only that, you often dragged poor Shinpachi-Kun down with you. You are disgustingly despicable!”
Gintoki grit his teeth, angry that Katsura had a point, but he would die before admitting it. “AH…Whatever! At least there’s no way anyone would confuse me for anything but the world’s most manliest, strongest, most powerful man!”
The other man ran a hand thought his mussed hair and sighed. “My good looks are a curse that an ugly, deluded perm-head like you will never understand.”
“Good looks my ass! You’re just a freak of nature!”
“So says the person who’s hair looks like a mutated cauliflower. You couldn’t even attract a stray dog! You’re so ugly that even common decency has run away from you.”
“That’s a low blow, bastard! If it weren’t for my hair, I’d be an undeniable magnet for all living things and the show would have to be renamed to XXXtama and we’d be taken off the air! That means, you worthless bastard, is that the only reason your godforsaken mug gets any airtime is due to my sacrifice, so start showing some gratitude!”
“That’s not true and you know it! You always said you wanted to have straight hair.” Zura smiles knowingly. “Are you sure it’s just your hair that’s crooked?
“………………………………ZURAAAAAAAAAAAA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING, YOU LYING PIECE OF *&%! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO YOUR CHILDHOOD FRIEND?! YOU KNOW I CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING OTHERWISE OR WE’LL GO OFF THE AIR!” Embarrassed and enraged beyond reason, Gintoki’s hands found purchase around Katsura’s neck. “TAKE IT BACK!!! If you don’t take it back, I won’t be able to show my face next week!!”
“Every….thing…s…croo…ked…like…your-“
“ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” A well placed kick sends Katsura flying and puts an end to his insinuations.
However, it was then that Kagura crashed through the doors and hurried to Gintoki’s side. “Gin-Chan! Are you ok? Why are you screaming like Shinji Ikari?”
“Kagura! What the hell did you do to your face? Were you kidnapped by angry, vengeful clowns?”
“Shut up! I’m more womanly this way, uhuh.” She struck a sexy pose and Gintoki nearly vomited. “You just have no taste, just like you have no XXXX!”
Otae joined her and leveled the man with the kind of look one would give a flesh-eating microorganism. “It must be true, Kagura-Chan. You know when someone is just too desperate to prove something, it is often because they are trying to hide the truth.”
Kyuubei chuckled, appearing out of the darkness of the hallway. “What a pathetic excuse for a man.”
Gintoki gaped at the women before turning to take his fury out on the now unconscious Katsura, once again. “See what you did, you worthless, lying backstabber!! Take it Back!”
SaChan and Shinpachi were the last to arrive on the scene, and it was up to Shinpachi, the straightman and only voice of logic and reason in the entire series to save Gintoki’s reputation.
“Shinpachi, you are the only one I can count on right now! Tell them the truth. Tell them that Gin-San’s not crooked! I’m begging you! I’ll give you 300 yen!” Gintoki was desperate, he was the main character! They were all looking at him with pity and disdain. It was unacceptable!
However, Gintoki’s last resort backfired in the worse possible way when the young man nearly had an aneurysm and spluttered. “H-HOW WOULD I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?! WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?”
“Yes, what are you implying, you %&*&%^!” Otae cracked her knuckles. “WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO MY BROTHER?!”
*BAM*
“GIN-SAN! YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED ME! I WOULD BE HAPPY TO TESTIFY ABOUT YOUR XXXX!”
*CRACK*
Katsura woke to the sounds of violence, quietly muttering. “Looks like your entire body is crooked, Gintoki.”
*CRUNCH*
“That’s right, you pimp! Where’s my cake?”
The real culprit behind all this was forgotten as everyone found a new target for their rage. And somewhere within the dark confines of the building, the Hunter slept on.
The end?
Author’s notes
1) Drakonium, Bubble King and Platinum Jewel King slimes are all Zelda monsters.
2) Anybody read ‘Alexander’s terrible horrible no good very bad day’ as a kid?
3) Shinji Ikari is the often screaming protagonist in Neon Genesis Evangelion.
4) The tinfoil man (Byakuya Kuchiki), the directionally challenged Yachiru (Kusashiji) and bell man (Kenpachi Zaraki) are Bleach Characters. No offense to Bleach fans intended by this production.
Thanks for reading!
Posted to ginzura and gintama